Although Choo Choo City has one of the lowest crime problems in the nation (and world) it appears that there may be two areas of larceny that is adversely affecting our high standing. Those two categories are – pet thefts and unlawful theft of bicycles.
The subject of beloved canine, kitten, pet alligators, boa constrictors, etc. will have to wait for another day.
The felony seizures of the pedal power mode of transportation is somewhat surprising because most thieves that would steal a kid’s bike are too lazy to exert that much energy unless trying to avoid apprehension by one of the city’s (and county’s) “finest” (police officers).
In contemplating an article about this dastardly crime it became apparent that it would be necessary to turn to the leading guru of knowledge—the late Lewis Grizzard (L.G.) (1947-1994).
The introduction to the last collection of articles by the pride of Moreland, Georgia by his friend and business manager Steve Enoch is “It Wasn’t Always Easy, But I Sure Had Fun” (1994- Villard Books) contains an exchange of conversations by two preachers on the topic of bicycle theft.
(In order to avoid revocation of the writer’s baptismal record the names of the religious denominations have been deleted in the article except to state that they were the only two churches in Moreland during L.G.’s upbringing:
“Then there were the two preachers.
There was this small town with Preacher No. 1 and Preacher No. 2. Both congregations had young preachers and they both rode bicycles to the services every Sunday morning, and every Sunday morning they would meet and exchange notes.
One morning, Preacher No. 1 walked up on foot. Preacher No. 2 said, ‘Brother, where is your bicycle?’
Preacher No. 1 said, ‘Brother, I believe somebody in my congregation has stolen my bicycle.’
Preacher No. 2 was appalled. He said, ‘I’ll tell you how to get your bicycle back. You preach on the Ten Commandments this morning and when you get to ‘Thou Shall Not Steal’ you bear down on it. You make ‘em feel that fire, smell that brimstone! Whoever stole your bicycle will start feeling bad and bring it back to you.’
Preacher No. 1 said he’d try it. The next Sunday morning, sure enough, he was on his bicycle again.
‘Hallelujah!’ shouted Preacher No. 2. ‘I see you preached on the Ten Commandments and got your bicycle back. I’ll bet you had the thief really squirming when you bore down on ‘Thou Shall Not Steal.’
‘Well, that’s not exactly what happened,’ said Preacher No. 1.
‘What do you mean?’ asked Preacher No. 2.
‘Well, I did preach on the Ten Commandments,’ his colleague said, ‘but when I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left my bicycle.’”
(Any unbeliever—or believer—that cannot interpret the words of wisdom of the late humorist “are on their own” as the preacher in the “Blazing Saddles” movie directed by Mel Brooks stated in the 1974 racist cowboy satire take on Western films that featured Gene Wilder, Cleavon Little, Madeline Kahn, Harvey Korman, and Alex Karras.)
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You can reach Jerry Summers at jsummers@summersfirm.com
Jerry Summers