Jerry Summers
Since the publication of the availability of numerous potential Position One seekers in Choo Choo City and Hamilton County upcoming elections in 2025 this writer has been deluged with offers of unlimited financial campaign support from the political machine known as the “Little Chicago Gang” to enter the future fray.
The present potential opponents in Choo Choo City are “the incumbent foreign car importer”, “the traffic headlight violator”, and “UTC Vice Chancellor of Development” (long shot)
The 385,000 county residents can look forward to a battle between “son”, “real estate queen”, and other presently unannounced aspirants.
Nevertheless, this writer in demonstrating more courage than the late Lewis Grizzard, who declined the opportunity to serve his community of Hot-Lanta, in announcing his candidacy and submits my initial Ten Point platform to the people:
- We will not run campaign TV and cable ads until the last five days before the election (the public will still have Mike Lindell, fruits and veggies folks, and the ever increasing number of legal advertising attorneys to be entertained);
- Any ads running within the five-day period will not interfere with the Women of Wrestling galas at 10:00 on Saturday nights or “Farmer Seeking Wife”;
- Although campaign funding will be no problem (I am on SS) it will be necessary to bring out of retirement some super money raisers such as BT’s main finance man in the CPD. I also verify that I am a valid, registered resident of Choo Choo City overlooking beautiful metropolitan Eastdale;
- I will not engage in dirty political tricks against my opponents by having them pulled over for minor traffic violations and releasing a copy of any warm and gentle interview between them and any hard-working CPD officer to a local TV station 1-2 days before the election;
- The KKK from the East Lake and East Chattanooga Klegels and the Black Panther Party head honcho from lower Lookout Mountain have agreed to jointly endorse me at my announcement presentation before the General AP Stewart statue on the South end of the Hamilton County Courthouse;
- The recent “Public Input” request from the Tennessee Valley’s most valuable asset since the 1930s (TVA) inspires me to add a plank in my platform as to the best use for the property. As the “Hotel for the Unhoused” (homeless) Choo Choo City would be assured of another number 2 ranking from Wallet Hub;
- And, of course, as our campaign develops more minor issues such as crime, immigration, pollution of the Tennessee River, creeks and tributaries, etc. will be addressed and solved without any need for further federal grant requests (except for the Chickamauga Dam Locks);
- A Sanctuary City status on immigration matters and another Sister City cooperative designation with a Chinese community is in the best interests of Hamilton County citizens; and
- Capping all new office (hotel, low rent housing projects, buildings, etc.) at 50 stories will eliminate the use of the outdated logo “Scenic City of the South” by obscuring the views of the greenery of any areas after the building boom to 500,000 residents; and
- I pledge to move the Greyhound bus terminal from Wildwood, GA to the Fortwood community where the congenial Neighborhood Association can care for the needs of incoming visitors.
PS: Any phony issues raised by vindictive political opponents about my AGE will be vigorously disproved by my pool playing colleagues at the soon to be demolished Billiards Parlor on Chestnut Street who will be forced to admit that I am the best player in my youthful generation category.
(Let the contests begin!)
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!