Roy Exum
Hooray for The Saturday Funnies! Before we begin with some wonderful one-liners from some of history’s greatest people, let me remind you we don’t write the Funnies. Instead they are gleaned from the emails we gather from those that are sent to us each week. If you have a great funny, please send it to royexum@aol.com and we’ll share it.
* * *
GREAT ONE-LINERS FROM THE WORLD’S GREATEST PEOPLE
* -- We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~ Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
* --Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~ Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
* -- Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev, Soviet Union politician
* -- When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~ Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
* -- Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton, American actor/writer
* -- Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
* -- I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them". ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.
* -- A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
* -- I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
* -- Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games
* -- I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers, and three or more are the government. ~ John Adams (1735 - 1826)
* -- Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Government. But then I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain (1835- 1910)
* -- I don't make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts! ~ Will Rogers (1879- 1935)
* -- I contend that for a nation to try and tax itself into prosperity, is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. ~ Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
* -- A Government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul! ~ Will Rogers (1879- 1935)
* -- The problem we face today is because the people that work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living. ~ George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)
* -- Yogi Berra Said:
If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.
You can observe a lot by just watching.
If you don't know where you are going, you might not get there.
* -- More One Liners:
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
I finally got it all together, then forgot where I put it.
I survived the great toilet paper shortage of 2020.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
Not only is my short-term memory terrible, so is my short-term memory.
When life shuts a door then opens it again, that's how it works – it's a door.
* * *
NOW FOR A LITTLE BLONDE HUMOR
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
“What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
“Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"
* * *
ARE YOU SURE YOU UNDERSTAND?
A wife said to her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six!"
Later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him why he bought six cartons of milk and he replied, "They had eggs."
* * *
IT HAPPENED IN A TOY STORE
Peter selects a toy car and gives the cashier money from a Monopoly game. The cashier said, “This isn't real money!” Peter said, “And this isn't a real car.”
* * *
ANDY WAS REALLY A GOOD PERSON
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison on time.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop which he had promised his wife. So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
* * *
THIS WEEK’S FAVORITE VIDEOS
* -- Candid Camera Classic: Please Disturb (Cameo with Jeff Foxworthy) CLICK HERE.
* -- Candid Camera Catches Muhammad Ali! CLICK HERE.
* -- “The Ten Tenors sing Leonard Cohens cover, “Hallelujah” CLICK HERE.
* -- Susan Boyle rocked the music world when she made an auspicious debut on Britain’s Got Talent.” Today over 22 million have seen this video CLICK HERE.
* -- Paul Potts stuns the judges – and over 14 million views -- singing ‘Nessun Dorma’ on Britain’s Got Talent in 2007 CLICK HERE.
* -- In 1967 -- that’s when I was a kid in love -- Petula Clark, sang “Downtown” on the Dean Martin Show and almost four million have since watched this tape. CLICK HERE.
* -- One of the most wonderful songs ever is Randy Travis singing “Three Wooden Crosses,’’ this live at Calvary Assembly Of God, Orlando, FL in 2003. CLICK HERE.
royexum@aol.com