Roy Exum
Oh, my stars! Do you realize that this is the last Saturday Funnies in January? I marvel how time presses by; Tuesday will be Ground Hog’s day. We’re just two weeks away from Valentine’s Day and, when you are old as I, the memories of love long gone change; we no long mourn what’s gone but we relish back to what happened.
Here are this week’s riddles from The Saturday Funnies:
THIS WEEK’S RIDDLES.
1) David’s father has three sons: Snap, Crackle, and _____?
2) Samuel was out for a walk when it started to rain. He did not have an umbrella and he wasn't wearing a hat. His clothes were soaked, yet not a single hair on his head got wet. How could this happen?
3) You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?
4) What is the proper and acceptable length of a woman’s skirt?
5.) What word contains 26 letters, but only has three syllables?
As we take a minute to for you to mull over the answers, we ask that you remember The Saturday Funnies are created from the funny emails and stories that are shared with us each week. Never be bashful about sending us what makes you laugh; I promise many others will appreciate it:
THIS WEEK’S ANSWERS
1) David. C’mon, get your ‘game face’ on!
2) This man is bald!
2) An ear of corn.
4) A little over two feet.
5) The Alphabet.
Hurray! Here are this week’s Saturday Funnies!
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SENIORS ALWAYS TAKE “THE HIGH ROAD”
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So, when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "thank you", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window, I showed them both receipts and took her food, too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over.
Morale of the story: Don't honk your horn at old people.
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A CLASSIC ‘LITTLE JOHNNY’ STORY “
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home.
Joey says, "A computer."
The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."
Jenny says, "A new lawn mower."
The teacher again replies, "That would also be very useful."
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don't need anything!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure we don't. When Biden was elected, I clearly remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last bleeping thing we need!'"
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WHEN IS THE BEST TIME TO PLANT?
A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Sue, whatever you do, do not dig in the back garden!
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened.
Some men came to the house with picks and shovels and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter: "Sue, now is the time to plant the vegetables!"
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ON SWAPPING PROFESSIONAL SECRETS
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed in an earthquake, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start an earthquake?" he asked.
* * *
WHAT KIND OF SALARY ARE YOU THINKING …?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the personnel recruitment officer asked a young engineer fresh out of college "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year and a great benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to $160,000 a year, 5 weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund, and a company car?”
The would-be engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied … "Yeah, but you started it."
* * *
REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED IN DETROIT
A tough looking biker had been in the biker bar for quite some time when he finally decided it was time to go. He stepped through the front door of the bar and realized that his bike was not where he parked it.
"All right" he said loudly, coming back into the biker bar "I'm going to have a shot of whiskey and if my ‘hog’ isn't back up front by the time I'm done, what happened in Detroit will happen here too!"
Many of the bikers ran out of the bar and within moments one came back to tell the tough biker that his ‘hog’ was now parked in front of the bar.
When the tough guy started to leave the bartender asked him.
"Pardon me, stranger, but what happened in Detroit?"
The tough biker replied casually: "I had to walk back to my hotel!"
* * *
NO E-MAIL ADDRESS – NO JOB
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. He applies for a janitor's job at Microsoft and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, “You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. I'm sorry but we can't hire you."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25-pound crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes.
In less than two hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
He decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week, he is getting up early every day and working into the night.
He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a used pickup truck.
At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes from growers, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year, he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.
The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances.
Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, What, you don't have e-mail?
No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
“Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."
* * *
MOM, WHAT’S BUTT DUST?
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! I love the one from James ... These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
* -- JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk? '
* -- MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
* -- STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night … 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
* -- BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
* -- SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough... '
* -- DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
* -- CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
* -- MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
* -- TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
* -- JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
* -- The sermon I think this Mom will never forget… This Sunday sermon, the minister began, 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year-old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
* * *
THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
* -- In 1960 the magnificent singer Édith Piaf very famously recorded the song, “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" which translated from French means, “No, I Regret Nothing.” It has since been adapted as the theme song for the French Foreign Legion. Three years ago, in a popular children’s competition in Germany, an 11-year-old girl – Sofie – gave it a try and you’ll now see why 21 million people have marveled over it. CLICK HERE.
* -- This is Lia, a 14-year-old from Ireland, who sings this song in Italian… over 48 million views on ‘Britain’s Got Talent.’ CLICK HERE.
* -- Watch Katie Lynn, 12 years old and from Kemp, Texas. She was adopted at 3 days old … 8.6 million views on America’s Got Talent. CLICK HERE.
* -- Her hands don’t work right, and she’s blind in one eye, but Rion Paige of Jacksonville, Fla. doesn’t flinch. Age 13 … This one has 61 million views on X-Factor. CLICK HERE.
* -- Then there’s a greatest “first time ever” and I watch this all the time. An April 11, 2009, a 47-year-old Susan Boyle appeared on “Britain’s Got Talent” and the world was shocked … and then rejoiced. To date this tape has had … get this … 247.7 million views. CLICK HERE.
royexum@aol.com