The sweltering heat of the summer of 2024 necessitates a return to the past to heed the words of the expert weather forecaster- Lewis Grizzard (LG).
In his 1991 best seller “You Can’t Put No Boogie Woogie on the King of Rock and Roll” (Villard Books- New York) the humorist disputed such eternal words of wisdom on how to “beat the heat” that is necessary to make the topic a two part series.
Under a subtitle of “Keeping Your Cool In the Good Old Summer Time” LG demonstrated his ability to compete with the weather forecasters on local and national television channels:
Don't Go Outside: This is the most common mistake people make when there is a heat wave. They go outside. That's where it's hot, you ninny. Inside, there's air-conditioning and ice and shade. Out- side, you can't breathe and you'll sweat and start to smell bad. But you say, "I have to go outside in order to get to work." That's another thing. Avoid work. The only things that work in hot weather are mules and fools. Call in hot.
Don't Wear Any Underwear: This will enable you to avoid one of the really unpleasant circumstances that can occur during a heat wave. You can get what is commonly known as boxer bundle. The hotter it gets, the more your boxers will want to ride up. And before you know it, your boxers will be in a tiny wad and might even have to be removed surgically.
Avoid Hot Weather Clichés: This won't make you any cooler temperature-wise, but it will make you cooler as in, "That guy's really cool. Look at his six-hundred-fifty-dollar sneak- ers." Some examples of hot weather clichés to avoid:
1. "Hot enough for you?"
2. "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" say
a. “Gonna be a scorcher today.”
b. “Hot ain’t it?”
(Longer solutions to the fiery furnace temperatures in the month of August will follow in part 2.)
----
If you have additional information about one of Mr. Summers' articles or have suggestions or ideas about a future Chattanooga area historical piece, please contact him at jsummers@summersfirm.com)
Jerry Summers