Boomers, do you keep all your thoughts and feelings locked up inside until you feel like exploding? Psychologists tell us bottling up our emotions can cause depression and anxiety. It can even cause you physical stress.
I’m a positive person, notoriously cheerful, which annoys some people, although most appreciate that about me. But I wasn’t always this way. I suffered serious episodes of depression in my younger years. Before I could become the person I am now, I had to learn the reason behind my emotional plummets.
Growing up in a large family with a domineering, no-nonsense father, and being the eager-to-please eldest child, I learned early not to say what was on my mind.
Dad: “You should have been watching your little brother more carefully so he wouldn’t fall.”
My mental argument: “I can’t watch him every second.” I said, “I’m sorry.”
When I was 19 years old Dad said, “There’s no excuse for not being at the supper table on time while you’re gallivanting with your boyfriend.”
My mind told him off— “My fiancé was crying because his father gave him a hard time about us getting married.
Seems to me it was more important to talk with him than to rush home to dinner.”
But I said, “I’m sorry Dad.”
The pattern of clamming up instead of speaking my mind was well-established and followed me into my first marriage. When my new husband scolded me for calling his mother crying because he hadn’t come home by 2:00 A.M., I meekly apologetic for jumping to the conclusion that he was in a ditch somewhere.
Even at work, when my boss verbally abused me, I didn’t fight back. My mind screamed opinions that my voice never uttered. I felt trapped inside my head.
I was in my 30s when I went through a prolonged bout of depression. I began taking an anti-depressant and seeing a psychologist.
I had trouble verbalizing my thoughts to the doctor, so she encouraged me to write them down. At first I couldn’t look at her while she read what I’d written. After a while I became comfortable reading my scribblings aloud. And eventually I was able to speak the words instead of writing them.
During counseling I learned my depression was due to unexpressed feelings. The hard part came next; getting past the fear of telling boss, husband, or friend when I felt angry or hurt.
My therapist posed the question; “What is the worst thing that could happen if you said what you thought?”
I didn’t know. I only knew that saying what was on my mind was terrifying.
The fear started when I was young, of course. When we’re children, we’re vulnerable and we have little control over our environment. Some of us are eager to please the authority figures in our lives and work hard to disguise negative feelings. For others, it’s a matter of self-preservation.
Through role playing in the safety of a counseling office, I began to change. I was instructed to imagine the worst that could happen if I spoke my mind.
“If your boss verbally abuses you and you calmly tell her you don’t appreciate being yelled at, what is the worst that could happen?”
“I could get fired.”
“If you got fired, would you starve to death?”
I laughed, “No, my husband has a good job. And I’d get another one.”
Playing the “What’s the worst that could happen” game put my fears in perspective.
It’s been 40 years since my last depressive episode. On the rare occasions I feel upset, I share how I’m feeling in a calm manner, then return to being the cheerful person I was meant to be.
There are times to be silent, of course. Sometimes you cannot or should not tell a boss or co-worker how you feel. Also, if you are living with someone with dementia or cognitive challenges, expressing your feelings may not help the situation or will worsen it. I suggest you share your feelings with a trusted friend or clergy instead.
When you have a simple case of the blues—which most of us experience at times—these things will help:
Exercise
Prayer or Meditation
Light therapy
Laughter
Music
Healthy diet
There are reasons for depression other than what I experienced; such as loss, illness, and isolation. When a sense of sadness or emptiness lasts for weeks, I encourage you to seek help. You don’t have to suffer in silence.