Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, September 11, 2021 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

“A smile starts on the lips, a grin spreads to the eyes, a chuckle comes from the belly; but a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, overflows, and bubbles all around. — Carolyn Birmingham.

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GREAT ONE-LINERS ON DOGS

* -- At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?

* -- It was me, I let the dogs out!

* -- I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

* -- A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

My dogs don't even own bikes...

* -- Unless you're the lead dog on a dog sled team, the view never changes.

* -- Never trust a dog to watch your food.

* -- What idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor?

* -- Dogs care, cats care less.

* -- Dogs are best. Ever seen a seeing eye cat?

* -- Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Darn, I forgot to feed the dog."

*-- As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused", then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

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IS THIS WHAT YOU MEANT TO SAY?

Clarification of statement concerning guidelines and recommendations.

* -- his statement supersedes the previous statement on this issue based on recommendations from various sources deemed to be consistent with previous guidelines and having the authority to issue said guidance.

* -- As a result of detailed reviews by contributors to our ongoing policy directives, this statement will constitute the final instruction on the subject, contingent on the approval of the content as long as the content does not violate current law and is consistent with previous directives.

* -- Should guidelines, directives or mandates fail to be reviewed and approved within the current procedures, they shall be deemed to be unreliable and unenforceable. This statement has been approved for publication. We hope this clarifies the previous statement on this matter.

* -- Direct Quote: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” (Attributed to Robert McCloskey, U.S. State Department spokesman, March 1984.)

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Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. (Dalai Lama)

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FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

1. A crash at 30 mph is not twice as bad as 15mph, it’s 4x as bad. Similarly, a crash at 60 mph is 16x as bad. This is because kinetic energy is proportional to squared velocity. Explained: The dangers of speeding are worse than you might expect, and, on the same note, your odds of surviving a crash increase greatly at lower speeds. This is because kinetic energy is proportional to velocity2. So, when you double your speed, you quadruple your kinetic energy. When your car speeds up, it converts chemical energy (in the gas or battery) to kinetic energy. The car and your body gain kinetic energy. All that energy needs to go somewhere, be it heat (from braking) or permanent deformation of the body. Generally, you want that deformation to be in the car, and not in you, and you want to slow down gradually.

2. If your Apple device doesn’t bring you to your WiFi login website page (such as at the airport or school), you can type captive.apple.com and it’ll bring it up. Sometimes your Apple device doesn’t bring up the WiFi login portal.

3. There is a way you can opt out of pre-approved credit card offers to significantly reduce your junk mail. If you are sick of receiving pre-approved credit card and personal loan offers, then there is an easy online tool that will prevent these companies from being able to send you these daily/weekly advertisements. You can find this tool online by running a search for OptOutPrescreen. The tool gives you the option to permanently block these offers or to block them for a period of five years. It also appears that if you select either option you are able to opt back in at any time. You should also know a few things before making this decision: Blocking these offers could cause you to miss out on promotional offers that are only offered through the mail. There are phishing scams with similarly named websites that try to steal your information. Make sure you research on your own the legitimacy of this tool and understand the risks involved with sharing your personal information online.

4. A lot of newer cars have a ‘soft’ turn signal for lane switching and other short-term direction change notifications. The ‘soft’ signal is when you pull the turn signal before it clicks and it blinks just a few times (versus when you pull the lever fully you need to turn for it to stop). Signals are really helpful to alert other cars and pedestrians that you’re going to change direction, which helps mitigate accidents.

5. There is a file called rockyou.txt that contains the most common passwords in the world. If your password is on it, you should change it asap. Origins of the file: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RockYou#Data_breach. Link to download the text file (133 MB): https://github.com/brannondorsey/naive-hashcat/releases/download/data/rockyou.txt

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THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- Candid Camera Classic: Over-Regulated CLICK HERE.

* -- Candid Camera Classic: Bridal Gown Frown CLICK HERE.

* -- Linda Eder - What I Did For Love (A Chorus Line) - Hallelujah Broadway CLICK HERE.

* -- ABBA - DON'T SHUT ME DOWN (New Single 2021) Over 2.6 million have watched this new cut from the group Abba. CLICK HERE.

* -- Motivating!! Remember The Titans Scene: Leave No Doubt CLICK HERE.

* -- Classic! ‘A Song For You’ - Willie Nelson, Ray Charles, Leon Russell CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


Senator Blackburn: The Biden Administration Is Failing Tennesseans

Make Sept. 11 A National Holiday

Thanks For Bringing Back Ben Haden's Changed Lives


For the better part of a year, Tennesseans have watched the Biden administration create a divide between the White House and the American people. According to the inhabitants of 1600 Pennsylvania ... (click for more)

We as Americans came together as one on those tragic and frightening days following the Islamic Terrorist strike against the United States of America. On September 11, 2001, 19 Islamic ... (click for more)

I was delighted to hear the late Ben Haden and the outstanding “Changed Lives“ broadcast Sunday night at 8:30 on Chattanooga’s new Christian Talk Radio Station, WUIE…105.1 FM. Thank you ... (click for more)



Opinion

Senator Blackburn: The Biden Administration Is Failing Tennesseans

For the better part of a year, Tennesseans have watched the Biden administration create a divide between the White House and the American people. According to the inhabitants of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., America is thriving under their leadership; but this tale, manufactured by Democratic strategists, couldn't be further from the truth. American families know the administration's ... (click for more)

Make Sept. 11 A National Holiday

We as Americans came together as one on those tragic and frightening days following the Islamic Terrorist strike against the United States of America. On September 11, 2001, 19 Islamic Terrorists hijacked four commercial airliners. American Airlines Flight 11, a Boeing 767, had a crew of 11 and 76 passengers. This was the first aircraft to strike the Twin Towers. This ... (click for more)

Breaking News

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Prosecutor Says Janet Hinds Was Drunk Driver Who Failed To Stop After Hitting Rookie Police Officer; Defense Says "Perfect Storm" Of Mistakes Led To Nicholas Galinger Death

Prosecutor Cameron Williams, addressing a jury from Nashville in the case involving the traffic death of Chattanooga Police rookie Nicholas Galinger, characterized Janet Hinds as a drunk driver who had five drinks that night before driving back home. He said she made no effort to stop, and waited days to turn herself in. He said the injuries were catastrophic, and that officers ... (click for more)

Sports

CFC Draws With San Diego As Game Ends (And Restarts) With Controversy

The whistle blew three times. The supporters were outraged, the players were frustrated, coaches were furious, and what appeared to be a Chattanooga FC 1-0 victory was now a 1-1 draw with San Diego. Officials had clearly indicated the game was over—the only issue being that they declared an end while there were four minutes of stoppage time left to be played. And so ... (click for more)

Red Wolves Win 3-1 Over Visiting North Carolina FC

The Red Wolves welcomed North Carolina FC to CHI Memorial Stadium, the den, Saturday night looking to get back to winning ways. In a shift to the starting XI, the Red Wolves changed it up by bringing in Ronaldo Pineda to play at right back with Jonathan Ricketts shifted out to the left. The first half started out with both sides growing into the game well, but neither side managed ... (click for more)