Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, July 13, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Hurrah for the Saturday funnies! This week’s collection is not a very good collection on ‘political correctness’ but that’s not the intention. We can laugh about anything! As longtime readers know, I neither write nor edit the funnies that arrive in my email every day. I save the funny ones and hope you’ll enjoy them.

* * *

ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT, A REPUBLICAN OR A SOUTHERNER?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

* -- Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

* -- What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?

* -- Does the man look poor or oppressed?

* -- Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?

* -- Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

* -- Could we run away?

* -- What does my wife think?

* -- What about the kids?

* -- Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

* -- I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

* -- This is all so confusing!

A Republican's Answer: BANG!

A Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Wife: ‘No! You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!”

* * *

I HAVE WATCHED WHY THE UNITED STATES HAS ‘CHANGED’          

My Grandfather served and watched as his friends died in WWI. My Father served and watched as his friends died in WWII and Korea. I watched (1st hand) as my friends fought and died in Vietnam. I watched as our friends and children fought and died in Desert Storm. I was there…

I watched and waited while our friends and children fought and died in Iraq. None of them fought for or died for the Mexican Flag or any other foreign flag. Everyone fought for and died for the U.S. Flag! 

In Texas, a student raised a Mexican flag on a school flagpole; another student took it down. Guess who was expelled? The kid who took it down.

Kids in high school in California were sent home this year on Cinco de Mayo because they wore T-shirts with the American flag printed on them.

Enough is enough. This email needs to be viewed by every American. And every American needs to stand up for America. That includes NFL players who disrespect our flag and everything it represents. Including all those who served and sacrificed.

We've bent over to appease the America-haters long enough.       

I'm taking a stand. I'm standing up because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the U.S. Flag can't stand up. And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message.

Let me make this perfectly clear – This is my country.

And, my making this statement does not mean I'm against immigration. As a matter of fact, you are welcome in our country … welcome ! … to come through legally:

* -- Get a sponsor.

* -- Get a place to lay your head.

* -- Get a job.   

* -- Live By Our Rules.

* -- Pay your Taxes.

* -- Learn our language like millions of immigrants have in the past.

* -- Please understand that you are not eligible for Social Security funds.

We have gone the other way and we’ve bent over backwards not to offend anyone ... but it seems no one cares about the American citizen being offended.

I am offended. Who do I see about it?

* * *

DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY CHOICES WE HAVE IN THE NEXT ELECTION?

2020..........many choices, tough to decide, but a wide open field on the dem side.  Gee, just not sure which benefit I want at this age...sadly, I don't see the one about love solving all problems, really like that one though. 

“Decisions....decisions"

Gonna be hard to figure out who to vote for in 2020.

1. Biden's gonna cure cancer

2. Kamala's handing out reparation money to blacks.

3. Bernie's gonna forgive all student loans.

4. Warren's gonna send reparation checks to homosexuals.

5. Beto's gonna eliminate our nation's borders.

6. Booker's gonna increase welfare programs.

7. Klobuchar's gonna make Washington DC and Puerto Rico states.

9. Swalwell's gonna vacate the 2nd Amendment.

10. Buttigieg's gonna eliminate the Electoral College.

11. Trump's gonna secure our borders, build our economy, strengthen our military, ensure America never becomes a socialist nation, protect Israel, reduce taxes, protect the unborn, follow the Constitution, eliminate unfair trade, clean up government corruption and ensure Iran doesn't use the billions of dollars and nuclear technology Obama gave it to build bombs.

Hmmmm. It is still early but I just can't quite make up my mind...”

* * *

AN OLD CATHOLIC PRIEST AND HIS DYING REQUEST

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. “Yes, Father?” said the nurse. “I would really like to see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Chuck and Nancy were delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Chuck commented to Nancy “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy ‘s hand in his right hand and Chuck’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally, Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” The old priest continued, “He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

THIS WEEK’S VIDEO – With the outlandish behavior and the stream of profanity that marred the USA women’s soccer championship, here is a different tribute to America that was aired by US rodeo. I like this much better. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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