Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, December 8, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

With this the first Saturday of December, my dear friend Larry sends along a most appropriate tale to start off the season for The Saturday Funnies. By now you know I don’t write the funnies and not a word is one of mine. I just gather up the stuff that people send me during the week and my sole intent is to share laughter.

Larry claims this traditional-holiday-sounding event happened, as I understand it, a few years ago. It happened at the Secondary Baptist Church of Hahira, Georgia. The event was not widely or long publicized, but it did draw an overflow crowd.

No, it's not an annual event; it was a one-time deal.

And here’s what happened. The Greens were new in town, first-time visitors to the church, and...well, they sat in someone else's seats!

Thus, the hanging of the Greens ...

* * *


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the two quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

After the customer leaves the barber shop, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store with his newly purchased ice cream cone.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the two quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over.”

~ Author Unknown ~

* * *


* -- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

* -- Age is a high price for maturity.

* -- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

* -- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

* -- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before.

* -- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

* -- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

* -- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

* -- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

* -- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

* -- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

* -- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

* -- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

* -- Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

* -- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

* -- A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

* -- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

* -- Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

* -- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

* -- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

* -- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

* -- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

* -- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

* -- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

* -- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

* * *


An eight-year-old boy was riding his bicycle in Ojus, Florida, when he saw his friend being attacked by a large pit bulldog. The boy jumped off his bike, ran and jumped on the dog's back. After prying the vicious animal's teeth from his young friend's body, he put the dog in a choke hold and held on until the dog was dead.

The local newspaper editor happened to witness this feat and after calling for the ambulance on his cell phone, ran over to the young hero and said, "Son, that was one of the bravest things I have ever seen. You're going to make tomorrow's headlines. It will read: 'University of Miami fan is a Hero: Risks his life and Saves Young Friend from Vicious Pit Bull Attack.'"

The youngster said, "That's nice, but I'm not a University of Miami fan."

Then the Headline will read, "University of Florida Fan Saves Young Friend's Life in Pitt Bull Attack."

The Young Man said, "But I'm not a University of Florida fan."

The editor said, "OK, then it will read, "FSU Fan Saves Friend's Life."

Once again the young man interrupted saying, "I'm not a FSU fan, either."

The editor, becoming somewhat irritated, asked, "Then, who is you favorite team?"

The kid replied with a big smile, "The Georgia Bulldogs!!!"

The next morning, the local newspaper headlines read:


* * *


Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing the truck there "WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!"

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta’ love Frank.

* * * 

When the late president George W.H. Bush lay in state in the Capitol Rotunda earlier this week, 
a very special visitor -- Senator Bob Dole -- who was a fellow soldier in World War II, arrived in his 
wheelchair. He was helped to his feet and if his salute doesn't confirm for you the greatness and
the passion of our nation, may God help you. See the video here.


Don't Delay The Signal Mountain Wage Increase

UnifiEd, Stay Out Of My Yard

Roy Exum: Dakota’s Coming

Disclaimer: I have a personal interest involved that goes further than just being a citizen. Embedded in this unusually high tax increase proposal is a wage increase for town employees as ... (click for more)

The property owners and residents of the non-gated neighborhoods in Hamilton County are currently under siege by another round of political rhetoric from a group I call UnifiEd and the Foundations. ... (click for more)

Dakota Meyer, who on a day in September of 2011 defied battlefield orders to save the lives of over 30 soldiers who were pinned down in a brutal Afghanistan ambush, is coming to Chattanooga on ... (click for more)


Don't Delay The Signal Mountain Wage Increase

Disclaimer: I have a personal interest involved that goes further than just being a citizen. Embedded in this unusually high tax increase proposal is a wage increase for town employees as I understand it. This particular increase is much less than the proposed 21.5 percent which is understandable. My concern: why should town employees have to wait for their well-deserved wage ... (click for more)

UnifiEd, Stay Out Of My Yard

The property owners and residents of the non-gated neighborhoods in Hamilton County are currently under siege by another round of political rhetoric from a group I call UnifiEd and the Foundations. Sounds like a band, doesn’t it? And may I introduce, “UnifiEd and the Foundations featuring Obama for America community organizers needing jobs to fundamental change our country.” ... (click for more)

Breaking News

County Commission Votes 5-4 Against 34-Cent Property Tax Increase For The Schools

The County Commission voted 5-4 on Wednesday morning against a 34-cent property tax increase for the county schools. Opposed were Greg Martin, Randy Fairbanks, Chester Bankston, Tim Boyd and Sabrena Smedley. In favor were Chip Baker, Katherlyn Geter, Warren Mackey and David Sharpe. County Attorney Rheubin Taylor said the action means that none of the budget is approved ... (click for more)

Fire Heavily Damages Vacant Hixson Home Early Wednesday Afternoon

A fire heavily damaged a Hixson home early Wednesday afternoon. At 1:20 p.m., a neighbor called 911 reporting a house fire at 1833 Bay Hill Dr. The Dallas Bay Volunteer Fire Department responded and arrived on the scene reporting heavy fire on the front door and porch area. Firefighters entered the front and back side of the home to find heavy fire downstairs and heavy smoke ... (click for more)


John Hunt: It's Always Tough Saying Farewell To A Pet

There comes a time in every pet owner’s life when difficult decisions have to be made. Althea and I experienced one of those Monday morning when we decided to send our cat CJ to the rainbow bridge. It was a painful decision, but it was the right one to make. We had gotten CJ when he was just a tiny kitten in October ’97. We figured he was about six weeks old, so we picked ... (click for more)

CASL: Monday's High-Point Scorers

BIG RIDGE HIGH-POINT SCORERS: 19 – Alana Ratchford, Nathan Jungels, Caleb Aslinger 18 – Morgan Floyd 17 – Lander Smith, Katie White, Quinn Young 15 – Alex Pruett, Brayden Walker, Dylan Floyd, Ben Jungels 14 – Emily Thomson 13 – Amelia Hunt 12.5 – Chapman Mathis 12 – Ryan Wilson, Logan Carroll 11 – Marina Rodgers 10 – Sara Crane, Lily Urbanski, Alex ... (click for more)