Roy Exum
This week I got a query from a writer in New York who asked me about a story I wrote nine years ago, in 2011, about a reunion with a college professor who made his students some hot chocolate. Are you kidding me, I write every day to curb my mental thirst and embrace my zest for life? The simple truth is I cannot remember what I wrote last week. The writer was enthralled by the story and wanted to accredit to the rightful author but as one who collects stories that very rarely include the author’s name, I dutifully apologized and said that while I will always and forever include the source as often as I can, I can readily admit that long ago I discovered my favorite writer is, indeed, “author unknown.”
And so, the same is true with each week’s Saturday Funnies.
Throughout every week I receive funny emails from every imaginable source, and easily 95 percent of them include no origin. I try to be consistent in including a disclaimer, saying they were not written by me and gleaned from my weekly emails. I came up with the idea of The Saturday Funnies a couple of years ago and there has been an increasing amount of submissions for only the Lord knows why. I adore humor, and I hope The Saturday Funnies makes you laugh in the same way these do me.
I have no idea where “The Professor and Hot Chocolate” originated it, nor who wrote it, but it mattered to me in 2011, and I hope in this time of 30 million Americans out of jobs, the coronavirus still strong, and our tornado victims shattered, it will resonate with you. Onward and upward!
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THE PROFESSOR, THE HOT CHOCOLATE & THE CUPS
A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups - porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate.
When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: "Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
“The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and, in some cases, even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups ... and then you began eyeing each other's cups.
“Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life,” said the professor. “The cup you have does not define, nor change, the quality of life you have.
“Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate God has provided us. God makes the hot chocolate; man chooses the cups. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
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THE BEST AMERICAN COMEBACKS EVER
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DE Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all U.S. military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?" De Gaulle did not respond.
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When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying, “Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
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There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?" A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear-powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?" Without hesitating the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
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Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on. “You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." … "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."
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THE TALE OF TWO WINNERS
Bubba and Billy Bob were known for having quite a bit below the average smarts around Little Rock.
One day, in the Little Rock Walmart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Walmart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great! I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?”
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."
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MY BOY JOHNNY IS UP TO MISCHIEF AGAIN
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer. "Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R, and if he were here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he were here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement, hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My dad is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff ain’t ever going to be able to spell "accountant."
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HOW LITTLE JOHNNY FINALLY GOT CAUGHT
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president." said little Johnny with his little innocent eyes open large.
"Just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?'
Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
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THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
* -- What a delight it was to see one of my “Top Five Favorite Videos” is making the rounds on email again! “And, On the Ninth Day, God Made a Dog” has made me cry almost every time I watch it, since dogs have been such an integral part of my life since I was four years old. As a matter of fact, my first childhood chore was to change the water in the dog’s bowl every day. Not long afterwards, a babysitter told me that was stupid, since water does not go stale, and I told my Dad she said it was stupid. Dad smiled, and said she was right, “but the dogs don’t know that … they watch you change their water because you love them … and each dog will become your best friend because they love you for it.” Dad was right. Thus, I have changed a dog’s water every day for all of my life. The video -- “On the Ninth Day …” is a take-off of the legendary Paul Harvey’s 1972 hit, “And God Made a Farmer,” which has also been watched by many millions. The narrator makes the video ever more precious. CLICK HERE.
* -- It was in 1972 when Paul Harvey, a once in a lifetime radio voice, created the classic, “God Made A Farmer”. CLICK HERE.
* -- One more … have your ever-seen Paul Harvey, who died in 2009, deliver his tribute to the “The Policeman”? Absolutely wonderful! CLICK HERE.
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