Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 20, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

The reviews are good after we initiated “The Funny Video of the Week” but today let me take the liberty of sharing an oldie that I consider the funniest of all time. Please be aware the principals are speaking Polish, which you also need to know makes not a bit of difference. I have watched “The Polish Spoon Trick” at least 50 times because every time I watch the video it makes me laugh out loud, even if I am by myself.

Please remember I do not write The Saturday Funnies; I gather them during the week from my incoming emails and believe in the power of laughter. I also believe that every time we share a funny story or a joke it doubles the sound of our laughter. So if you have others nearby as you watch the Polish Spoon Trick, gather them around and turn up the volume when you CLICK HERE.

With that, we are going to kick off this week’s edition with what we all knew was coming sooner or later …

* * *

THEY'RE ARE HERE! THE LATEST BLONDE MAN JOKES

* -- A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

* -- A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

* -- A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?" The husband shouts back, “No … this is her husband!”

* -- A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blonde replies. "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

* -- An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

* -- A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

* -- Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

* -- A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!”

* * *

GRACIOUS GOODNESS! BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU PRAY …

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moly," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

* * *

WHY YOU LEAVE IT UP TO WOMEN TO BUY THEIR OWN SLINKY STUFF

A husband walks into 'Victoria's Secret' to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price… the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed coffin.

* * *

YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED AT WHAT’S HARD TO FIND IN HEAVEN

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple "I can get you married in Heaven.”

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.”

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here … Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer!?!

* * *

THOSE SIGN PAINTERS HAVE GOT IT GOING ON!

* -- Sign in a Vancouver shoe repair shop: We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.

* -- Sign on a blinds and curtains truck: Blind man driving.

* -- In a podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.

* -- At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

* -- Sign on a plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

* -- At a tire repair shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

* -- On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

* -- In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.

* --  At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

* -- Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

* -- On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push!

* -- In a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

* -- At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.  However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

* -- In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

* -- In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.

* -- At a propane filling station: Thank Heaven for little grills.

* -- In a Chicago Radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

* -- And the best for last – Sign on the back of another septic tank truck: Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises.

Be the reason someone smiles today

royexum@aol.com

Roy Exum: ‘Easy Eddie’ & Butch

Roy Exum: ‘Pete, Never Forget’

Chuck Fleischmann Thanks The Voters


Not an hour’s drive from where I now sit is one of the best restaurants in all of Tennessee. Its been some years since I last ate supper at High Point, a legendary mansion restored to elegance ... (click for more)

Sometimes I don’t tend to myself quite like I should. Think of it as a bad habit. So last week I took some time away from the computer, away from my morning readings and newspapers and TV, so ... (click for more)

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Opinion

Roy Exum: ‘Easy Eddie’ & Butch

Not an hour’s drive from where I now sit is one of the best restaurants in all of Tennessee. Its been some years since I last ate supper at High Point, a legendary mansion restored to elegance by the current owners but, back in the ‘60s, I got a wide-eyed teenager’s peek at the place one Sunday afternoon. What’s this? 14-inch walls filled with sand to stop a G-man’s bullet? Escape ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: ‘Pete, Never Forget’

Sometimes I don’t tend to myself quite like I should. Think of it as a bad habit. So last week I took some time away from the computer, away from my morning readings and newspapers and TV, so I could tap my reset button. Things happen when you get old and some of them aren’t good. Thank goodness there is hardly anything today that has no solution if you keep trying and stay in the ... (click for more)

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Chicago Drug Dealer Who Supplied Large Amount Of Heroin To Chattanooga Contacts Found Guilty By Federal Jury

A Chicago drug dealer who prosecutors said supplied a large amount of heroin to sources in Chattanooga was found guilty by a federal jury in Chattanooga on Tuesday. James Silas, 50, was convicted of conspiring to distribute one kilogram or more of heroin. Sentencing is set for April 24 at 2 p.m. by Judge Curtis Collier, who presided over the trial. Based on a prior drug ... (click for more)

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