Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, May 25, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

With all due reverence and respect for Memorial Day this Monday, The Saturday Funnies knows that those who gave their lives to preserve our freedom deserve not our laughter, but our warm memories of their devotion to our country and our fellow troops.

But if you were to venture into a VFW this weekend, or come across two or more of our heroes sharing a toast, it is a safe bet that among the memories will be the funny stories – things that happen each and every day – that help our warriors during unmerciful combat, the lonely hours standing post, and the morning countdown on the calendar before they will be reunited with the warriors of yesterday and a people who adore their service to our country.

As we remind you each week, The Saturday Funnies are not written by me, nor in most cases original, but are gleaned from the weekly emails that turn each week into joy as we share them.

To begin, our favorite was not sent in -- but never forgotten -- as I heard it told years ago in the Mississippi Delta, this in a ”dry county” where the VFW was the only establishment within 60 miles in any direction that served both beer and alcohol.  When I curiously asked why only the VFW, a man replied, “It was darn near unanimous on the last referendum – any man who drinks here earned the right.”

That same afternoon, a couple of Viet Nam vets were trading hysterical stories and this one Marine said, “During training exercises, I was with a lieutenant and we were slip-sliding down this impossibly muddy road. We came up on another Jeep that was stuck and this Colonel glared at us.

"Your Jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

* * *

WHY OUR TEACHERS NEED MORE THAN A 5% RAISE

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:  "Let me see if I've got this right…

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages and instill in them a love for learning.

You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a check book, and apply for a job.

You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and ensure that they all pass their final exams.

You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicap and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Arabic or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for "New Start."

You want me to do all this, and then you tell me …

I can’t wear a necklace with a little cross, mention God, or say "Merry Christmas" because someone might take offense?

Well, you know what you can do with your job!!!

P.S. I Support America, and I believe it’s time to vote these nut cases out of office, be they Republican or Democratic … and be they elected officials on a school board, city, town, county, state…

* * *

‘YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT’

A man was telling his buddy: My daughter walked into the living room and said: “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.

“Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.

“Then sell my car, take my house key away, and throw me out.

“Then disown me and never talk to me again.

“And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.”

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?”

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that.

She actually said: "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Elizabeth Warren’s Presidential campaign.

* * *

THE AMAZING DOG THAT COULD TALK

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken-down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Democrat and a liar. He never did any of that stuff!

* * *

THE BLONDE WHO DECIDED TO PAINT THE HOUSE

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of fresh paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

* * *

ISN’T IT FUNNY HOW CONFUSED WE CAN BECOME?

So I can understand this:

If your parents break the law to get you into college you should be expelled from school, they should be indicted, charged and convicted of a felony and may serve some time in jail.

Although, if your parents break the law to get you into the country .... you should be given a FREE education, healthcare on the American taxpayer's dime and EVERYONE should be given AMNESTY!

How did this happen?

* * *

THIS YEAR’S CROP OF JOKES ONLY DADS TELL

[NOTE –Father’s Day is Sunday, June 16, so this year when he hauls out his jokes, this is your ammo to fire back.]

* --What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

* -- How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!

* -- Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

* -- What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

* - What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom

* -- To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

* -- What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”

* -- This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

* -- What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!

* -- I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.

* -- Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"

* -- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

* -- What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.

* -- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

* -- You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.

* -- Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

* -- What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

* -- What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.

* -- The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

* -- Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

* -- Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

* -- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

* -- 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

* -- What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

* -- I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

* -- To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

* -- What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!

* -- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

* -- The rotation of earth really makes my day.

*-- I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.

* -- Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

* -- I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

* -- Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

* -- My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

* -- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

* -- What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”

* -- If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

* -- A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

* -- I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

* -- Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

* -- My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

* -- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

* -- When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!

* -- What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

* * *

A FUN WAY FOR AN OLD GUY TO SPEND THE DAY

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

For example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on son, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So, I called him a piece of chicken litter.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I could have cared less. I came into town by bus.

What I am trying to tell you … I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at our age.

* * *

HOW THE ‘BRO CODE’ REALLY WORKS

The Bro Code is an essential friendship etiquette (Guy Code Law) to be followed among men or, more specifically, among members of the bro subculture. Bro code is a guideline to live by between Bro’s.

You must always have your bro’s back. No exceptions.

If a bro dies while lifting, put more weight on the bar, and then call 911.

Shotgun is a responsibility, not a privilege. If you are sitting up front, you’re not a passenger, you’re the co-pilot.

Don’t throw a friend under the bus to impress someone. Ever.

When offered a beer, accept it even if it’s not your brand. Your favorite brand of beer is "free." Your second favorite is "cold."

If a friend with truck assists you with moving, you shall reciprocate with a full tank of gas. Beer and pizza also accepted.

If your bro dies, delete his Internet history.

Be polite around your buddy’s lady friend, but when he asks what you think, lay the truth on him like a ten-ton slab.

Unless it is super busy, there must always be a one urinal buffer between men in a restroom.

If you shake with a limp hand, you are acknowledging non-verbally to me that I’m in charge, even if we’ve just met.

All groceries go from the vehicle to the house in one trip. It does not matter how many bags there are.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

There are specific rules to the "head nod" when greeting another male. If you know them nod up, if you don’t you nod down.

* * *

THIS JUST IN FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLIC-ALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.

He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.

He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.

He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.

He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMOROUSLY OVER-CONFIDENT.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEO – Many a sailor has found out that in times of peril, you must keep your wits about you and that any boat is your best friend at the height of the crisis. Seals have embraced this tried-and-true belief along our Pacific coast for centuries and, to see for yourself, CLICK HERE.

 

royexum@aol.com


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