Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, April 28, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Unless you are over the age of 50 – or 60 -- we are going to open this week’s Saturday Funnies with a little quiz that will take folks my age to back long ago. Believe it or not, the older we get the more we cherish the memories of when we were young so – believe this – every reference to TV in this story first appeared in black-and-white.

As regular readers of The Saturday Funnies are aware, I did not write or create any part of what you are getting ready to read. My weekly disclaimer is to explain hundreds of funny emails, most often forwarded from another person, come to my email box every day and I simply pass along the ones I think are the best.

This has been a good week for my varied contributors and we are going to start with a cute quiz for our “more mature” readers:

* * *

FOR THE RECORD, I GOT 20-OF-22

Here’s a whiz-bang of a test for … er, people my age. … I hope my sharp-witted friends have fun with this and, yes, the answers follow. I got 20-of-22 right but let’s check your memory from 50 years ago …

1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S in early 1964, we all watched them  on The ____ ___________ Show.

3. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.'

4. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to  _____ __ ______.'

5. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____ ____ ____ ____.'

6. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the  '_______.'

7. Nestle's makes the very best....  _________.'

8. Satchmo was America's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ______  ___________.

9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named ______ ___ ________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and  '________  ________ '

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their  ______ _______.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? _____ & _______.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.'  This was a tribute to _______ ________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it.  It was called __________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50s and 60s was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ____ ____ .

16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!

18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The _____  Knows!

19. There was a song that came out in the 60s that was "a grave yard smash".  It's name was the ______ ______!

20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as its Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? _______

* * *

THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS …

1. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

2. The Ed Sullivan Show

3. On Route 66

4. To protect the innocent.

5. The Lion Sleeps Tonight

6. The limbo

7. Chocolate

8. Louis Armstrong

9. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop

16. Lucky Strike/Means

Fine Tobacco

17. Howdy Doody Time

18. Shadow

19. Monster Mash

20. Speedy

* * *

THE POPE AND THE HEAD RABBI USE SIGN LANGUAGE

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He offered to have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

"He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the rabbi said.

"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him ‘the finger.’

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

* * *

A KNOWING WIFE AND THE STATE TROOPER

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT TOTALLY UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No sir, officer. Only when he's been drinking"

* * *

DIVINE GUIDANCE ON THE GOLF COURSE

A lifelong golfer had a particular hole at his usual course where he could never clear the water and reach the green without losing his ball. He would always tee up an old ball just knowing he wasn't going to make it, and of course he didn't.

He wasn't a particularly good golfer but he enjoyed the game and now and then had an exceptional day on the links. One day he was playing well and when he reached his nemesis hole he started to tee up an old ball when a voice came into his head.

"Wait, use a brand new ball."

He took this as a signal from Heaven and thought maybe, just maybe, today is the day he would make the green. He took a new ball out of his bag and teed it up, then positioned himself for his swing.

"Wait," the voice said, "take a practice swing."

He stepped back, took a practice swing then again readied his shot.

Again the voice, "Wait. Take another practice swing."

He did. The voice said, "Use the old ball."

*  * *

royexum@aol.com



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