Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, April 10, 2021 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Comes the news that the University of Kentucky has, quite erroneously and therefore hysterically, just sent out 500,000 acceptance letters. As you wonder about the postage, here are this week’s riddles:

THE RIDDLES

1) You have three stoves: a gas stove, a wood stove, and a coal stove, but only one match. Which should you light first?

2) I am full of holes, but I can still hold water. What am I?

3) You walk up to a mountain that has two paths. One leads to the other side of the mountain, and the other will get you lost forever.

Two twins know the path that leads to the other side. You can ask them only one question. Except! One lies and one tells the truth, and you don't know which is which. So, What do you ask?

4)  One day, the police found a man dead inside a hut. In his left hand, he's holding a gun. In his right hand, he has a recording. When the recording is played, the police hear the man talking about how horrible life is and how he wants it to end. The recording ends with a gunshot. The police are about to call it a suicide until you point out a very important clue. What is it?

5) A magician was boasting one day at how long he could hold his breath under water. His record was 6 minutes. A kid that was listening said, "that's nothing, I can stay under water for 10 minutes using no types of equipment or air pockets!" The magician told the kid if he could do that, he'd give him $10,000. The kid did it and won the money. Can you figure out how?

6) Tool of thief, toy of queen. Always used to be unseen. Sign of joy, sign of sorrow. Giving all likeness borrowed. What am I?

- - -

As you mull over your answers, kindly remember we do not write The Saturday Funnies; they are included in the emails we receive during the week. Of course, this is to make the giggles last a little longer and it also helps to stifle any anger the riddles may trigger. (Incidentally, if you can think of any local riddles or jokes, share them with us!)

- - -

THE ANSWERS

1) The match.

2) A sponge.

3) You ask each twin What would your brother say?. This works because.... Well let's say the correct path is on the left side. So, say you asked the liar "What would your brother say?" Well, the liar would know his brother was honest and he would say the left side, but since the liar lies, he would say right. If you asked the honest twin the same question, he would say right, because he knows his brother will lie. Therefore, you would know that the correct path was the left!

4) The recording played a gunshot inside it. If the man committed suicide, he wouldn't have been able to stop the recording after he pulled the trigger.

5) The kid filled a glass of water and held it over his head for 10 minutes.

6) A mask.

… and onward we go to The Saturday Funnies!

* * *

A TELLING COURTROOM SCENE

A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony, which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.

Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the claimant in a fight?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of it, you went to hide behind the bushes?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You further stated that during this time in hiding, you turned your back to the scene?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And then you testified that was when the defendant bit off the claimant's ear?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: Okay so if your back was turned to the fight then you obviously must have had the claimant and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?

Witness: Yes, correct.

Attorney: Well then, did you see the defendant bite off the claimant's ear?

Witness: No.

Attorney: (Smugly) Then how do you know that the defendant bit off the claimant's ear if you didn't see him do it?

Witness: I saw him spit it out.

Attorney: No more questions.

* * *

AN OLD SHOE REPAIR TICKET

Tom and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when they came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Tom asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Tom said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Tom called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time.”?

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday."

* * *

SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALODOCIOUS!

Now, we all know that Mahatma Gandhi didn't wear shoes when he walked, so he had rather large calluses on his feet.

He also did not eat much, making him rather frail, and due to his diet, his breath was unpleasant, to say the least.

He was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

* * *

TEACHER, WOULD YOU HELP ME PLEASE … “

Johnny asked his 1st grade teacher to help him get his shoes on at the end of the day.

After quite a struggle with the shoes, which were a little tight, the teacher finally got them on.

'They're on the wrong feet, mumbled Johnny.

She realizes that he is right; they are on the wrong feet. Staying calm, she swaps them for him.

'These aren't my shoes, Johnny murmurs again. She then kneels down again and helps him pull the shoes off.

'These are my brother's shoes, mom told me I could wear them today.

'The teacher, visibly upset helps him back into his shoes. She gets him into his coat and wraps his scarf round his neck.

'Where are your gloves, Johnny?' 'Oh, I always put them in my shoes!'

* * *

A GENIE WITH JUST ONE WISH

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “You released me from the lamp, but you only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women.... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy....

" The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

* * *

THIS WEEK’S VIDEOS

* -- In 1965, the play, “Man from La Mancha,” opened on Broadway in a run the lasted for 2,328 performances and won five Tony Awards. Seven years later – this 49 years ago! --- the hit movie opened with Peter O’Toole and Sofia Lauren. Nobody could have guessed the theme song would become such a stirring anthem for all who pursue a higher quest, and 4.3 million have watched this clip. CLICK HERE.

* -- Yogi Berra was a sportswriter’s dream. He was an 18-time All-Star and won 10 World Series championships as a player—more than any other player in MLB history. But he was also the undisputed king of malapropisms, where one misspeaks by using words which do not have the meaning that one intends but which sound similar to words that do.  CLICK HERE.

* -- I’m crazy about “The Piano Guys” and this rendition of the “This is Your Fight Song (Rachel Platten Scottish Cover)” maybe the best ever. Maybe that is why 42.7 million have watched this video. CLICK HERE.

* -- “Chariots of Fire” is a 1981 British historical drama that is based on the true story of two British athletes in the 1924 Olympics: Eric Liddell, a devout Scottish Christian who ran for the glory of God, and Harold Abrahams, an English Jew who ran to overcome prejudice. Over 12 million have watched this theme song. CLICK HERE.

* -- On January 21, 1980, an episode of the legendary television staple, M.A.S.H. (a mobile army surgical hospital crew during the Korean war) called for actor Harry Morgan "Colonel Sherman "T" Potter" to toast to his old buddies, his fallen comrades from a time before. That was all well and good until Morgan went off script and spoke from his heart. That’s right, his toast was totally ad-lib and, yes, you’ll need a Kleenex. Viewers? A million plus. CLICK HERE. 

* -- On April 3, 1973, the Southern rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd Band gave birth to the song “Freebird” in a studio in Doraville, Ga., and since, it has been in the top 25 of hard-rock songs of all time. The guitar rift by Allen Collins is regarded as No. 3 in history by Guitar World, as you’ll see from this tape at the Los Angeles Coliseum in 1977. It is all because one night Collins’ girlfriend asked him, "If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?" So far 37.5 million have watched this tape. CLICK HERE. 

Have a good week.

royexum@aol.com


President Biden Is Responsible For The Border Crisis

Roy Exum: College Is Changing

Another Iran Deal


President Biden is totally responsible for the crisis at the border. He said "Come on in" and they came by the thousands and thousands. They trusted his word. They walked miles and miles and ... (click for more)

Over the last few years, I have sensed America’s colleges are changing for the bad. Here is UTC with a reported 50 percent graduation rate and if you send a child to the University of Tennessee ... (click for more)

Hopefully President Biden will make nuclear deals with Iran and North Korea. However, it is equally to be hoped that he does not repeat the fatal flaw of the first Iran deal. It imposed a waiting ... (click for more)



Opinion

President Biden Is Responsible For The Border Crisis

President Biden is totally responsible for the crisis at the border. He said "Come on in" and they came by the thousands and thousands. They trusted his word. They walked miles and miles and endured all kinds of hardships and danger. The cartel brought small children, even toddlers and dumped them out to die. The children were frightened, hungry, dirty, some sick and some ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: College Is Changing

Over the last few years, I have sensed America’s colleges are changing for the bad. Here is UTC with a reported 50 percent graduation rate and if you send a child to the University of Tennessee it’s being told that if he matriculates for six years, there is a totally unacceptable graduation rate of 60 percent, this where a diploma makes you “a Vol for life.” Far, far worse, American ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Boyd Raises Issue Of Pinkston Raises To A Staff Member He Married And Hiring Her Brother; DA Says, "I Have Done Nothing Wrong"

County Commissioner Tim Boyd has questioned District Attorney Neal Pinkston on the issue of relatives in his office. He released an email he received that was critical of DA Pinkston giving allegedly excessive raises to a top staff member that he married and for hiring her brother. At budget hearings, he asked DA Pinkston whether he had any relatives on the county payroll. ... (click for more)

2 Killed, 1 Injured In Shooting Wednesday Night On Ridgeside Road

DeQuan Paris, 25, and LaRome Ridley, 20, were killed and a 29-year-old man was injured in a shooting on Ridgeside Road Wednesday evening. The two men who died are brothers. They have two other brothers. Their mother, Amanda Del “Rat” Paris, died last Dec. 3 at age 39. Chattanooga Police responded to the 3600 block of Ridgeside Road on a report of a person shot at approximately ... (click for more)

Sports

Villalobos And Carrera-Garcia Lead Red Wolves To 1-0 Start

USL League One announced on Monday the Team of the Week Presented by Cleer Audio for Week 5 of the 2021 regular season, with two of Chattanooga's players named to the 11 after the Red Wolves handed 2019 Champions North Texas SC their first home lose in nearly two years. José Carrera García, Chattanooga Red Wolves SC: It was an all-action display from the Chattanooga midfielder ... (click for more)

UTC's Weissenbach Earns First Team All-SoCon Softball Nod

After leading the team in multiple offensive categories, Chattanooga Mocs softball graduate outfielder Hayleigh Weissenbach has been named an All-Southern Conference First Team selection, the league office announced Wednesday afternoon. In addition to Weissenbach, junior infielder Emily Coltharp was named to the All-Southern Conference Second Team while freshman infielder ... (click for more)