Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, August 24, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

With the anti-gun freaks unable to explain why “Guns Kill People” but cars don’t make people drive drunk or ice cream scoops do not make us fat, here we go into this week’s edition of ‘The Saturday Funnies.’ And while the morons haven’t yet learned that pencils are the reason we misspell words, let’s not throw too much shade that if America would quit sending out millions each year in foreign aid, the countries who never side with us at the UN could hate us for free!

Think for a minute … we give out $46 billion (with a “b”) each year. Of that total, Iraq that is consistently a pain to deal with gets $3.4 billion. Instead let’s offer them a contract using not an extra dime.

San Francisco is nigh uninhabitable due to the homeless and the fact California let it get so bad. I would tell Iraq we’ve got to hold out $500 million to turn the city pristine again and it’s got to come out of their Christmas money.

Sure, we’ll sub out the job if they need the money but start-to-finish has a three-month window. How fast do you think a homeless guy would straighten up with al-Qaeda guys driving the dump trucks? We could swap work for the billions we waste. Coming to clean up the city?

Yes, this would be a yearly renewal because we have other countries who would sign a deal today. The Iraqis would be so appreciative, and it could be a net-net win. Obviously, we can’t get a grip on the “liberal elite” and our crushing illegal aliens. But here’s no problem for countries like Jordan ($1.4 billion) and Ethiopia ($944 million) The two could use their resources, their methods, and their cunning to collect up the illegals and ship them out of the U.S. We’ll let Israel ($3.2 billion) have first dibs on the liberals. Is that perfect or what?

We gift Afghanistan with $4.89 billion. Instead of sending American troops to consistently get killed, let’s take a premium slab out of their foreign aid and, with a monthly check of more money than most in the Middle East will never see in their lifetime, those jerks would be in charge of their own Army.

We send Jordan $1.4 billion. I would decree we need $1 billion of it back unless they wished to earn it coddling the U.N. The United States has had its fill of the UN and its pseudo-delegates. The whole crowd of those yahoos could relocate in Jordan or Uganda ($608 million) and we could use the available property to build a cancer research facility.

Please remember the Saturday Funnies is created on an email network that sends me materials week after week. I write nothing but the preamble every week. Let’s hope you’ll enjoy this week’s collection:

* * *

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I HAVE LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK

I am not afraid of tomorrow … for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

ONE : Don't miss the boat.

TWO : Remember that we are all in the same boat!

THREE : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR : Stay fit. When you're 80 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE : When you're stressed, float awhile

TEN : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN : No matter the storm, there's always a rainbow waiting.

Please pass this on to people you want to be blessed. Give it. . . don't just get it!

Most people walk in and out of your life, but FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart.

* * *

WAITING IS A DISCIPLINE WE HAVE TO LEARN

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia, he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores. He says, “On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk – you just add water and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice – you just add water and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to myself, “What a country!”

I know what he means. I once saw a novelty item - it was a can of dehydrated water. The instructions read: Open can. Just add water.

We live in a world that craves instant gratification; instant satisfaction. Just add water. Ready to eat. Cooks in one minute. No need to wait.

One old story tells of a judge who questioned the defendant. “What are you charged with?” he asked.

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the man.

“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened.”

Few of us will go to those extremes to satisfy our desire to “get it now,” but we know what we want and we wish we could have it yesterday. We don’t like to wait.

Yet waiting is a discipline we have to learn if we’re to be happy. Whether we learn to delay gratification or simply learn to be patient, we can’t live well without learning to wait.

There is certainly a place for decisiveness and action, but there is also a place for patience. Have you learned when to wait?

* -- Wait for guidance...learn to be still.

* -- Wait for wisdom...it will come with experience.

* -- Wait for growth...it happens in the fullness of time.

* -- Wait for the sunrise...there will be another day.

* -- Wait and be contented...it is a secret to inner peace.

There is a time to act, but there is also a time to wait. Learn to tell what time it is - great things can happen for those who learn to wait. Ralph Waldo Emerson said it well: “Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience."

-- The above essay is from Steve Goodier at LifeSupportSystem.com. I heartily recommend you go to this website and subscribe FOR FREE because every time I receive Mr. Goodier’s newsletter “it lightens my baggage.”

* * *

HERE IS WHAT IS ON ONE MAN’S WISDOM LIST

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke

8. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

9. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

10. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P. J. O'Rourke

11. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

12. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. – Anonymous

13. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

14. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain

15. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark Twain

16. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. --Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

17. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

The Best Five Sentences About Government:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

* * *

A HALF-DOZEN CONUNDRUMS

“A gun is like a parachute. If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing. Here are six Conundrums of Socialism in the United States of America :

1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.

2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.

3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives (the ones they elected) run the government.

4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.

5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other Countries only dream about.

6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about, yet they want America to be more like those other countries.

Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century.

Oh, and by the way …

1. We are wisely advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are foolishly encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.

Funny how that works. And here's another one worth considering...

2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money, but we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money? What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't. Think about it … Am I the only one missing something?

* * *

YOU WILL SOON ORDER PIZZA THIS WAY

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHOA … WHAT’S GOING ON HERE!?

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…

* * *

A NAVY OFFICER’S PERFECT RESPONSE

A real American hero, Retired Navy Cmdr. John Wells, who is also executive director of the Military Veterans Advocacy based in Louisiana, was recently chosen by the New Orleans Saints to receive its Peoples Health Champion Award for highlighting the “health and well-being of our military, veterans and their families.”

It’s an honor to be recognized for the good work one is doing in their community to make a difference in the lives of their neighbors, but it matters “who” is bestowing the honor.

Which is exactly what Commander Wells told the Saints when he refused to accept their award.

“Although I am touched and honored to be selected for such an award, the ongoing controversy with NFL players’ disrespect for the national flag forces me to decline to participate in the presentation, "he said. “I am unable, in good conscience, to enter an NFL stadium while this discourtesy prevails. Since this award is tainted with the dishonorable actions of the NFL and its players, I cannot accept it.”

* * * 

royexum@aol.com


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Opinion

Find The Good And Praise It

Critics like to point out some of the shortcomings of our education system, and we should welcome that debate. A one-size-fits-all system does not work for everyone; it never has and never will. The system will continue to evolve, albeit slowly, and adjustments will always be needed. We should always welcome discussion about public education, which is the highest priority in most ... (click for more)

Send Your Opinions To Chattanoogan.com; Include Your Full Name, Address, Phone Number For Verification

We welcome your opinions at Chattanoogan.com. Email to news@chattanoogan.com . We require your real first and last name and contact information. This includes your home address and phone number. We do not post the contact information, but need it for verification. There is no word limit, but if your article is too long you may lose your reader. Please focus more on issues ... (click for more)

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