Hot ziggety … we open with our new quiz format!
THIS WEEK’S QUIZ OF WISDOM
1. The giant squid has a brain in the shape of … A) a pencil; B) a doughnut; C) Judy Bellenfant’s left foot; D) a triangle.
2. Human beings have about 3 million smell receptors. How many are in the nose of a dog? A) one million; B) ten million; C)100 million; D) 300 million.
3.
A ‘knot’ is a unit of speed for a ship. What is that in ‘miles-per-hour’? A) 1.15 mph; B) 3.2 mph; C) .75 mph; D) 6.2 mph (10 kilometers).
4. Identical twins do NOT have the same …. A) taste buds; B) hair follicles; C) fingerprints; D) the same parents.
5. ‘Heterochromia iridis’ is A) the hue in the distance from Clingman’s Dome; B) why your reflection is backwards in a mirror; C) when your two eyeballs are different colors; D) what Chip Baker looks like before he combs his hair after a shower.
THIS WEEK’S RIDDLE: If “two’s company” a “three’s a crowd,” what are four and five?
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A TRUE STORY … FROM MY FRIEND KEN DRYDEN
“I had shoulder-repair surgery (this week) to remove a bone spur and fix a tear in the tendons. Arriving at 7:25 a.m., I checked in with the desk nurse and signed numerous forms. As I signed the HIPPA form, I was told that for reasons of privacy, I would be addressed as a number, rather than by name, even though I saw no one else during my stay in the waiting room. As the nurse called out "1400," I told her that she wouldn't get this joke, but I stated, "I am not a number, I AM A FREE MAN!" She laughed, though not as hard as each week's Number 2 did in the opening credits to the 1960s TV series "The Prisoner."
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THIS WEEK’S AWARD-WINNING JOKES
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TWO BLONDES ON THE SAME AIRPLANE
Two blondes were flying to New York from Los Angeles. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".
Twenty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed, and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
Fifteen minutes later the captain announced "One more engine has failed, and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde looked at the other blonde and said: “If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
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MORE ENGINE TROUBLE ON THE AIRPLANE
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"No sir, Captain," came the reply, “the lawyers are still passing out business cards."
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HALF OFF FOR WIVES ON BUSINESS
An airline recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
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TWO WITH MEMORY PROBLEMS
An older couple was having memory problems and were easily distracted. The man usually woke up before his wife, fixed his breakfast and when his wife got up later, she fixed herself breakfast. The man went into the kitchen and put a coffee pod into the coffee maker.
He noticed it was the last pod, so he went to the pantry to get a new box and returned with a can of soup.
Next he picked up the bread, there was only one slice left so he put it in the toaster. He threw the wrapper away and planned to get another loaf when he went to the store. He placed the coffee and toast on the counter.
Normally he went outside to get the morning paper while waiting for the coffee and toast, then read it while eating breakfast. Realizing he hadn't gotten the paper, he went outside. He noticed someone had thrown a fast-food drink cup in his yard.
He went and picked it up and placed it in the garbage can.
He then went to pick up his paper and saw that all the neighbors had pushed their garbage cans to the curb. He placed the paper under his arm and pushed the garbage can to the street.
While he was outside, his wife went into the kitchen and saw the coffee and toast on the counter.
Since her husband wasn't around she thought he had made breakfast for her, so she ate the toast, drank the coffee, washed the plate and cup, and placed them in the dish drainer.
Her husband came in, laid the paper beside his chair, and went to the kitchen.
He saw the plate and cup in the drainer and concluded that he had already had breakfast.
He returned to his chair, saw the newspaper, and figured he had already read it.
His wife came in and thanked him for fixing her breakfast and asked if he was finished with the paper.
He replied “Yes, I am and you're welcome. Remind me to get milk when I go to the store.”
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THE LONE RANGER’S FAITHFUL TONTO SPEAKS …
Tonto speaks … Tonto came riding into camp, bruised and bloodied. The Lone Ranger asked him what happened.
Tonto replied, “Me drink fire water, see tracks, follow tracks, put ear to ground, hear loud noise, get run over by train.”
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THE WIDOW’S ‘FULL REPORT’
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Rachel, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful, considerate, and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"My Sidney thought of everything", she told her friends. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside.
He handed me three envelopes. 'Rachel', he told me. 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am gone, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed.
Knowing you'll do this; I can rest in peace'."
“What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So, I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a beautiful lining that I know Sidney would be very pleased.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. It made sure Sidney had a very dignified funeral."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.
Rachel held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a gorgeous diamond ring.
"So?" said Rachel, "You like my stone?"
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THIS WEEK’S ANSWERS
1. B – a doughnut (what’s more, the squid’s throat goes through the doughnut hole)
2. D – 300 million. Go ahead, count ‘em.
3. A – 1 knot = 1.15 miles per hour
4. C – fingerprints
5. C – Eyeballs (It can happen in animals, too.)
Riddle answer – Nine.
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THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
* -- MEMORIAL DAY, 2021 – The U.S. Navy Sea Chanters shares a set by Dominick DiOrio, “You Do Not Walk Alone,” a traditional Irish Blessing … "May you always hear, even in your sorrow, the gentle singing of the lark" … it is dedicated on Monday’ Memorial Day “to all who have given their lives in defense of this great nation. #NavyMusicRemembers their honor, courage, and commitment.” CLICK
HERE.
* -- THE CARLSBERG movie ad, highlighting courage, has been seen by 18.8 million and when you see this practical joke you’ll know why.
CLICK HERE.
* -- ‘GOD ONLY KNOWS’ is, arguably, the best song the Beach Boys did due to the harmony on Brian Wilson’s masterpiece. This video was recorded at the Beach Boys’ historic concert at Knebworth House in England on June 21st, 1980. It proved to be the last time that the original Beach Boys: Brian Wilson, Mike Love, Carl Wilson, Dennis Wilson, and Alan Jardine, would appear together on a UK stage. If you go back to about the two-thirds mark, you can see Carl’s delight as the harmony blend is flawless -- as always.
CLICK HERE.
* -- ONE OF MY TOP joke sharers included this video, and you must see it! First, the backstory: The Hallelujah Chorus, part of Handel's Messiah, is one of the most revered Christmas songs of all times. All across the world, whenever this song is sung, people rise to their feet in respect and are enraptured by the praise ringing forth to God through a multitude of voices. Isn't this how the angels must have sounded on that night in Bethlehem? Well, prepare yourself for a slightly different "visual version" of the Hallelujah Chorus - this one "sung" by the Silent Monks. Monks, of course, are those individuals who cloister themselves away in a silent monastery - living lives of denial and solitude in order to get to know God better through a life of simplicity.
CLICK HERE.
* -- REST VERY EASILY -- If you worry that you hear “about bumps” during the night, the ‘Viking Nightstand’ will reassure you not to be scared of anything!
CLICK HERE.
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