Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 12, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

This guy marveled when he read to his wife from the morning newspaper: “It says here that researchers have found women speak twice as much as men do.” His wife calmly replied, “That's because we always have to tell you twice!” So, as we embark on this week’s Saturday Funnies and you realize that if you live in the United States your driveway is accessible from any other driveway in the country, remember that this weekend The Hunter’s Moon will loom large in the heavens.

Scientists this week are puzzled by the fact that while typing on a real keyboard requires almost exclusively fingers -- that aren’t thumbs -- while typing on a phone’s keyboard requires nothing but thumbs.

As you mull that one over, remember the Saturday Funnies are what we gather in our weekly emails and simply pass along what comes from each sender in total anonymity.

One more before we get going: In this high-tech world where we now exist, do you realize most kids today will never have to face the awkwardness of calling a girl at home and having her dad answer the phone!

* * *

THE SOLEMN TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

NOTE: These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place:

- - -

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

- - -

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

- - -

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

- - -

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

- - -

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

- - -

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

- - -

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

- - -

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

- - -

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you (kidding) me?

- - -

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

- - -

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

- - -

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

- - - 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

- - -

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them … The live ones put up too much of a fight.

- - -

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

- - -

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

- - -

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

- - -

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive … and practicing law.

* * *

THE MAN WHO HAD NO FEAR OF SATAN

One bright and beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the village wakes up early and goes to the local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and families etc.

Suddenly at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling each other in their efforts to get away from this evil spirit.

Soon, everyone has left the church, except for one man who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Of course I do."

Satan shouts, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan perturbed says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replies, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 35 years."

* * *

THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATES AND WHAT COULD HAPPEN IF …

Just something to think about ...

1.  Fred Stevens, a welder, and Joe Frisco, a bartender, neither of whom went to college, will have to pay off the student loans for Eric, an Art History major, and Emma, a Gender Studies major, because they cannot get jobs.  (Elizabeth Warren)

2.  Yusef Hussein, who killed 23 children by bombing their school, will be allowed to vote from prison.  (Bernie Sanders)

3.  Grace Thompson, who worked hard for 47 years, must give up her employer furnished medical plan and join the National Health plan.  (The whole slate)

4. La'Darius Washington, who has never had a regular job, will receive a monthly income from the federal government to spend as he pleases.   (Amy Klobuchar)

5. Billy White, age 16, who has trouble with subject/verb agreement in English class, still has trouble with fractions in math class, and who thinks Judge Judy is on the Supreme Court, will get to vote. (Kirsten Gillibrand)

6. Stan Billings, an avid deer hunter, will have his semi-automatic rifle (fires one shot each time you pull the trigger) taken away, or go to jail,  because it looks like an AR 15.  (Eric Swalwell)

7. Sven Johannson, whose grandfather immigrated to the US in 1953, will have to pay reparations to Sha'lyndia Jefferson because she ‘thinks’ her great-great-great grandfather might have been a slave.  (Cory Booker)

8. Thomas Finch, who is an ambitious and motivated adult, cannot get a job because he doesn't want to join a labor union.  (Kamala Harris)

9. Sammy Thomas, a farmer, will no longer be able to haul his crops to market in his 3/4 ton diesel pick-up, but will have to make 43 trips in his Toyota Prius.   (The whole slate)

10.  The population of the US will become 76.4% Hispanic because all of the existing border wall will be torn down.  (Beto O’Rourke)

P.S. None of this will matter because the world is going to end in 12 years. (Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez)

* * *

CALL TO ACTION FROM THE ‘GREY-HAIRED BRIGADE’

The typical U.S. household headed by a person age 65 or older has a net worth 47 times greater than a household headed by someone under 35, according to an analysis of census data that has just been released.

They like to refer to us as senior citizens, old fogies, geezers and, in some cases, dinosaurs. Some of us are "Baby Boomers" getting ready to retire. Others have been retired for some time. We walk a little slower these days and our eyes and hearing are not what they once were. We worked hard, raised our children, worshiped our God and have grown old together.

In school we studied English, history, math and science,  which enabled us to lead America into the technological age. Most of us remember what outhouses were, many of us with firsthand experience. We remember the days of telephone party-lines, 25 cent gasoline, and milk and ice being delivered to our homes.

We are probably considered old fashioned and outdated by many. But there are a few things you need to remember before completely writing us off. We won World War II, fought in Korea and Viet Nam. We can quote The Pledge of Allegiance, and know where to place our hand while doing so. We wore the uniform of our country with pride, and lost many friends on the battlefield. We didn't fight for the Socialist States of America, we fought for the "Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave." We wore different uniforms but carried the same flag.

We know the words to the “Star Spangled Banner,” “America,” and “America the Beautiful” by heart, and you may even see some tears running down our cheeks as we sing. We have lived what many of you should have read in history books and we feel no obligation to apologize to anyone for America.

Yes, we are old and slow these days but rest assured, we have at least one good fight left in us. We have loved this country, fought for it, and died for it, and now we are going to save it. It is our country and nobody is going to take it away from us. We took oaths to defend America against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and that is an oath we plan to   keep. There are those who want to destroy this land we love but, like our founders, there is no way we are going to remain silent.

It was mostly the young people of this nation who elected Obama and the Democratic Congress. You fell for the "Hope and Change" which in reality was nothing but "Hype and Lies” from your college professors. You youngsters need to taste socialism and see evil face to face to understand you don't like it after all. You make a lot of noise, most are all too interested in their careers or "Climbing the Social Ladder" to be involved in such mundane things as patriotism and voting. Many of those who fell for the "Great Lie" in 2008 are now having buyer's remorse. With all the education we gave you, you didn't have sense enough to see through the lies and instead drank the 'Kool-Aid.'  

Well, don't worry youngsters, the Grey-Haired Brigade is here, and in 2016 we took back our nation. We may drive a little slower than you would like, but we get where we're going, and in 2020 we're driving to the polls again by the millions.

So the next time you have the chance to say the Pledge of Allegiance, stand up, put your hand over your heart, honor your country, and thank God for the old geezers of the "Gray-Haired Brigade."

Footnote: This is spot on.  I am another Gray-Haired Geezer signing on and I will circulate this to other Gray-Haired Geezers all over this still great county.

* * *

’DR. LAURA: SOME THINGS IN THE BIBLE I DO NOT UNDERSTAND’

This woman goes to a pretty intensive Bible study and writes to the newspaper’s expert on all things

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your articles, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

* -- Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

* -- I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

* -- I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

* -- When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

* -- I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

* -- A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

* -- Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

* -- Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

* -- I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

* -- My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) 

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your adoring fan.

* * *

OVERHEARD AT THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"

Students: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Students: "Homework!"

* * *

THE VIDEO OF THE WEEK – Buddy Hackett was one of the funniest guys to ever been born and the story he tells on the Johnny Carson Show ten years ago is a classic. CLICK HERE

royexum@aol.com


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