Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, September 15, 2018

My dear friend Larry just sent a note that today, Sept.15, we still have a week of summer on the calendar, tropical storm season is well underway and … Walmart just put out Christmas trees for sale. That is definitely a morsel to be included in this week’s collection of The Saturday Funnies because I love some in this batch.

As always, please know I did not write these funnies but gleaned them from the pile of happiness that is included in my daily emails.

Incidentally, do you remember those wackos at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington, who staged a protest in May of 2017 called “The Day of Absence?” The organizers asked all white people to leave the campus for a day. Well, the dandies got their wish. Student enrollment is down a stunning 50 percent since last year, there were only 300 incoming freshmen, and to add to the catastrophe, the revelation the college used taxpayer money to travel 175 miles for a farm protest has created an enraged legislature.

With that, here are this week’s chuckles:

* * *


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.  All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence." 

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked. (Remember this: Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.)

* * *


A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers, though."

* * *


So I was sitting in the dentist’s office when over the TV came news of Aretha Franklin and I was deeply moved when this frail elderly woman next to me began to pray: "Dear Lord: The last four or five years have been very tough. You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman; my favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor; my favorite singer - Andy Williams; my favorite author -Tom Clancy; my favorite comedians - Robin Williams and Joan Rivers; and now Aretha Franklin whose songs stirred my soul my entire life.

“Lord, I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are …

“Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Maxine Waters, Elizabeth Warren and Harry Reid … and I also have a special place in my heart for George Soros, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and Rahm Emanuel.


* * *


While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a hog, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

* * * 

The Korean War, in which the U.S. Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.

During one horrific battle an ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was  fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his  sector. 

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked General Puller. 

"Many, many, many, many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean Officer. 

General Puller asked for another count and got the same answer, "Many, many, many, many Chinese!"

Puller demanded, "Put my Marine Liaison Officer on the radio." 

 "Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "Exactly how many Chinese you got up there?" 

“General, we've got a whole (expletive, followed by another expletive) of Chinese up here! 

"Thank God!"  exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count!"

* * *


The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped.

The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted.

The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The Minister, his face visibly pale, asked the woman, "Can you tell us … why you came forward?

What do you have to say?”

There was absolute silence in the church until the beautiful woman with her sleeping infant replied,

"We can't hear in the back."

* * *

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