Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, May 14, 2022 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

HENNY YOUNGMAN QUOTES

* -- "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

* -- I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past three.

* -- A drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

* -- A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

* -- If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

* -- When I go to a restaurant I always tell the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

* -- I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.

He told me to quit going to those places. Problem solved.

* * *

THAT WILL TEACH THE CATS

Three pastors in the South were having lunch. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with squirrels in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything - noise, spray, cats -nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got several living in my attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one since!"

* * *

A LESSON LEARNED?

In Sunday School, the children were learning about how God created everything, including people. One little boy was especially interested in the part where God created Eve out of Adam's rib.

Later that week, his mother saw him lying on the sofa, looking ill.

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

* * *

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN?

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Leave this pub right now and wait for me at the church on the corner!"

He then approached a second man. Father Murphy asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan and wait for me at the church on the corner!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes I do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

* * *

GENUINE ALLIGATOR SHOES

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, with a gun in her hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled mightily and managed to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration: “Heck! This one is barefoot too!”

* * *

THIS MAY BE IMPOSSIBLE

Keep your eye on the ball, your shoulder to the wheel, your nose to the grindstone and your head in the game. Now try to work in that position.

THE THIRD DEGREE

"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police captain asked the detective.

"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question and made every threat we could think of."

"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant.

"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear' and he'd doze off."

*  * *

THIS WEEK’S ONE-LINERS

* -- People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

* -- Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

* -- I’m not bossy, I simply know exactly what you should be doing.

* -- If your teenagers want to learn how to drive, don't stand in their way.

* -- If I said I'll fix it, I'll fix it. No need to nag me every six months.

* -- Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words in a sentence with the names of musical instruments, often goes undetected.

* -- I have kleptomania, when it gets bad, I take something for it.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- A Walk in the Clouds – Love is Unbreakable CLICK HERE.

* -- Lady Gaga - Hold My Hand (From “Top Gun: Maverick”) [Official Music Video] CLICK HERE.

* --  Amazing Grace ft. Wintley Phipps (Live) CLICK HERE.

* -- Tuba Skinny -"Just A Closer Walk" CLICK HERE.

* -- Barry White – Can’t Get Enough Of You Love Babe (Remix) CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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Opinion

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