Roy Exum: The Sunday Funnies

Sunday, July 5, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Due to my strong belief that ‘country comes before self,’ this rare issue of The Sunday Funnies is necessary because of Independence Day, but this week The Saturday Funnies will again appear. Our long-term readers know that the weekly funnies come from the emails that are shared during the week, thus the disclaimer
 
But do 4th of July jokes get stale by the 5th? A crafty teacher tried to trick her students by asking if the 4th of July was celebrated in England. Little Johnny sighed, “Please … it’s the only way they can get from the 3rd to the 5th.”’

Then there was the kindergarten teacher who explained Independence Day is celebrated because we are all free.
Little Noah jumped from his chair, strode with firm steps up to the teacher and told her in no uncertain terms, “I am not free! I am four!”

Then I heard there was this farmer in Bledsoe County who was helping a cow deliver a calf, only to look up and find his youngest son staring with saucer eyes. The farmer braced himself, knowing the birds-and-bees story was fixing to be told, and after all was well and good, he sat beside his boys and asked if there was anything the kid would like to know.

The boy thought for a second and then said, “Pops, how fast you reckon that calf was running when he hit that cow?”

With that, here are this morning’s Funnies:

* * *
A VERY TRUE STORY ABOUT CAPT. McDANIAL

The twenty-year-old soldier, recently reduced in rank from buck sergeant to buck private, stood outside base headquarters and read his orders again. "Report to Captain McDanial at..."

No doubt this Captain McDanial would know of the private’s recent release from the base stockade at Fukuoka after serving five months of a six months sentence for stealing $420.00 of military script money and a .45 caliber pistol from the 2nd Airdrome Squadron’s post office.

Might as well get ready for a nasty chewing out, he mumbled to himself as he hoisted his duffel bag to his shoulder and climbed the steps to the entryway. After stepping inside and setting his belongings down in an out of the way spot, he surveyed the orderly room. The first sergeant was sitting at a desk near the wooden railing and three other clerical types were beyond him, two seated at desks, and one at a filing cabinet.

The private nervously handed over his orders to the first sergeant and said, "I am to report to Captain McDanial."

"Oh, you’re private _____. The captain said he wants to see you the moment you got here. He has a special assignment for you. Door on your left at the end of the room. Knock three times and wait until he says, 'come in,' before you enter, then march up to his desk, come to attention and salute."
Yikes, the private said to himself, as he headed toward the Captain's door. A special assignment? Looks like I’m in for it now!

The 'come in,' command was sharp and authoritative. The private braced himself for the ordeal and taking a deep breath opened the door and strode to within three paces of the captain’s desk where he saluted and said, "Private _______ reporting as ordered sir."

"Stand at ease, private. I’ve read the transcript of your courts martial. That, and a copy of your conduct while in the stockade were forwarded to me by your commanding officer. I note that you achieved trustee status after two months, and that your conduct was that of a model soldier in confinement. Because of this, I’ve decided to give you a special assignment. Perhaps the first sergeant mentioned this to you?"

"Yes sir. He did."

"Good," he said, as he got to his feet while opening and reaching inside the top drawer of his desk.

"Here," the Captain said, as he stretched out his hand toward the private. "Here is $420.00 in military script. Go to the base post office and buy a money order with it. On your way, get your barracks assignment from the first sergeant, then report to me tomorrow morning at 0800 hours with the money order. Any questions?"

The private was too astounded to formulate a question! Here was this captain, who only knew of him what he had read in the court-martial transcript, entrusting him with $420.00 in military script money - the exact amount he and his partner in crime had stolen. By giving him until tomorrow morning to complete the special assignment, the captain had created the opportunity for the private to get a great head start if he decided to go AWOL with it. Why was the captain doing this?

"No questions, sir."

"Good. Dismissed."

The private came to attention, saluted, did an about-face, and strode briskly to the door. He turned the knob, pulled the door towards him and while momentarily facing the captain said, "Sir?"

The captain looked up.

"Thank-you, sir," the private sang in a joyous voice!

The captain waved him out.

The private almost skipped down the street towards the base post office he was so thrilled at the trust this Captain McDanial had placed in him. How could the private do anything else when the captain had so clearly demonstrated his faith in him?

Captain McDanial's 'special assignment' was much more than a routine chore. It was an opportunity for the private to restore his dignity.

Postscript: Later in that month of April 1948, Captain McDanial arranged a thirty-day emergency leave for the private when the private received news that his older sister had been involved in an automobile accident and was not expected to live.

It has been said that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Captain McDanial (his real name) was one of those persons that come into our lives for a reason. The private has never seen, or heard, from the captain again; but he has never forgotten him and what he did for the private with his 'Special Assignment.'

(A very special thank you to the author who has asked to remain anonymous.)

* * *
Be the change you wish to see in the world.

* * *

SOMETIMES THE VERY BEST WORDS ARE NEVER SPOKEN

There was once an elderly, despondent woman in a nursing home. She wouldn't speak to anyone or request anything. She merely existed - rocking in her creaky old rocking chair.

The old woman didn't have many visitors. But every couple mornings, a concerned and wise young nurse would go into her room. She didn't try to speak or ask questions of the old lady. She simply pulled up another rocking chair beside the old woman and rocked with her.
Weeks or months later, the old woman finally spoke.

'Thank you,' she said. 'Thank you for rocking with me.'"

Never underestimate the power of a nurse.

- Author Unknown

* * *
THE BEST BIBLE SALESMAN EVER!

A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir."

Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out.

After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.

"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

-- Author Unknown

* * *
HAVE WE LOST OUR COLLECTIVE MINDS?

We have become a nation that has lost its collective mind! Let’s see if I got this right...

* -- Somehow, it's Un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America.
* -- Russians influencing our elections are bad, but illegal Mexicans voting in our elections are good.
* -- It was cool for Joe Biden to "blackmail" the President of Ukraine, but it's an impeachable offense if the President inquiries about it.
* -- Twenty is too young to drink a beer, but eighteen is old enough to vote.
* -- People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves.   This after 250,000 white union soldiers died to free the slaves and the subsequent freed slaves had already been given 40 acres and a mule to stimulate their life of freedom.
* -- Inflammatory rhetoric is outrageous but harassing conservative people in restaurants is virtuous.
* -- People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans to earn useless degrees.
* -- Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, and you'd better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.
* -- Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate Central American gangbanger who jumps the southern fence is welcome.
* -- $5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for 'free' health care is not.
* -- If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.
* -- People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female Vice President.
* -- We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, and it seems like a great plan to some of us.
* -- Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.
* -- Criminals are catch-and-released to hurt more people but stopping them is bad because it's a violation of THEIR rights.
* -- And pointing out all this hypocrisy somehow makes us "racists"?!
NOTE: This e-mail was made with 100% recycled electrons.  No electrons were harmed, no trees were destroyed, no animals were killed, and no political correctness was observed in making or sending this message.

* * *
SOME OTHERS AMONG US WHO HAVEN’T A CLUE

These are unverified, of course, but it is alleged they come from a Washington DC 'airport ticket agent' who offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's staffer who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.”
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me! I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' What!

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''
I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (What, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. A Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. A La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York. I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!
''So, I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
Could anyone be this dumb?
Yes, they walk among us, are in politics, and they breed.

* * *

If the word “dumb” ends in a “b” and the “b” is silent, what is it doing in the word? And that is dumb, in and of itself. No?

* * *
If the District of Columbia becomes our nation’s 51st state, as the house approved this week, where will its capital be located?

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- THE BOY ON THE BEACH: This may be the best Independence Day video ever made. CLICK HERE.

* -- THAT RAGGED OL’ FLAG: Johnny Cash wrote this poem in 1975 and it still holds true today. Click HERE.

* -- “PLAY NICE WITH EACH OTHER:” Paul Harvey, the legendary radio voice, once read “A Letter from God.” Click HERE.

* -- OH, THOSE GAINESVILLE COPS: Members of the Gainesville (Fla.) Police Dept. often stop in the city’s poorest neighborhoods to “shoot some hoops” for a few minutes with kids. After they “lost” a pick-up game, they told the kids to “get ready,” they wanted a return game and this time they called in a back-up. CLICK HERE.

* -- I TRUST YOU! My boy Ross goes on a mission seeking others to trust. CLICK HERE.

That Much Good

Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

A Plan For Making City Parks Accessible To Everyone


H.Q., John Cupp, Jim Hammond. As I grew up in Chattanooga, and throughout my 32 years of law practice, the Hamilton County Sheriff's Department and the larger than life men who have served ... (click for more)

These two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. ... (click for more)

As a mayoral candidate, I have a plan for making Chattanooga’s parks and outdoor recreational activities accessible to every Chattanoogan by reconnecting Outdoor Chattanooga with Youth and Family ... (click for more)



Opinion

That Much Good

H.Q., John Cupp, Jim Hammond. As I grew up in Chattanooga, and throughout my 32 years of law practice, the Hamilton County Sheriff's Department and the larger than life men who have served the voters and citizens in that seat have inspired me with their dedication and hard work. From time to time during my career, these gentlemen have coached me, counseled me and taught me. ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

These two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." In the silence that follows, allow me to welcome you to this ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Hamilton County Has 1 More Coronavirus Death, Cases Top 6,000; State Has 9 More Deaths

The Hamilton County Health Department reported on Saturday that the total number of Hamilton County resident deaths has risen one more to 54. Total cases now are 6,031 in Hamilton County, an increase of 104. Tennessee had 9 more deaths bringing the toll to 1,215. There were 1,803 new cases for a total of 120,585. There were 72 more hospitalized to bring that total ... (click for more)

Witnesses Saw Road Rage Killing Of 19-Year-Old Caleb McKean; Got Tag Number Of Mazda Driven By Terry Beard, Who Confessed

Police said several people witnessed the road rage killing of 19-year-old Caleb McKean on Friday afternoon. One got the tag number of the distinctive Mazda driven by the shooter. That let police to 43-year-old Terry Julius Beard, who confessed and has been charged with criminal homicide. At approximately 2:42 p.m., Chattanooga Police responded to a person shot call in ... (click for more)

Sports

Chattanooga FC Falls 2-1 To Michigan Stars

The Michigan Stars scored late in the match for a 2-1 victory over Chattanooga FC on Saturday. It was the start of the fall season of the National Independent Soccer Association. Steven Juncaj broke at 1-1 tie in the 88th minute while hitting an 18-yard shot at Ultimate Soccer Arenas Outdoor Stadium at Pontiac, Mich. After the Stars took the lead, Chattanooga FC had ... (click for more)

Chattanooga FC Strengthens Roster With New Players Before NISA Fall Season

When Chattanooga’s Football Club travels north for the NISA fall conference opener, there will be some new faces on the trip. The club is proud to announce the signing of defender Shaun Russell in addition to last month’s signing of midfielder David Koloko. Here’s a deeper dive into the new players joining the first team: David Koloko: Koloko is a 6’1” midfielder/defender ... (click for more)