Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, August 8, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
These two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

In the silence that follows, allow me to welcome you to this week’s edition of The Saturday Funnies. As our regular readers know, the Funnies are a collection of the fun emails that come our way during the week. We don’t write them but pass them along in the hopes the humor will buoy up as you enjoy the weekend.

Back to the hunters, “As the operator waits, there is a brief silence, then a loud gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Well, now let’s enjoy this week’s collection:

* * *
HERE’S THE WAY SOME KIDS EXPLAIN THE BIBLE

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. if you know the bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious!

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Oh, and incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinness. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
5. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
6. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
7. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
8. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
9. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
10. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
12. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
13. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
14. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
15. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
16. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
17. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
18. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
19. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
20. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
21. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
22. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
23. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
24. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

* * *

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT THE BLONDES?

* -- Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

 

* -- Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

 

* -- A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. she says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

 

* -- A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!'

 

* -- A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor...  'Show me.’ The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise, she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?’ 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

 

* -- A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

 

* -- A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

 

* -- A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

 

And, finally, the award-winner:
* -- A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'   'HELLLOOOOOOO. . .. ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'.

* * *

THE LEGEND OF BUTCH THE ROOSTER

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.  She had several hundred young pullets and 10 roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

 

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells. (If you don't like this one, you're a chicken...... no yolk!)

* * *
THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- Just before the start of June this summer, one of my all-time heart throbs sent out a message you must hear. She’s now 78 years old, still stands 5-feet-four, and has every bit as much moxie as our beloved “Purple Lady,” Sonya Young. See if you can catch the resemblance, and at the end of today’s list of videos, I’ll share her name if you can’t guess. CLICK HERE.

* -- The LA Shag team performs at 2014 Camp Hollywood to the California Feetwarmers’ rendition of “San”. This was at the National Jitterbug Championships. CLICK HERE.

* -- Every day may not be good … but there is a good in every day. CLICK HERE.

* -- People Are Awesome! Here’s proof thus far in 2020 CLICK HERE.

* -- Senior Lifeguard Takes Bathroom Break CLICK HERE.

ANSWER: The darling lady at the piano in our first video is Carole King and, yes, we’ve ‘Still Got a Friend.”
 

Stefanie Dalton - Why I Am Running For Red Bank Commission

No More Gift Cards

Roy Exum: My New Best Friend


My name is Stefanie Dalton, and I am running for the Red Bank Commission District 2 seat. As a resident of Red Bank for almost 10 years and as a mother of one son who recently began attending ... (click for more)

I receive gift cards on special occasions from my family and enjoy them very much as I can make purchases that I could not ordinarily afford. More than once employees of businesses have been ... (click for more)

I have found my instincts for measuring up people have served me well. This isn’t to say I pass judgement on anyone, but I’m pretty good about knowing which ones not to make any eye contact with. ... (click for more)



Opinion

Stefanie Dalton - Why I Am Running For Red Bank Commission

My name is Stefanie Dalton, and I am running for the Red Bank Commission District 2 seat. As a resident of Red Bank for almost 10 years and as a mother of one son who recently began attending one of Red Bank’s public elementary schools, I am not only invested in the growth and success of this town but am passionate about ensuring all of our citizens’ voices are heard. Red Bank deserves ... (click for more)

No More Gift Cards

I receive gift cards on special occasions from my family and enjoy them very much as I can make purchases that I could not ordinarily afford. More than once employees of businesses have been rude when gift cards are presented. On one occasion recently at an antique mall the owner got angry when I asked that he use my gift card before my credit card was charged. He accused me ... (click for more)

Breaking News

TSA Discovers Loaded Firearms At All Major Tennessee Airports In 1 Week

In the span of a week (Sept. 13-20), the Transportation Security Administration discovered eight loaded firearms at security checkpoints in Tennessee, including at least one in every major airport in the state. Nashville International Airport (BNA) 9/14/2020; loaded Sig Sauer .380 caliber 9/17/2020; loaded Sig Sauer .380 caliber 9/17/2020; loaded North American Arms ... (click for more)

Woman Injured When Car Crashes Into The Brainerd Pharmacy Early Monday Morning

A woman was injure early Monday morning when her car crashed into Brainerd Pharmacy. CFD crews worked the accident with an entrapment. The call came in at 5:53 a.m. Squad 13 arrived on the scene and found a vehicle inside the Brainerd Pharmacy. They requested additional companies for manpower and began extrication efforts. The woman was removed from the vehicle after crews ... (click for more)

Sports

UTC Netters Earn 6-0 Doubles Mark At Central Arkansas Invitational

he University of Tennessee at Chattanooga women's tennis team closed out the Central Arkansas Fall Invite with a 6-0 mark in doubles action today. The Mocs finished the first tournament of the season with a 6-3 record in doubles and 12-7 mark in singles. Freshman Jessie Young and junior Bogdana Zaporozhets teamed up a No. 1 to post wins over Louisiana-Monroe and Missouri State. ... (click for more)

McCreadie Denies Owens $30,000 Victory In Nebraska; Marlar Takes $20,059 Home To West Tennessee

Tim McCreadie (# 39) of Watertown, N.Y. beat Tennessean Jimmy Owens with four laps to spare Saturday night to win the I-80 Nationals worth $30,000. T-Mac's ceremoniously beating of his roof top was met by thunderous applause at I-80 Speedway as fans loudly approved of the fist pumped high in the air in Victory Lane. McCreadie was the last of four different race leaders that had ... (click for more)