Every Saturday I print the “Saturday Funnies,” and want to make sure people understand I did not write these stories but they are sent to me by dozens of people during the week. I never want to waste a laugh. So let’s open with the Talking Irish Clock:
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new Apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's an Irish talking clock,' the drunk replied. His astonished friend asked, ‘Really, a talking clock? Seriously?'
'Yup, that it is' replied the drunk. 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
‘You idiot!! It's 3:15 in the morning!'
* * *
WHY WE SHOULD DRAFT OLD PEOPLE TO FIGHT WARS
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year old’s off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some (expletive) that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the matters? Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too; I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million real mad old guys with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
And, hey, how about this? How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause! You think men have attitudes? Oh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
* * *
WHY ITALIAN MEN LIVE VERY LONG LIVES
Luigi Baccala, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
“I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Luigi, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a shot of Amaretto, a glass of vino, and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Luigi. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a shot of Amaretto, a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the 80-year-old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?
* * *
THE NEXT TIME YOU SAY SOMETHING STUPID, REMEMBER THESE …
* -- On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995:
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
* -- "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey
* -- "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
* -- “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," – Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
* -- “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
* -- “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -A congressional candidate in Texas.
* -- "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
* -- "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
* -- "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." – Vice President Dan Quayle
* -- "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
* -- "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
* -- "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
* -- “Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
* -- "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
* -- “If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
* * *
DO YOU KNOW WHAT A CONUNDRUM IS?
"A gun is like a parachute. If you need one, and don't have one. You'll probably never need one again." The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing.
Here are six Conundrums of Socialism in the USA:
1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.
2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.
3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.
4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.
5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other Countries only dream about.
6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about - Yet they want America to be more like those other countries.
Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century
Makes you wonder who is doing the math. By the way.
1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, But we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Funny how that works. And here's another one worth considering.
2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. But we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money? What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.
Think about it. Last but not least:
3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army back, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens.
Am I the only one missing something?