Argument settled: The 15-Minute City is happening. Pro talking points from Chattanooga officials have been disseminated and researched by the Legion of Doom Think Tank. Their findings are perplexing to most who are not sitting, walking in circles or strapped to a gurney:
Our findings are as follows:
The number one goal is to get cars off the road.
The number two goal for a 15-minute city is to reduce obesity and get people walking and riding bikes, which will reduce greenhouse gasses, according to planners.
One added benefit of these actions will be less eating in general. They know carrying groceries back to your home on a bike or walking on foot is difficult —this should also help bring down food inflation.
Wise visionaries are working to ensure that young people have a zest for living — those brave inner-city dwellers who want to go bar-hoping on bikes from sunset to sunrise should have plenty of confidence in making that dream a reality. Have you heard the term “drunk as a bicycle?” No worries. The city is planning on raising the blood alcohol level so bicyclists will have an incentive to get wild. However, drivers of cars involved in biking incidents will be prosecuted to the letter of the law for any accident that may occur, leading to big windfalls for lawyers, hospitals, and insurers, ensuring the plan will pass.
For anyone too obese or too old to bike or walk — that would be 79 percent of the public — a rickshaw will be made available to those residents for a reasonable fee. The rickshaws are to be operated by college graduates only. They will be thoroughly vetted and tested. The biggest test for these pullers, sometimes called “human horses,” is that they can sprint 100 yards in less than 10.2 seconds. Studies have shown that these quick-footed individuals can help avoid street gangs. Rickshaw jacking is a concern. Both puller and passenger will be required to wear bulletproof jackets. Guns will not be allowed on passengers or within a rickshaw. Armored rickshaws are in the planning stage. A $1,000,000 feasibility study was awarded recently to the Shanghai, China Historical Society on how the city should proceed.
The comprehensive study will look into the back pain of pullers and whether wooden wheels are better for the environment than synthetic rubber wheels. Pullers, or rickshaw drivers, will require rest every three minutes. In extreme cold, hot or wet weather, pullers will require rest every two minutes. (Past studies have shown you can expect extreme weather 97 percent of the time in the Chattanooga area) Also, after 15 minutes, if the passenger has not reached their destination, they will be required to walk the rest of the way. Rickshaw pullers must stay within their assigned locale.
City officials understand the concept of 15-Minute Cities will create pushback: Cries about unoriginal planning, untested traffic consequences and controversies about micromanaging bureaucrats spying on the public — are anticipated. Therefore, officials will create incentives to make you feel walking and riding a bike is better than driving a car.
They plan to increase traffic and create longer waits at traffic lights — so you’ll see more signs in these high-traffic zones to entertain and educate frustrated drivers. Billboards like “Welcome to Gig City” and “Bicycles, Helmets and Knee Pads for Sale,” as well as “Apartments Now For Lease,” “Mental Health Fitness Counseling," “Orthopedic Surgeries” and “Park and Ride” signs are planned in these areas. Anticipate slower speed limits at these locations also. There will be no speed limits on bicycles.
Cameras will be placed on every corner to ensure your safety as you walk or bike to your destination. You can request, for a fee, your image from the city. These images will be copyright-free for social media postings, where you can photoshop sweat beads from foreheads or make waistlines thinner. Bust lines on females will automatically be enhanced.
These ideas are coming in fast and furious from the brightest minds in our midst. Chattanooga has a great future for those athletic enough to survive it.
I take full responsibility for all the false concepts, which are many, in this bombastic article. Also, I take full credit for any insights that may invoke clarity, through parody, on our city’s direction. Because I think, deep down, these 15-Minute City plans are as sketchy as online dating sites. (Great for a few, but not for the many)
Stacey Alexander