Roy Exum
So help me this is the truth if I have ever told it: I was sitting in my rocking chair Friday morning about 10:30 a.m. when my eye happened to catch a squirrel walking out on a limb. It was clearly going to leap onto another branch on the next tree. I have no idea what caused me to pause and watch but – I give you my word! – the squirrel leaped – and missed! I’ve never seen that in my life but, oh, what happened next was so funny I’ll never forget it.
It wasn’t a long fall for the squirrel … maybe 15 feet into a thick bed of soft ivy … but what made me laugh so hard I almost split my sides is the squirrel did the exact thing in each of the following milliseconds that we humans do, I’m talking every time. That squirrel got into a sitting position easily – he was not hurt – and then he looked slowly to his right as far as his neck would turn, and then just slowly to his left. That’s how I could tell it was a boy – and I know for certain his prayer was simply that none of his friends were watching.
So help me, he then looked skyward up at the branch he had just misjudged, this in such a similar way that I’ve cast such a longing glance in hindsight at all of my misses, that I acted on pure reflex. As if on que -- I uttered an audible “Damn,” for the critter. So help me, I’ve worn an identical expression on my face too many times to know a cuss word is the only thing that fits in such an embarrassing situation. My newly-adopted squirrel had that look on his face I’ve seen reflected on mine at least 100 times. Honor bright – true story – and it made me laugh all day long!
Everybody knows I don’t write “The Saturday Funnies,” I just gather some of the funny stuff I get in emails and let her rip. But the squirrel that missed is indeed an original and, Lordy, that was funny. Let’s see what we’ve got as we brace for tomorrow, which will be the last day in the state’s history you won’t be able to buy wine on Sunday in a grocery store …
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HERE’S EXACTLY THE PROPER WAY TO HANDLE A DEMOCRAT SOCIALIST
A plane is on its way to Washington, D.C., when a Democrat, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who is seated in Economy Class, gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the future congresswoman that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back. Cortez replies, "I’m a Democrat, I’m beautiful, I’m socialist, I’m going to D.C. and I’m staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a Democrat congresswoman sitting in First Class, she belongs in Economy and she won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to Ocasio-Cortez and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to Economy. Ocasio-Cortez replies, "I’m a Democrat, I’m beautiful, I’m socialist, I’m going to D.C. and I’m staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the future congresswoman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a Democrat Socialist? I'll handle this, I’m married to a liberal. I speak socialist."
He goes back to the Democrat and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I’m sorry." She then gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, 'First Class isn't going to D.C.'"
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THE DRUG STORE TEST REVEALED OUR GIRL IS PREGNANT
An 18-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. Yep! The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath 2 retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores, and a $25,000,000 bank account.
"However,” the distinguished gentleman paused just so … “If there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do, what do you suggest?" the man said.
All choked up at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...
"You'll try again, right?"
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SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT IN THE SHOWER
Eleven teens die each day because of texting while driving. Maybe it's time to raise the age of Smartphone ownership to 21.
If gun control laws actually worked, Chicago would be Mayberry.
The Second Amendment makes more women equal than the entire feminist movement.
Legal gun owners have 300 million guns and probably a trillion rounds of ammo. Seriously, if we were the problem, you'd know it.
When JFK was killed, nobody blamed the rifle.
The NRA murders 0 people and receives $0 in government funds. Planned Parenthood kills 350,000 babies every year and receives $500,000,000 in tax dollars annually.
I have no problem with vigorous background checks when it comes to firearms. While we're at it, let's do the same when it comes to immigration and voter I.D.
You don't need a smoke detector; that's what the fire department is for. Now...If you think that sounds stupid, you know how I feel when you say I don't need a gun.
Folks keep talking about another Civil War. One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets. The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use. How do you think that's going to end?
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YOU GONNA’ LOVE ROME – MAKE SURE TO ORDER PIZZA
A woman who was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband mentioned the trip to the hairdresser.
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? asked the hairdresser. “It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking Continental,” she replied. “We got a great rate!”
“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser.” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on the Tiber River called Teste.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman came in for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.”
“And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, one of the finest hotels in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.
“Oh, really! What’d he say?”
He asked me, “Who screwed up your hair?”
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BEST VIDEO THIS WEEK – In the ceaseless clamor of the Christmas week, I overlooked a video that is in the Top 25 that I have ever adored in my life. In 2015 Coca-Cola USA teamed with adverting giant J. Walter Thompson Brasil to create a most-magical short story of sorts, called “Uma Ponte para Noel” (A Bridge for Santa). Created by author, journalist and moviemaker José Roberto Torero, it tells the saga of Mathias, a boy who dreamed of the day Santa and the Christmas Caravan would visit his town, all it lacked was a bridge. Before you watch this, fasten your seat belts and double up on the Kleenix. CLICK HERE
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