Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, December 4, 2021
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

SOME OF THE BEST ONE-LINERS

* -- My wife asked me earlier: "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really weird way to start a conversation.

* -- I met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee. Brocco Lee.

* -- I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did!

* -- Albert Einstein was a genius. His brother Frank was a monster.

* -- My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

* -- I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

* -- Democrats tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

* -- Aww Joe, it's so depressing when you try to talk about things you don't understand.

* -- A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?".

I happily replied "Yes." She took away the extra chair at my table.

* -- Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

* -- I finally stopped drinking for good. Now I just drink for evil.

* -- They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues. I don't even know eight people without issues.

* -- Friend: "Look! Your husband is talking to another girl." Me: "Let him. I want to see how long he can suck-in his stomach."

* -- I have opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the're worms. Hardly the chaos that's been advertised.

* -- I went line dancing last night. Well ... it was a roadside sobriety test ... same thing ...

* -- Theme parks can snap a crystal-clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

* -- Did you know that people who look after chickens are literally Chicken Tenders?

* -- The fastest land mammal is not a cheetah ... it's a toddler who has just been asked "what's in your mouth?"

* -- The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

* -- Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. So now I sit in the park and laugh at all the joggers.

* -- When my wife is mad at me, I tighten all the jar lids, so she has to talk to me.

* -- Covid-19 Fact: 87% of gym members don't even know their gym is closed.

* -- Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence - eat bacon.

* -- I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

* -- Someone just honked to get me out of my parking space faster, so now I just have to sit here until both of us are dead.

* -- My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

* -- I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.

* -- In the 1980s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.

* -- Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky.

* -- I still have a full deck; I just shuffle and deal slower.

* * *

THE TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop making you angry.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - "On time" is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

And one more:

"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house!

* * *

HOW DID THIS GUY BECOME AN OWNER?

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going.

He goes down to the shipping dock and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says: "Son, how much do you make a day?"

The guy replies: "100 dollars!" The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $100, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner: "Have you seen that pizza delivery driver? I asked him to wait here for me …"

* * *

DON’T BUNGEE JUMP ON MEXICO

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.

Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. After they finish they test it, the first guy jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.

Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.

This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

* * *

THE PERFECT BIRTHDAY GIFT

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for her birthday.

"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag."

"That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought."

Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

* * *

AN AIRMAN’S CLASSIC REPLY

An Air Force plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland to take the airbase commander and staff to the U.S.

They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The truck was late in arriving, and the airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the airman responded:

"Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes.

Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

* * *

THE TOP VIDEOS OF THE SEASON

* -- Ed Sheeran & Elton John - Merry Christmas CLICK HERE.

* -- Harry Connick Jr sings "When My Heart Finds Christmas" CLICK HERE.

* -- Wintley Phipps Sings ‘I Believe’ at Washington Cathedral CLICK HERE.

* -- O Holy Night - Sandi Patty and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir CLICK HERE.

* -- Andrea Bocelli ‘Hallelujah’ with Daughter Virginia, Sacramento Ca. CLICK HERE.

* -- Nat King Cole - "The Christmas Song" (1961) CLICK HERE.

* -- Josh Groban - Ave Maria CLICK HERE.

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royexum@aol.com


Be Gone, Foul Plague

Please Recycle Right

Riverbend Should Have Been Laid To Rest - And Response (2)


Jan. 6, in New Orleans was the kickoff for Mardi Gras which normally features tableau balls, dinners, brunches, parties, concerts in the park and many parades. One of the first events there ... (click for more)

Earlier this week someone dumped hundreds of plastic hangers, with metal hooks and clips, into the #2 plastic bin at the Hamilton County/Red Bank recycling drop off center. This happened when ... (click for more)

Pretty sure Riverbend should have been laid to rest when Chip left...that way the festival could have gone out on top. Instead, it has sunk deeper than I ever imagined anything could. Glad ... (click for more)



Opinion

Be Gone, Foul Plague

Jan. 6, in New Orleans was the kickoff for Mardi Gras which normally features tableau balls, dinners, brunches, parties, concerts in the park and many parades. One of the first events there is the Joan of Arc Parade. Locals never need an excuse for a parade or a celebration and this year is no exception. Leading the parade was a standard bearer with a banner reading BE GONE FOUL ... (click for more)

Please Recycle Right

Earlier this week someone dumped hundreds of plastic hangers, with metal hooks and clips, into the #2 plastic bin at the Hamilton County/Red Bank recycling drop off center. This happened when the regular, super conscientious attendant was off for the MLK holiday. Normally this particular drop off has single digit or very low double digit contamination rates, the lowest of any ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Pikeville Man Charged With Harassment Of Bledsoe County Judge

Special agents from the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation have obtained arrest warrants charging a Pikeville man accused of harassing a judge in Bledsoe County. At the request of 12th District Attorney General J. Michael Taylor, TBI agents began investigating threatening messages sent to a Bledsoe County judge. During the course of the investigation, it was determined Robert ... (click for more)

Former Tennessee Clinic Owner Sentenced To 168 Months For Opioid Distribution

Mark Daniel Allen, 64, of Venice, Fla., was sentenced on Friday to 168 months in prison and $700 in special assessments, followed by three years of supervised released, by Judge Travis R. McDonough.. Allen was found guilty of six counts of unlawfully distributing controlled substances and one count of maintaining a drug-involved premises after a three-day trial in Chattanooga, ... (click for more)

Sports

Chattanooga Women Host UNC Greensboro Saturday

The Chattanooga women’s basketball team will look to keep the excitement going Saturday afternoon against UNC Greensboro at The McKenzie Arena. Chattanooga is riding a three-game win streak and sitting third in the Southern Conference standings after claiming its 900th program win against Western Carolina on Thursday. The Mocs are 5-14 overall and 3-1 in league play. UNCG is ... (click for more)

John Shearer: Retiring Mark Guhne Looks Back With Fondness On UTC Golf Coaching Career

Mark Guhne did construction work building houses for nearly 20 years before he realized he wanted to build something else – a college golf program. After being hired as the UTC men’s golf coach in a rather unusual manner, he went on to lead the Mocs through probably their most successful period in history in terms of being able to compete with bigger schools and reach the ... (click for more)