Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, July 13, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Hurrah for the Saturday funnies! This week’s collection is not a very good collection on ‘political correctness’ but that’s not the intention. We can laugh about anything! As longtime readers know, I neither write nor edit the funnies that arrive in my email every day. I save the funny ones and hope you’ll enjoy them.

* * *

ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT, A REPUBLICAN OR A SOUTHERNER?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

* -- Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

* -- What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?

* -- Does the man look poor or oppressed?

* -- Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?

* -- Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

* -- Could we run away?

* -- What does my wife think?

* -- What about the kids?

* -- Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

* -- I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

* -- This is all so confusing!

A Republican's Answer: BANG!

A Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Wife: ‘No! You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!”

* * *

I HAVE WATCHED WHY THE UNITED STATES HAS ‘CHANGED’          

My Grandfather served and watched as his friends died in WWI. My Father served and watched as his friends died in WWII and Korea. I watched (1st hand) as my friends fought and died in Vietnam. I watched as our friends and children fought and died in Desert Storm. I was there…

I watched and waited while our friends and children fought and died in Iraq. None of them fought for or died for the Mexican Flag or any other foreign flag. Everyone fought for and died for the U.S. Flag! 

In Texas, a student raised a Mexican flag on a school flagpole; another student took it down. Guess who was expelled? The kid who took it down.

Kids in high school in California were sent home this year on Cinco de Mayo because they wore T-shirts with the American flag printed on them.

Enough is enough. This email needs to be viewed by every American. And every American needs to stand up for America. That includes NFL players who disrespect our flag and everything it represents. Including all those who served and sacrificed.

We've bent over to appease the America-haters long enough.       

I'm taking a stand. I'm standing up because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the U.S. Flag can't stand up. And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message.

Let me make this perfectly clear – This is my country.

And, my making this statement does not mean I'm against immigration. As a matter of fact, you are welcome in our country … welcome ! … to come through legally:

* -- Get a sponsor.

* -- Get a place to lay your head.

* -- Get a job.   

* -- Live By Our Rules.

* -- Pay your Taxes.

* -- Learn our language like millions of immigrants have in the past.

* -- Please understand that you are not eligible for Social Security funds.

We have gone the other way and we’ve bent over backwards not to offend anyone ... but it seems no one cares about the American citizen being offended.

I am offended. Who do I see about it?

* * *

DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY CHOICES WE HAVE IN THE NEXT ELECTION?

2020..........many choices, tough to decide, but a wide open field on the dem side.  Gee, just not sure which benefit I want at this age...sadly, I don't see the one about love solving all problems, really like that one though. 

“Decisions....decisions"

Gonna be hard to figure out who to vote for in 2020.

1. Biden's gonna cure cancer

2. Kamala's handing out reparation money to blacks.

3. Bernie's gonna forgive all student loans.

4. Warren's gonna send reparation checks to homosexuals.

5. Beto's gonna eliminate our nation's borders.

6. Booker's gonna increase welfare programs.

7. Klobuchar's gonna make Washington DC and Puerto Rico states.

9. Swalwell's gonna vacate the 2nd Amendment.

10. Buttigieg's gonna eliminate the Electoral College.

11. Trump's gonna secure our borders, build our economy, strengthen our military, ensure America never becomes a socialist nation, protect Israel, reduce taxes, protect the unborn, follow the Constitution, eliminate unfair trade, clean up government corruption and ensure Iran doesn't use the billions of dollars and nuclear technology Obama gave it to build bombs.

Hmmmm. It is still early but I just can't quite make up my mind...”

* * *

AN OLD CATHOLIC PRIEST AND HIS DYING REQUEST

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. “Yes, Father?” said the nurse. “I would really like to see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Chuck and Nancy were delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Chuck commented to Nancy “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy ‘s hand in his right hand and Chuck’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally, Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” The old priest continued, “He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

THIS WEEK’S VIDEO – With the outlandish behavior and the stream of profanity that marred the USA women’s soccer championship, here is a different tribute to America that was aired by US rodeo. I like this much better. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


Mayor Candidate Should Not Be Moving His Business Out Of Chattanooga

Cockfighting Is Uncivilized And Barbaric And Tennessee Shouldn’t Tolerate It

Send Your Opinions To Chattanoogan.com; Include Your Full Name, Address, Phone Number For Verification


If you have a high interest credit card and shop around and find a lower interest card then decide to move over to that lower interest rate card, that's fine. If you own a business and find a ... (click for more)

The origin of cockfighting dates back thousands of years, but it was during Ferdinand Magellan’s voyage to the Philippines in 1521 that modern cockfighting was first documented by his chronicler, ... (click for more)

We welcome your opinions at Chattanoogan.com. Email to news@chattanoogan.com . We require your real first and last name and contact information. This includes your home address and phone ... (click for more)



Opinion

Mayor Candidate Should Not Be Moving His Business Out Of Chattanooga

If you have a high interest credit card and shop around and find a lower interest card then decide to move over to that lower interest rate card, that's fine. If you own a business and find a way to keep your taxes lower, well, that's fine too. If you are Tim Kelly and running for mayor of Chattanooga, Tennessee and move your business to an out of city entity, like East Ridge, for ... (click for more)

Cockfighting Is Uncivilized And Barbaric And Tennessee Shouldn’t Tolerate It

The origin of cockfighting dates back thousands of years, but it was during Ferdinand Magellan’s voyage to the Philippines in 1521 that modern cockfighting was first documented by his chronicler, Antonio Pigafetta, in the kingdom of Taytay. It’s a grisly and still-rampant blood sport, unnervingly present in the Volunteer State. Most states banned cockfighting in the 19th century, ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Governor Lee Signs Executive Orders To Lift Nursing Home Restrictions; Remote Meetings Allowed Through April 28

Governor Bill Lee has signed new Executive Orders 77 , 78 and 79 lifting visitation restrictions at nursing homes and allowing remote meetings to continue through April 28. He said, “Our state’s COVID-19 numbers continue to improve thanks to efficient vaccine distribution and efforts to protect our most vulnerable citizens,” said Gov. Lee. “I have authorized continuation of ... (click for more)

Richards, Condra Charged In Drug Overdose Death; Victim Had Toxic Level Of Fentanyl

The Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office Narcotics and Special Operations Division has concluded an investigation into a Dec. 8, 2020 death in the Lakesite area resulting from a drug overdose with the arrest of two local men. Marshal Dale Richards, 41, from Soddy Daisy, was arrested and charged with second-degree murder with a bond of $125,000, and criminal conspiracy heroin for ... (click for more)

Sports

UTC Football Opens Winter/Spring Season With Wofford

The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga football team kicks off the Winter/Spring 2021 schedule with a visit from No. 11 Wofford this weekend. The Mocs host the Terriers at Finley Stadium on Saturday, Feb. 27, at 12:00 p.m. (E.S.T.). Immediate families on the home and visiting pass lists are the only spectators allowed for this event. Fans can check the full broadcast on ... (click for more)

Covenant Cross-Country Teams Sweep USA South West Division Championship

The Covenant cross country teams toppled the USA South West Division championships with a pair of team titles while Ben Mellott was the men's individual champion at the conference meet on Friday afternoon in Grady, Ala. It was the first conference title for the men since 2014, while the women claim their first official title in the NCAA-era. Mellot became the first men's ... (click for more)