Roy Exum
THE TWO FARMERS
Farmers Brown & Jones had adjoining farms for years and didn't get along at all.
One night after supper, Farmer Brown knocked on Farmer Jones's door. When Farmer Jones answered the door, Farmer Brown said, "I know we don't talk often, but I wanted you to know that our mule just died today."
Farmer Jones replied, "I'm certainly sorry to hear that, but I am wondering why you came over here to tell me?"
"Because," Farmer Brown said, "you're always supposed to notify the next of kin."
* * *
‘LET ME TALK TO THE HALF-WIT’
A man owned a small ranch in Montana.
The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher.
* * *
SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS
-- When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams?
-- Vegetarian: Native American name for lousy hunter
-- I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
-- There are 12 things employees do when they haven't completed a job. They lie, tell stories and exaggerate.
-- Ninety-nine percent of Senators give the rest a bad name.
-- An asteroid 1,200 light years away has a 0.06% chance of colliding with the Earth, and you're walking around like everything is fine.
-- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. I couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
-- I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-- I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious!
-- If A is for Apple and B is for Banana what is C for? Plastic explosives.
* * *
THE EXPENSIVE SUIT
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle pale stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank bill. “There’s no charge,” he says.
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” the woman says.
“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “It cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.”
* * *
THREE ENGINEERS
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops in the middle of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests the computer or electrical system might have a problem.
The chemical engineer suggests that maybe the fuel is contaminated or the flow is blocked.
Then, the Microsoft engineer comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again? That's what I've been trained to do"
* * *
THE WRONG BET
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a small scroll in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
* * *
‘IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU’
A tired pastor was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed like a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking pastor's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."
* * *
WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find another pilot."
* * *
MORE FROM HENNY YOUNGMAN
-- Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
-- My mother-in-law is so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
-- She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
-- I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
-- I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.
-- Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
* * *
THIS WEEK’S TOP VIDEOS
* -- Candid Camera Classic: Shopping From Strangers' Carts! CLICK HERE.
* -- André Rieu - You'll Never Walk Alone CLICK HERE.
* -- Candid Camera Classic: Drone Delivery CLICK HERE.
* -- "Battle Hymn of the Republic" w/ the Mormon Tabernacle Choir LIVE from West Point CLICK HERE.
* -- Candid Camera Classic: 5 MPH Limit! CLICK HERE.
* -- Candid Camera Classic: Daylight Crazy Time! CLICK HERE.
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