The enthusiastic endorsement for the future Amtrak express from Nashville to Atlanta with an intermediate stop in Choo Choo City with anticipated luxurious waiting facilities at the site formerly known as Chickamauga Station near our international airport continues to be newsworthy.
(It is unfortunate that one of our prominent local politicians has candidly stated that “it won’t be in service during their lifetime!”)
Nevertheless, the words of advice promulgated by Lewis Grizzard (LG) are eternal and those expressed in his first full length national bestseller, “Kathy Sue Loudermilk, I Love You” (1979- Peachtree Publishers) should be considered when the train finally arrives at the station.
After conducting diligent research while riding trains in the “Big Apple” (NYC) LG published certain “rules of the rail” that may apply to persons waiting at the terminal to board the futuristic train to avoid the I-24 to I-75 traffic snarl still under construction.
(With a life expectancy survival rate for a white male born in 1967 being 19.7 years, there is an outside chance that one or both of the train or freeway expansion will be completed.)
LG suggests the following rules that Gig City boarders should remember in the future:
1. “If somebody decides to choke his lover on a commuter train, don't interfere unless you want your head bashed in;
2. No matter how crowded a car looks, it will always hold one more;
3. Let sleeping drunks lie. Unless one happens to be driving your train. In that case, launch an immediate search of the cars for a priest;
4. In case of an emergency, like having to walk out of a tunnel, avoid the third rail. Ignore this rule and that sizzling sound is you, Bacon Face;
5. Discourage pickpockets and thieves. Swallow your wallet before entering the train;
6. If several young men in black leather jackets appear and ask for your wallet, do not tell them you swallowed it. Notice the fellow passenger who did is now minus one wallet and bleeding to death;
7. Never shove a friend off a platform in front of a speeding commuter train as a practical joke. Unless he gave you a hot foot when you were packed in like sardines during rush hour the day before. Then it's OK. You owe him one;
8. If you are now frightened about riding Atlanta's new commuter trains after reading all of the above, don't be. Remember, none of that could ever happen in our city.”
9. Be sure to get out of the way of any disembarking immigrants from NYC, LA, Chicago, or San Francisco who bring their creative ways to upgrade the image of the Scenic City.
(#9 was submitted by a disgruntled resident at the plush gated community on the pristine Tennessee River who was aggrieved that it took her two hours to travel east on Market Street past the Walnut Street Bridge to make it to River Street to the pickle ball courts.)
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You can reach Jerry Summers at jsummers@summersfirm.com
Jerry Summers