Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, November 30, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Of the many funny and otherwise wonderful emails that I receive each week, there was one in the bunch before Thanksgiving I thoroughly enjoyed until I realized it was describing me! I have never known until this week I am most probably possessed with an “attention deficit disorder.”  It appears those of us who are older (I’m 70)  suffer from it, and, as I rushed to include it in this week’s Saturday Funnies, it wasn’t until a day or two later that I readily identified myself as the star of this story.

Each week our regular readers know I collect the humor and mischief off my daily email intake and include those that I wouldn’t mind my grandchildren reading in The Saturday Funnies.

In what started as a quirky idea to break the monotony of bad news day after day, The Saturday Funnies are now a very popular feature of my weekly writings. I am careful to inform my readers that I don’t write these; they all originate from my emails and over 90 percent include no author, nor original source, but arrive as humorous missives to brighten my day.

This week’s leader tries to explain how ‘Age-Activated ADD’ takes place in people exactly like me and the best line in the tale is that if it hasn’t happened to you yet, you may as well hang on because it is coming:

* * *

HOW ‘AGE-ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER’ MANIFESTS ITS SELF IN US ALL

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.  As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.  

I put the Diet Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.  I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: The car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water,  there is still only one check in my check book,  I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.   

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. 

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail ... 

Kindly forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to.  Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

P.S. I don't remember who sent this to me, so if it was you, I’m sorry!

* * *

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ABOUT TOILET PAPER?

This is a bit of history that will truly make us thankful. We definitely need to thank the Chinese. Sometimes it's good to read something that makes you smile! I know that you have always been curious, so now you'll know.

1. The first recorded use of toilet paper was in 6th Century China.

2. By the 14th Century, the Chinese government was mass-producing it.

3. Packaged toilet paper wasn't sold in the United States until 1857.

4. Joseph Gayety, the man who introduced packaged TP to the U.S., had his name printed on every sheet.

5. Global toilet paper demand uses nearly 30,000 trees every day.

6. That's 10 million trees a year.

7. It wasn't until 1935 that a manufacturer was able to promise Splinter-Free Toilet Paper.

8. Seven percent of Americans admit to stealing rolls of toilet paper from hotels.

9. Americans use an average of 8.6 sheets of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom.

10. The average roll has 333 sheets.

11. Historically, what you use to wipe depended on your income level.

12. In the Middle Ages, they used something called a gompf stick, which was just an actual stick used to scrape.

13. Wealthy Romans used wool soaked in rose water, and French royalty used lace.

14. Other things that were used before toilet paper include hay, corn cobs, sticks, stones, sand, moss, hemp, wool, husks, fruit peels, ferns, sponges, seashells, knotted ropes, and broken pottery (ouch!).

15. 70-75% of the world still doesn't use toilet paper because it is too expensive or there is not sufficient plumbing.

16. In many Western European countries, bidets are seen as more effective and preferable to toilet paper.

17. Colored toilet paper was popular in the U.S. until the 1940s.

18. The reason toilet paper disintegrates so quickly when wet is that the fibers used to make it are very short.

19. On the International Space Station, they still use regular toilet paper, but it has to be sealed in special containers and compressed.

20. During Desert Storm, the U.S. Army used toilet paper to camouflage their tanks.

21. In 1973, Johnny Carson caused a toilet paper shortage. He said as a joke that there was a shortage, which there wasn't, until everyone believed him and ran out to buy up the supply. It took three weeks for some stores to get more stock.

22. There is a contest sponsored by Charmin to design and make wedding dresses out of toilet paper. The winner gets $2,000.

23.. There was a toilet paper museum in Wisconsin, The Madison Museum of Bathroom Tissue, but it closed in 2000.

24. The museum once had over 3,000 rolls of TP from places all over the world, including The Guggenheim, Ellis Island, and Graceland.

25. There is still a virtual toilet paper museum called Nobody's Perfect.

26. In 1996, President Clinton passed a Toilet Paper Tax of 6 cents per roll which is still in effect today.

27. The Pentagon uses, on average, 666 rolls of toilet paper per day.

28. The most expensive toilet paper in the world is the Portuguese brand, Renova.

29. Renova is three-ply, perfumed, costs $3 per roll, and comes in several colors including black, red, blue, and green.

30. The CEO of Renova came up with the idea for black toilet paper while he was at a Cirque du Soleil show.

31. Beyonce uses only red Renova toilet paper.

32. Kris Jenner uses only the black Renova toilet paper.

33. If you hang your toilet paper so you can pull it from the bottom, you're considered more intelligent than someone who pulls it from the top. (Wonder how this was determined?)

34. Koji Suzuki, a Japanese horror novelist best known for writing The Ring, had an entire novel printed on a single roll of toilet paper.

35. The novel takes place in a public bathroom, and the entire story runs approximately three feet long.

36. When asked what necessity they would bring to a desert island, 49% of people said toilet paper before food.

37. Queen Elizabeth II wipes her royal bottom with silk handkerchiefs. Wonder if the royal chambermaid gets to wash those?? Yeah, sure wouldn't want that job!

38. Muslims wipe their bums with their bare hand--- always the left hand. They eat with their right hand. If you are caught shop-lifting, your right hand is cut off.

* * *

A PRIEST KNOWS WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. 

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." 

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long have you had arthritis?"

The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it." 

* * *

NEVER ASK A QUESTION DURING ‘THE CHILDREN’S SERVICE’

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b***h to iron." 

* * *

THE LITTLE BOY WHO NEEDED TO LISTEN HARDER TO HIS TEACHER

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b***h is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b***h is nine." 

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" 

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." 

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. 

"Yes," he answered. 

Infuriated, the mother soon asked the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?" 

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." 

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b***h is four?" 

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

* * *

A CLASSIC CASE OF ANOTHER CHILD’S INNOCENCE

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." 

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." 

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" 

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." 

* * *

The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?” Without missing a beat, a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your doctor.” The pastor is still laughing. 

* * *

WHAT ELSE COULD THE FARMER SAY?

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” 

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" 

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Moley! A talking chicken!'" 

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEO

The definition of a personal privilege? That’s when you take a moment to listen to Luther Vandross sing “The Impossible Dream.” For the record, 2.7 million have already beat you to it, but what matters is that nobody’s counting. CLICK HERE.

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royexum@aol.com


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