Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, January 18, 2020 - by Roy Exum

NOT ALL ATHLETES ARE DUMB

Many in our new generation may not know some of these former professional athletes but I remember them all. Back in the day, it was never hard to get a priceless quote that years later still make you laugh

* -- Don Meredith, a former Dallas Cowboy Quarterback, once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

* -- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach: “Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road.

My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.”

* -- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver: “Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.”

* -- Doug Sanders, professional golfer: “I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch on Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”

* -- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher: “All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there is a fat guy doing great. Bring me another beer.’”

* -- Tommy Lasorda, Los Angeles Dodgers manager: “I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.”

* -- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his twelve knee operations: “My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”

* -- Vic Braden, tennis instructor: “My theory is that if you buy an ice cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.”

* -- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles: “I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”

* -- John Breen, Houston Oilers: “We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

* -- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons: “The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”

* -- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher: “When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.”

* -- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon: “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”

* -- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach: “I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”

*-- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: “I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”

* -- Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers: “I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.”

* -- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores: “Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.”

* -- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach: “The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.”

And you thought Yogi was the only one whose mind worked this way.

* * *

HOW ABOUT THIS DELICIOUS LIST ON WHICH TO PONDER?

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever knmow?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack?   What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you then read correctly?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

*  * *

THERE ARE FACTS AND THEN THERE ARE ABSOLUTE FACTS 

* -- When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison!

* -- To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

* -- When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

 * -- Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."

Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

 * -- Cop: "Please step out of the car."

Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

* -- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

* -- I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

* -- Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

* -- If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

 * -- When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free.  It means I am doing nothing.

* -- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

* -- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

* -- I run like the winded.

* -- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning, and I don't know whose side I'm on.

* -- When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

* -- I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

 * -- When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

* -- I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

* -- When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

* -- It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

* -- Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

* -- That moment when you walk into a spider web and very suddenly it turns you into a karate master.

* -- Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

* -- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

* -- My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

* * *

royexum@aol.com


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