Roy Exum: The Sunday Funnies

Sunday, June 2, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I am puzzled by many things and, as I gathered my funny emails to share in this week’s Sunday Funnies, I wondered why the great majority of them poke fun at the liberals, the Democrats. Is it because the Left has lost its sense of humor, or that bitterness like acid eats away at its container, or because so many of my liberal friends agree it is funny to watch them get mad, fuss and fume, but I think all of us are better when we laugh together. I also believe getting mad is wasted energy … why not write a letter, work to have a candidate elected, do something constructive.

The UnifiED political group, still wanting us to believe their true purpose is education, is now going door-to-door in community neighborhoods in an effort to push the forthcoming tax increase and, while I am told  most people don’t like it, at least they are doing more than fuss and fume.

The other thing that is puzzling is that immediately after the State of Illinois became the 11th state to legalize recreational marijuana on Friday, between 6 p.m. that same day and dawn Saturday morning there were 31 people shot in those 12 hours inside the Chicago city limits. The shootings were separate incidents but two for every hour isn’t funny at all.

We open today’s Funnies with a wonderful letter from “Jack” in Crestview, Fla., with some chest-swelling inspiration before presenting an unusually good joke list. Remember, I do not write these jokes but gather what are sent to me and make me laugh.

* * *

GREAT THINGS HAPPEN WHEN A FEW MARINES GET TOGETHER

As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open. The old man was looking at the engine. 

I put my groceries away in my car, and continued to watch the old gentleman from about twenty five feet away. I saw a young man in his early twenties with a grocery bag in his arm walking towards the old man. The old gentleman saw him coming too, and took a few steps towards him.

I saw the old gentleman point to his open hood and say something. The young man put his grocery bag into what looked like a brand new Cadillac Escalade. He then turned back to the old man. I heard him yell at the old gentleman saying: "You shouldn't even be allowed to drive a car at your age." And then with a wave of his hand, he got in his car and peeled rubber out of the parking lot.

I saw the old gentleman pull out his handkerchief, and mop his brow as he went back to his car and again looked at the engine. He then went to his wife and spoke with her; he appeared to tell her it would be okay. 

I had seen enough, and I approached the old man. 

He saw me coming and stood straight, and as I got near him I said, 'Looks like you're having a problem.'

He smiled sheepishly, and quietly nodded his head. I looked under the hood myself, and knew that  whatever the problem was, it was beyond me.

Looking around, I saw a gas station up the road, and I told the old man that I would be right back. I drove to the station and I went inside. I saw three attendants working on cars. I approached one of them, and related the problem the old man had with his car. I offered to pay them if they could follow me back down and help him.

The old man had pushed the heavy car under the shade of a tree and appeared to be comforting his wife. When he saw us he straightened up and thanked me for my help. As the mechanics diagnosed the problem (overheated engine), I spoke with the old gentleman.

When I shook hands with him earlier, he had noticed my Marine Corps ring and had commented about it, telling me that he had been a Marine too. I nodded and asked the usual question, 'What outfit did you serve with?'

He had mentioned that he served with the first Marine Division at Tarawa, Saipan, Iwo Jima and Guadalcanal …

He had hit all the big ones and retired from the Corps after the war was over. As we talked we heard the car engine come on and saw the mechanics lower the hood. They came over to us as the old man reached for his wallet, but was stopped by me. I told him I would just put the bill on my AAA card.

He still reached for the wallet and handed me a card that I assumed had his name and address on it and I stuck it in my pocket. We shook hands all around again, and I said my goodbye to his wife.

I then told the two mechanics that I would follow them back up to the station. Once at the station, I told them that they had interrupted their own jobs to come along with me and help the old man. I said I wanted to pay for the help, but they refused to charge me. 

One of them pulled out a card from his pocket, looking exactly like the card the old man had given to me. Both of the men told me then that they were Marine Corps Reserves. Once again, we shook hands all around and as I was leaving, one of them told me I should look at the card the old man had given to me. I said I would and drove off.

For some reason I had gone about two blocks, when I pulled over and took the card out of my pocket and looked at it for a long, long time. The name of the old gentleman was on the card in golden leaf and under his name was written: 'Congressional Medal of Honor Society.'

I sat there motionless, looking at the card and reading it over and over. I looked up from the card and smiled to no one but myself and marveled that on this day, four Marines had all come together because one of us needed help. He was an old man all right, but it felt good to have stood next to greatness and courage, and an honor to have been in his presence. 

Remember, old men like him gave our freedom for America .  Thanks to those who served and still serve, and to all of those who supported them, and who continue to support them.

America is not at war.  The U.S. Military is at war.  America is at the Mall.  

If you don't stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom is not free.

Thousands have paid the price, so you can enjoy what you have today.

So let’s do this … just 19 words … 

God our Father, walk through my house and take away all my worries, and please watch over and heal my family, and please protect our freedoms, and watch over our troops, who are defending those freedoms. Amen

In God we trust!

* * *

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE … AND SOME BONUS RULES, TOO

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the idiot's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!

Oh, and as I get older, I realize:

No. 1 -  I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

No. 2 -  I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.

No. 3 - I don't need anger management.  People need to stop making me so mad.

No. 4 - My people skills are just fine.  My tolerance for idiots needs work.

No. 5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

No. 6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

No. 7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

No. 8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

No. 9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

No. 10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me

* * *

C’MON, WE NEED TO ENCOURAGE DELUSION

When one tries to “reason” with a lefty Democrat, remember you are dealing with a person that believes that a man can be a woman and a woman can be a man and that such a delusion should be encouraged, not discouraged.

Discouragement of the delusion is considered immoral and bigoted. Thus, our society has unnecessary dilemmas concerning bathrooms, athletic competition at all levels, and “pronoun” controversies subjecting ourselves to all manner of laws, rules, regulation and more needless government control.

Here is a suggestion to break the left’s ridiculous gender ideology and denial of biological reality:

President Trump should make a declaration that he is identifying as a woman.

The Left will have to admit the absurdity of their gender ideology or accept and celebrate “Donna Trump” as the first woman President, thus beating Hillary, Liz Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala Harris and Kirsten Gillibrand to the glorious goal of one of their “female firsts”.

Furthermore, if he remains married to Melania, he will also be the first gay president and the first lesbian president. He will also be the first lesbian president married to an immigrant!

What a most glorious event for the Democrats to celebrate!

* * *

A LETTER TO THE BOSS (AND YOU ARE THE BOSS)

Letter to my BOSS:

I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief  Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my salary with increases until she or he dies, and a health plan that most people can only dream of having. Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time, I will show up for work when it is convenient for me.  And in addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job

Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be coming back with no loss in pay or status.  Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in this matter.  I can, and I will, do this.

Sincerely,

Every Senator or Congressman running for President in 2020

P.S. We need to start voting out anyone (Dem. and Rep.) that has been in Washington (Senate & House) 4 years or more. We don’t need the idiots that think they are so much better and smarter than the voting public. So far we, as voters who are supposed to be the boss, haven’t been very smart but, remember, you are still the boss!

* * *

FUNNY VIDEO OF THE WEEK – The online food-entertainment website Thrillist had the fun idea of taking a spectacular athlete, using Hollywood’s best experts to turn his appearance “aged,” and unleash the old man in his cardigan sweater on Muscle Beach. Kenneth Leverich, a former Junior Olympic weightlifter and top SoCal Crossfit competitor who can dead lift 535 pounds, sat with Hollywood special effects guru Dan Gilbert for four hours of prosthetics and make up. Then off he went … CLICK HERE

BONUS VIDEO – My favorite video for all of last year was the shortest case of “road rage” ever recorded. By now it “has gotten legs” and has it ever gone viral! If you missed it, CLICK HERE

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royexum@aol.com


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