Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, May 30, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Erma Bombeck, surely one of the greatest newspaper columnists in our lifetime, once decreed, "When humor goes, there goes civilization." With a new spate of disappointing news this week, it is easy to see the sage Erma was right, and thus we welcome this week’s newest edition of The Saturday Funnies. As longtime readers are aware, the Funnies are a collection of the nameless missives that come our way through the daily email in-box.

We dutifully gather the best to create the much-acclaimed Saturday Funnies. We rely a great deal on what our readers share and greatly appreciate any submission you feel may make others like yourself enjoy their Saturday mornings.

This week’s collection includes more-than-usual one-liners … that are funny! Here we go:

* * *

1. Some people are kind, polite, and thoughtful   … until you try to sit in their pews.  
2. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.  
3. It is easier to preach 10 sermons than it is to live one.
4. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.  
5. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
6. People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and back of the church.
7. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on the front door forever.
8. Quit griping about your church; If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.  
9. If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
10. We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
11. God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?  
12. Some minds are like concrete -- thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.  
13. Peace starts with a smile.
14. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
15. Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
16. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
17. Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
18. Don' t wait for six strong men to take you to church.
19. Forbidden fruits create many jams.  
20. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.  
21. God grades on the cross, not the curve.
22. God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruit of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
23. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.  
24. He who angers you, controls you!  
25. If God is your co-pilot, swap seats!  
26. Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty! 
27. The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us.  
28. The will of God never takes you to where the grace of God will not protect you.  
29. We don't change the message. The message changes us.
30. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

* * *  


* -- Some nice folks just knocked on my door, collecting for the old folks' home. I gave them my wife.

* -- Advice from a successful freeway exit panhandler to an unsuccessful one: Make a sign that says, “I only need $50 more, then I can move back to Mexico.”

* -- The inventor of auto-correct died yesterday. Wrest in Piece!

* -- Don't miss the exciting Air Origami Championship! It's on Paper View.

* -- It's tough working at the Unemployment Office. They fired me today and told me to come in first thing tomorrow!

* -- When I was born, I was so ugly that ... my mother borrowed the neighbor's baby to take to church with her.

* -- The snooty waiter asked a new customer, "Do you want red wine or white wine with your dinner?" “It doesn't matter; I'm color blind."

* -- Because of the coronavirus business, this spring's National Spelling Bee was: cancul ... cansel ...  cance ...  it was called off!

* -- You heard about the kid who stole candy bars? He always had a few Twix up his sleeve.

* -- I'm tired of dumb blonde jokes!  Why aren't there any dumb brunettes? Hydrogen peroxide.

* -- When I started middle school, I had to use my brother's old calculator that was missing the X button. Times were hard.

* * *


A man came home from work one day and found total mayhem. The three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud. Empty food boxes and wrappers were strewn across the yard. When he went inside, the mess was even worse. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against the wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring on a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, cereal had been spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over more piles of clothes and toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a book. She looked up at him and smiled and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She smiled and answered, “You know how every day when you come home from work, you ask me what I did all day?”

“Yes,” he said, baffled.

“Well,” she said, “today I didn’t!”

* * *

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
 #2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
 #3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop teeing you off.
 #4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
 #5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
 #6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
 #8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
 #10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
 #12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and I hope you never will.
HONORABLE MENTION: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house!

 * * *


THE CHINESE GRANDFATHER – This is a great reminder that even if you are age 90, your great-great grandchildren would love to dance with you! CLICK HERE Chineses Dançando Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees

THE GREAT TIM CONWAY – The Carol Burnett Show had some dazzling comedy sketches, but my favorites were when Tim Conway would suddenly abandon the script and take off on his own. The show was taped live back then, and he relished reducing his co-stars to uncontrollable fits of laughter. Carol Burnett tries her best to keep a straight face, while Vicki Lawrence gets even at the end. Dick Van Dyke is obviously trying not to wet his pants. And, for the record, this take has had 40-million-plus views. CLICK HERE Carol Burnett Show outtakes - Tim Conway's Elephant Story

JONATHAN WINTERS was another funny legend. His jokes were clean, and his lightning-quick imagination was off the charts. Here’s a moment with Johnny Carson where he tells about the time he glued his cat to the floor. Winters died in 2013 but for a time he was better known than the President. CLICK HERE. Jonathan Winters Accidentally Glued His Cat to The Floor, on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson

‘IF,’ READ BY SIR MICHAEL CAINE – My favorite poem – of all time – is ‘If,’ written by Rudyard Kipling. The brilliant actor, Michael Cain, read it with nigh reverence. CLICK HERE

MARCUS LUTRELL, whose stunning story was featured in the Navy SEAL film, “Last Man Standing,” was scheduled to speak here this spring at the fabulous Honoring the Sacrifice annual dinner but he’ll be back! The talk was postponed by the coronavirus outbreak, but with be held in the fall. Here he describes what happened on that fateful day. CLICK HERE Marcus Luttrell "Lone Survivor" Speech

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