Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, February 3, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

You would have to be in a remote foreign country not to know we are one day away from this year’s Super Bowl. Kickoff for Super Bowl LII (No. 52) is at 6:30 p.m. (EST) in Minneapolis and New England is a touchdown favorite over Philadelphia.

And that’s why we are kicking off this Saturday’s edition of the Saturday Funnies with an urgent request from Minnesota. Kindly remember I am not the author of this request or other funnies each week – they are all funny emails I collect during the week from my Internet friends.

Incidentally, the game will be played indoors at the US Bank Stadium but if it were outdoors, here’s the weather forecast for Minneapolis tomorrow that fans must endure en route to the game:

“FOR SUPER BOWL SUNDAY -- The day could start with snow showers with the temperature rising to 16 degrees. Temperatures at night are expected to fall to one degree with the wind hovering at around 10 miles per hour.” (Seriously.)

So here is the urgent request on Super Bowl Eve – “I know it’s late notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Minneapolis, MN at the new U.S. Bank Stadium on Sunday February 4th.

“They are box seats and he paid $3,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00 bar tab and a pass to the winner’s locker room after the game.

“What he didn't realize when he bought them last year was that it’s on the same day as his WEDDING.

“If you or someone you know are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

“It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m. Her name is Ashley. She’s 5'4", about 135 pounds, a good cook. She'll be the one in the white dress.”

* * *

WHEN A COWBOY GAVE A LESSON IN COMMON SENSE

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2018 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo  in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany . 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs the animal into the trunk of his car.  

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" 

"You're a Republican Congressman from Washington, D.C.," says Bud.

“Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew…to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know beans about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

"Now give me back my dog!"  

* * *

THE BLONDE, THE TRUCKER & TWO CHIMPANZEES

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from Jacksonville, Florida when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down......

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Jacksonville, Florida?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the Jacksonville Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Jacksonville when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

* * *

WHY WE LAUGH SO MUCH IN THE SOUTH

FROM TENNESSEE -- The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. “He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

FROM TEXAS -- The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.

'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

FROM LOUISIANA -- A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

FROM GEORGIA -- A  Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D.?' The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

FROM NORTH CAROLINA -- A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was....

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. But ….hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.’

AND THIS GEM FROM ALABAMA -- 'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire from down here to the North!’

royexum@aol.com


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