The overwhelming response to the first installment of Lewis Grizzard Jr.’s (1947-1994) article under the above title has mandated that additional political planks in the literary history of the proud Georgia Bulldog from those previously published in Chattanoogan.com (August 19, 2025) if he became president of the United States follows:
DEFENSE: Stay strong. I don't trust anybody.
QUOTAS: No, but I do wonder why there aren't more black hockey players and so few Jewish country-music singers.
THE ENVIRONMENT: Put a tent over Los Angeles so whatever it is they breathe out there doesn't spread to the rest of the country. Close New Jersey. Protect the water. If there is any way to save a tree when bulldozing for a new condominium complex, do it, but don't spend a lot of money trying to save the snail darter. Move the ozone layer over Chicago so the people who live there can warm up for once in their lives. Leave the fishermen alone. We can always eat baloney if we run out of fish.
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: I'm for it. Not a single person ever executed for murder committed another one.
PRAYER IN THE SCHOOLS: Bring it back. Just don't paddle a kid for kicking another kid in the shins while the prayer is going on. I wonder if my fifth-grade teacher, Mrs. Covin, still remembers that incident?
ALL-MALE GOLF CLUBS: Yes, yes!
ALL-FEMALE GOLF CLUBS: The holes would be too short for a long hitter like me, so go right ahead, ladies.
ALL-ANYTHING-ELSE COUNTRY CLUBS: I'm big on the right to privacy.
THE HIGH COST OF HEALTH CARE: Just try not to get sick until somebody thinks of something.
BUMPER STICKER I'M GOING TO PUT ON MY CAR: NUKE THE GAY WHALES FOR JESUS.
(Has it really been 33 years since LG wrote his biased, prejudicial, red neck dribble? Seems like 2025!)
PS: This second installment following Lewis’s initial contribution was also prepared at the same time as the original. Developments in the areas of alleged abuses by members of the regional planning commission, City of Chattanooga governments, and Hamilton County Commission members will provide ample political fodder for the 2026 elections.
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If you have additional information about one of Mr. Summers' articles or have suggestions or ideas about a future Chattanooga area historical piece, please contact him at jsummers@summersfirm.com)
Jerry Summers