“The two most significant modern inventions of the last century are indoor plumbing and air conditioning.” - My Old Man’s wisdom
April is an unusually welcome month in a great many respects. Frost is dead. The garden is ready. The fish are in the shallows and the turkeys are talkative. Firewood is forgotten for a while, and the new green is upon us. There’s still time to put a little sharpe on the bush hog blades.
But, April also sadly brings a few minor, but nagging, aspects as well. The almighty Eagle swoops down on the 15th of the month, stealing yet more of your hard earned disposable income, once again. This sad fact can ruin all of the positive aspects of April listed above if you manage to let it eat at you too long.
Paying the glorious Eagle and the Congressional and Senatorial miss-managers, surely can get you down in a hole, if you dwell on it for any length of time. Your measure of wealth can get badly skewed this time of year.
There was a time when I was more than happy with a good dog, a strong wife, a side by side double barrel and a full box of #8’s. Waders that didn’t leak, a five weight fly rod, and a small boat that didn’t leak any faster than I could bail it out with a Maxwell House coffee can. A steady horse that never needed to rodeo, or crow hop, at every snake it ran across.
How does a dog drinking out of a toilet indicate one’s wealth you ask? I humbly submit that my Old Man was on to something when you obtain indoor plumbing in your brief existence. You’ve become a wealthy man in most accounts.
If you’ve managed air conditioning on a hot and sticky night in August, you’re a rich man by most estimates. A small slice of the ever elusive American Dream, these twin genius inventions.
April also allows us to get a glimpse of how the other 1% lives. Those neo-slave masters down in Augusta, the ones that proudly sport the lime jello green tailored jackets and the nifty little bow ties, so graciously invite us poor folks to witness what we’re really missing from the rest of the American Pie.
Every April, without fail, these egalitarian good old boys grudgingly open their normally locked gates and invite both trailer and up-scale white trash to frolic in their overly manicured botanical theme park and pimento cheese sandwich stand.
Once a year, the slave masters let in for a nominal fee, the trash, the poor wannabes, wearing pastel shirts and loud hats. Allowed where they are expected to ooh and awe over a bunch of experts as they struggle with the fascinating game of stick and ball.
We poor folks get to marvel at professionals strutting through the manicure. Dressed like low key billboards for stick and ball advertising giants, as they try to putt little balls in little holes,18 holes at a time.
The trashy crowd oohs and awes and constantly claps approval until they’re exhausted, gasping for joy as little balls fall in little holes.
By the way, the best at putting the balls in the holes, gets to go home with better than $4,000,000.00.
One neat side attraction to this April spectacle of wealth, is that there is this one trashy goober, at every tee box, who screams at the top of his lungs, “IN THE HOLE!”
Every tee shot! Who exactly is this moron? Does he actually think that the ball has ears? Could he really believe that he can scream “IN THE HOLE” and will a ball to listen? Could he be this stupid? Do you think he has a wife some where? If he really has a wife, can you imagine that conversation when the lights are turned off? Surely Not! Definitely Not!
Never forget this when you find yourself frolicking with egalitarian elites. Let’s say you’ve parked yourself on the 18th green and after a couple of hours of clapping joyfully, eating two pimento sandwiches, washed down by a couple of $6.00 cold ones, you’re hit with the urge to lay a heavy wolf bait. The slave masters won’t let you just saunter into the od club house to do your business. No, you have to use one of their, designated only for the poor pastel clad, wearing a loud hat, stinky outhouses.
April also rewards us with faith. The richness of faith that comes from Easter. This is truly a gift of renewal, of wealth, a gift of unimaginable renewal and rebirth, re-greened like the mountains.
My hope is your dog appreciates the wealth you’ve accumulated. I guess I really think we’re all extremely rich when the fish are in the shallow and the turkeys are calling, when the earth turns that April shade of green again. Wealth can be a strange concept at times. Don’t let it get you down.
April is a best time to reflect on things. Things like faith, what wealth really consists of, and the goodness spawned by another spring renewal.
I’m still a bit mystified about exactly what the trashy guy, who screams “IN THE HOLE” 40 to 50 times a day is really thinking when he screams “IN THE HOLE”! Maybe you know this clown. If you do in fact know this goober, let me know what he’s really thinking.
Meanwhile, it’s time to spray a little Deet on the lower extremities and shoulder the vest full of 10 gauge shells.
Here’s a happy April to you, and the same, to your thirsty dog. You’ve made it my friend.
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