Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 19, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As you undoubtedly suspect, “Little Johnny” is our favorite student of all time here at The Saturday Funnies and now word comes that his “cat story” is about to ascend as one of the classics of all time. As we share it once again, it is right and fitting that we know the Saturday Funnies do not originate with us, but instead are collected each week from the funny emails and stories that arrive with our other emails. Every week we try to have stories you haven’t seen before but everyone loves “Johnny’s Cats.”

- - -

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

* * *

AS ‘THE WINTER OF OUR LIVES’ ARRIVES …

You know time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.  It seems like yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate.  Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all those years went.

I know that I lived them all.  I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.  But, here it is... the winter of my life, and it catches me by surprise... How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those 'older people' were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey... they move slower and I see an older person in myself now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me... but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day!  And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so...now I enter this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last... this I know, that when it's over on this earth... it's over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are also many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.  So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it quickly!  Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly.  So, do what you can TODAY, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, LIVE FOR TODAY and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember ... and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past.

Life' is a GIFT to you.  The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.  Make it a fantastic one.

Remember: It is Health that is real Wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.

* -- Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!

* -- Going out is good...coming home is even better!

* -- You forget names...but it's OK, because other people forgot they even knew you!

* -- You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... especially golf.

* -- The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

* -- You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed.  It's called 'pre-sleep’.

* -- You miss the days when everything worked with just an ‘ON' and ‘OFF' switch.

* -- You tend to use more 4 letter words….’what?'...’when?'

* -- Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

* -- You notice everything they sell in stores is ‘sleeveless'

* -- What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

* -- Everybody whispers.

* -- You have three sizes of clothes in your closet.... two of which you will never wear.

But ‘Old' is good in some things:

Old Songs, Old movies... and best of all, our dear...OLD FRIENDS!

Stay well, 'OLD FRIEND!'

Send this on to other 'Old Friends' and let them laugh in agreement!

-- Author Unknown

* * *

HOW YOU GET RID OF AN OLD REFRIGERATOR IN FORT OGLETHORPE

They tell me this man, living in Fort Oglethorpe, bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of the old one, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it, but being no stranger to adversity, he eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."

By the next day someone had stolen it.

* * *

WHAT DO YOU RECKON WAS THIS SALESMAN’S FIRST CLUE?

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It is opened by a little ten-year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other, and a girly magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "Now, please … what do you really think …. “

* * *

HEAR ABOUT THE GUY WHO HAD ENOUGH OF SCHOOL?

"I'm not going to school," screams Johnny from his bedroom.

"Why not?" shouts his mother.

"The kids bully me, the teachers hate me and even the janitor picks on me. Give me one good reason I should go to school!"

With a mighty sigh, she yelled back, “ … because you’re the principal!”

* * *

A MOMENT OF REVERENCE IN THE CHURCH LOBBY

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'   'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? ' The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:30?

* * *

“GOD, I WISH THAT I – AND ALL MEN -- COULD UNDERSTAND WOMEN … “

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?'

* * *

THIS DITZY FEMALE DESERVED THE ANSWER SHE RECEIVED 

A man was visiting a friend in the hospital. He had recently quit smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he stepped into the elevator. But a woman who was already in the elevator told him firmly: “Sir, there is no smoking in this hospital!”

“I’m not smoking, lady,” replied the man.

“But you have a cigar in your mouth!”

“Yes ma’am, and I’m wearing jockey shorts, but I’m not riding a horse!”

* * *

WHEN THE LADY AT THE BAR HAS THE LAST WORDS

NOTE: Sometimes women are approached in a bar when they don’t want to be. Here are some notorious put-downs …

- - -

HE : Can I buy you a drink?

SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

- - -

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.

SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

- - -

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

- - -

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE : I must've been given your share.

- - -

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?

SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

- - -

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.

SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

- - -

HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.

SHE : Okay, get out.

- - -

HE : I think I could make you very happy.

SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

- - -

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

- - -

HE : Can I have your name?

SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

- - -

HE : Shall we go see a movie?

SHE : I've already seen it.

- - -

HE : Where have you been all my life?

SHE : Hiding from you.

- - -

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?

SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

- - -

HE : Is this seat empty?

SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

- - -

HE : So, what do you do for a living?

SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

- - -

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?

SHE : Do not enter.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S VIDEO

On April 11, 2009 there appeared on the television show “Britain’s Got Talent” a 47-year-old woman who was laughed at. Then Susan Boyle began to sing, and no one laughed any more. It was just announced over 240 million people have now seen the video of the greatest audition the world has ever known. At the time Susan was introduced, she said she wanted to be as successful as the British star Elaine Paige, whose net worth is now $40 million. Earlier this year Susan Boyle’s net worth matched that. To see the unprecedented performance, CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com

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