It is with a thrill we get to open ‘This Week’s Saturday Funnies’ with some great news. Those of us who adore Siskin Hospital have worried for months that Tuesday’s glorious Possibilities Luncheon might be a long reach. Since the COVID pandemic forced this week’s annual fundraiser into virtual mode, there was an acknowledged threat that donation might fall short.
The early-spring fundraiser annually generates “at cost” funding to hundreds of those in the Chattanooga area who cannot afford insurance, and is for those who cannot pay for out-patient therapy. Every penny raised by the luncheon makes for “possibilities,” don’t you see, for adults and children alike.
It was learned on Thursday the people in the extended Chattanooga community just generated a record-breaking $224,000 this year. Further, the virtual tape will be available on Siskin’s website until March 15 and those who buy a $50 “ticket” can log on to the Siskin Hospital for Rehabilitation website and be part of the greatest outpouring of love in the 30 years Siskin has now stood as shrine to “Yes I Can!” Is that special or what!
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Here come this week’s riddles:
1. What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
2. What has a head and a tail, but no body?
3. What belongs to you, but other people use it more than you?
4. I reach for the sky, but clutch to the ground; sometimes I leave, but I am always around. What am I?
5. I never was but always will be. No one ever saw me, but everyone knows I exist. I give people the motivation to better themselves every day. What am I?
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As you mull over the answers, please remember that these jokes and stories arrive to us via email and they are not written by the Chattanoogan.com staff. We laugh and delight just as you do, but please understand anything you admit must be fitting for a 13-year-old child. Please share your Saturday Funnies with us. Please share your jokes and funny stories with us!
This week’s Answers:
1. The letter ‘M’
2. A coin.
3. Your name.
4. A tree.
And, now onward to The Saturday Funnies!
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THE TIE AND THE WATER
An ISIS terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail, little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The ISIS terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The ISIS man shouted hysterically, "Idiot infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk and only $5."
"Pahh!?? A curse on your ties!! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It is run by my brother. It has the finest food and all the ice cold water you need. Go in peace!"
Cursing him again, the desperate ISIS terrorist staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped:
"They won't let me in without a tie."
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THE BEST SPEEDING EXCUSE EVER
"A Florida senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette.
He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I've never before heard – I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought it might be you and you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
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SOME OF THE BEST FROM THE HOSPITAL
- A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. (Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco)
-. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient. (Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle.
- One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' (Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg)
- During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?' I asked. 'The patch...’ he said. ‘The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. (Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA)
- While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered … ' Why, not for about 20 years -- back when my husband was alive.' (Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR)
- I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked … ' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ‘It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,’ Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' (Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit.)
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MY FAVORITE VIDEOS FROM THIS WEEK
When I was 15 and slap-in-love for the umpteenth time, I memorized the words to one of my all-time Top 10 favorite songs, “Smile.” My thinking at the time was that the day would come when I would find myself in some South Pacific lagoon with my “squeeze” and I’d better be ready. I’m still ready …
Imagine my delight in discovering it in a Thanksgiving musical “thank you” to our nurses that somehow got through my radar.
Many of my favorite singers took part – for free – along with some brave nurses from New York’s Northwell Health. Can you imagine reporting for your shift on North Wing Four and being told, “Another nurse will relieve you at 1 o’clock so you can sit next to Stevie Wonder and help him sing!!”
Anyway, the benefit provided money for a variety of programs including scholarships for nurses and their children. I hope you will be as moved by this one as I still am. CLICK HERE.
* -- Want to watch another fun one? Here’s a virtual compilation that Celine Dion, Andrea Bocelli, Lady Gaga, Lang, and John Legend did for “One World: Together At Home” on April 18, 2020. If you think it’s good, so do another 8.8 million who have seen in on YouTube in the last 11 months. CLICK HERE.