Best of Grizzard- Dentists

  • Tuesday, February 20, 2024
  • Jerry Summers

In a previous article, author Lewis Grizzard (LG) wrote about the recruiting campaign by three dental drillers allegedly wanting him to run for Mayor of Atlanta.

LG realizing that they were not sincere in their alleged support of him as a politician he filled his poison pen and wrote an expose with the article title of “The Truth About Dentists.”

It is contained in “Won’t You Come Home, Billy Bob Bailey” (1980- Peachtree Publishers).

In an effort to avoid any personal criticism from the Choo Choo Dental Conglomerate a disclaimer from LG’s caustic remarks is necessary.

(His prelude to said article contains a rather sinister descriptive passage that mandates such action be taken!)

“Nearly every society has had its element of cruel and sadistic monsters, preying on the helpless and innocent. We call ours ‘dentists’”.

----

LG proceeds to castigate the honorable profession and since I have a $5.00 dental appointment in March 2024, I wish to make it absolutely clear to my guy with the long needle that I do not support the Sage of Moreland’s caustic remarks that follow:

“Get ready for this, because I don't want you to be caught off guard. The American Dental Association has launched a new propaganda scheme aimed at people who will do anything to stay out of a dentist's office-people like me.

We are no small group. According to its own figures, the ADA says only half the population goes to the dentist each year.

The purpose of its scheme is to get the other 50 percent strapped into that chair so the dentist can scrape and pull and drill and make the poor suckers hurt and bleed and then charge them for his trouble.

The scheme includes sending out ADA "ambassadors" all over the country to tell you incredible lies, such as, it doesn't hurt to go to the dentist anymore.

One of those "ambassadors" is a lady dentist named Dr. SR, of Allentown, Pennsylvania. I read a newspaper account of some of the baloney she is peddling. Get a load of this song and dance. According to Dr. SR:

1. Dentists offices now offer a more pleasant environment than before.

2. Dentists are now more aware of their patients' feelings.

3. Dental equipment has been improved. If you ask for one, a dentist will provide a cost estimate before he starts excavating in your mouth.

Big deal. So dentists have put in Muzak and hung a few pictures, and now you can find out about their outrageous prices ahead of time.

What the ADA wants to do is to double root-canal sales, and I, for one, will not be fooled by its would-be clever trick. Do not listen to the ADA, America. Listen to your Uncle Lewis, who knows all there is to know about dentists, because he was held prisoner by one until he was old enough to escape without parental consent. The truth about dentists-clip and save:

1. Of course, it still hurts to go to the dentist, because dentists WANT it to hurt. They like to watch you squirm, they like to hear your muffled cries of agony, they like to fill your mouth with cotton and then ask you, So who do you like Monday night? The Cowboys or the Steelers?

2. Dental equipment will be improved only when the heinous drill is totally silent, has a rubber tip, and tickles, rather than feels like someone has taken to your mouth with the first cousin to a jackhammer.

3. When a dentist says, "This may sting a little," he really means, "How high can you jump?"

4. Oral Roberts University is not a school of dentistry. Beware any dentist whose nickname is "Mad Dog" or "Nick the Grinder.

5. Beware any dentist with a nervous twitch.

6. Beware any dentist who is missing one or more fingers.

7. Beware any dentist who is wearing an inordinate amount of leather and whose chair has straps.

8. Beware dating dental assistants. They kiss with their teeth, and floss in public.

9. Despite what the American Dental Association says, there are worse things than having all your teeth rot out.

10. I would gladly list a couple, but it’s late and I have to go gum dinner.”

(Choo Choo City has been fortunate to have many highly qualified and creative practitioners of the art of dentistry. One late icon had a unique talent of being more proficient by saving time with his procedure of placing his multiple instruments on the bosoms of attractive patients while they were in the dental chair.)

* * *

You can reach Jerry Summers at jsummers@summersfirm.com

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