“Be happy and before long, the Lord will give you a reason why.”
* * *
As most know, the funnies are not created by me but are shared in the emails that arrive each week. One delightful soul, let’s call him Joe, is unrivaled at the funniest jokes he shares week after week and look at the joy he shared this week. Some one-liners …
* -- I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
* -- If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
* -- I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid.
* -- Which way did they go, how many were there, I've got to find them, I'm their leader.
* -- If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.
* -- There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
* -- Elect a Clown, expect a Circus.
* * *
HERE ARE SOME FUN RIDDLES TO USE BEFORE SUNDAY SCHOOL
Q1: Fives apples are in a basket. How do you divide them among five girls so that each girl gets an apple, but one apple remains in the basket?
Q2: Tuesday, Sam and Peter went to a restaurant to eat lunch. Neither Sam nor Peter paid the bill, but it was paid, so who paid it?
Q3: In 1990, a person is 15 years old. In 1995, that same person is 10 years old. How can that be?
Q4. Two men are playing chess. They play five games. Each man wins three games. How is that possible?
Q5. A girl was ten on her last birthday and will be twelve on her next birthday. How is this possible?
Q6. Why do Chinese men eat more rice than Japanese men?
* * *
A LETTER COMES FOME FROM COLLEGE
Dear Mom and Dad,
I guess you heard by now that the dorm burned.
We were all in the basement smoking pot, and I guess somehow we set the dorm on fire.
But no one was hurt, and we got most of our belongings out in time.
Oh, and I'm getting married soon. You see, I have to, because I'm going to have a baby...
You'll meet Bruno soon, he has lots of tattoos, he's got a really swell Harley and is in a motorcycle club...
Actually... I'm not pregnant, and I don't even know anyone named Bruno... and I'm not going to get married.
There was no fire, and I wouldn't know what to do with pot... but I did flunk chemistry, and I just wanted you to be able to put it into perspective!
* * *
THE ANSWERS TO THE RIDDLES
A1: Give four girls an apple and one girl the basket with an apple in it.
A2: Their friend, Tuesday.
A3: The person was born in 2005 BC
A4. They aren't playing each other.
A5. Today is her eleventh birthday
A6. There are more Chinese men than Japanese men.
* * *
THE WISDOM OF THE REPAIR SHOP
When a guy's printer began to make noise, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably just needed to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied.
"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves."
* * *
A FUN IDEA WHEN YOU GET A SPEEDING TICKER
Late one night this guy is speeding down the empty road.
A cop sees him go flying past, chases him and pulls him over.
The cop goes up to the car and when the man rolls down the window, he asks, “Are you aware of how fast you were going, sir?”
The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”
The cop looks at him disbelievingly and asks him, “Were you the one being robbed, sir?”
The man casually replies, “Oh no, I was the one who committed the robbery. I was escaping.”
The cop is shocked and surprised that the man has admitted this so freely.
He says, “So you’re telling me you were speeding…and you committed a robbery?”
“Oh yes,” replies the man calmly. “I have all the loot in the trunk.”
The cop is now starting to get angry and says, “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me” as he reaches into the window to take the car keys out of the ignition.
The man shouts, “Don’t do that! I’m afraid that you’ll find the gun in my glove compartment!”
At this the cop pulls his hand out of the window and says, “Wait here” as he returns to his car and calls for backup.
Soon there are cars, cops, and helicopters all over, everywhere you look.
The man is quickly dragged out of his car, handcuffed, and taken toward a cop car.
However, just before he is put in the car and taken away a cop walks up to him and says, “Sir, this officer tells us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment.
“However, there has been no robbery and we didn’t find any of these things in your car.”
The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
* * *
THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
* -- CANDID CAMERA CLASSIC: The App Salesman CLICK HERE.
* -- CANDID CAMERA CLASSIC: The Green Kid CLICK HERE.
* -- CANDID CAMERA CLASSIC: Guardian angel CLICK HERE.