Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, September 26, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

This week’s Saturday Funnies opens with this riddle: “There is a single-story yellow and pink house and everything is yellow and pink: yellow bricks, yellow doors, yellow windows, yellow walls, a pink cat, a pink fish, a pink computer, a pink chair, a pink table, a pink telephone, a pink shower. So, what color is the staircase?

As you ponder the answer, please know that The Saturday Funnies are a collection of the funny stuff that arrives in our email’s in-basket throughout the week. Our disclaimer is that they are not written by us but presented as received from a multitude of sources. This includes many readers who share the belief that every Saturday morning should include some giggles.

This week’s riddle – what color is the staircase? – is solved in the first five words: “There is a single-story …” That’s right, no single-story house has a staircase! (Note: If you want to see a riddle completely befuddle a cute teenager at the kitchen table, please watch this week’s first “video of the week” at the end of this column.

It is hysterical!)

Let’s go to this week’s Saturday Funnies …

* * *

THE LITTLE KID ASKED, “ARE YOU … “

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winners were:

1.  A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nuthin’ ... I just helped him cry.'

2.  Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted. A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..' 'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child. 'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

3. On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. 'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a smile. 'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.' 'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face... 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet.'

4. Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.  'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: 'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

5. An eye-witness account from New York City: On a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering. With cold. A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!' 'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' came the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.' As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her: 'Are you God's wife?'

* * *

WHY, EXACTLY, DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

POLITICAL CLARITY:  "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hard working American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one??

ME:  to get to the other side??

* * *

THE BRITISH WANT ADS (CLASSICS!)

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

* -- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old, Hateful little (expletive). Bites!

* -- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

* -- FREE PUPPIES: Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

* -- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $100...

* -- WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE: Worn once by mistake. Call Jane

And the WINNER IS …

* -- FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

* The Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

* * *

WHY THE RIOTERS DON’T MESS WITH RETIREMENT VILLAGES

Let’s pretend the rioting in major cities across the U.S. has spread to The Villages, Florida, a retirement community of over 100,000. Looters in Florida’s friendliest hometown have especially broken into stores that sell items like laxatives, vitamins, hearing aids, reading glasses, energy drinks and surgical stockings.

The Seniors were easily caught and arrested since they were using their walkers and golf carts to flee. The protests have been limited to the evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s appointments during the day or rioting would have interfered with their naps.

The marches didn’t last that long because many of the demonstrators had to get home to pee. In many cases, the demonstrators simply forgot why they were even there. Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. but since that’s the time when most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it wasn’t needed.

Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the corona virus.

Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they needed a committee.

* * *

FACE MASKS are the new bra – They are uncomfortable, you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one everybody notices.

* * *

NANCY PELOSI IS MENTIONED IN THE BIBLE!

The car in front of me had a bumper sticker on it.

It read: “Pray for Nancy Pelosi.  Psalm 109:8.”

So when I got home, I grabbed my Bible and read, “Let her days be few and brief; And let others step forward to replace her.”

At last! I can voice a Biblical prayer for our Speaker of The House!

Let us bow our heads and pray.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- If you have never had a teenage daughter, then you don’t know who can dominate dinner at the kitchen table. This will make any parent laugh hysterically because, brother, they’ve been there. CLICK HERE.

* -- Alright, if you have a teenage daughter, here’s how a dad gets even in just 30 seconds! CLICK HERE.

* -- Here’s a girl who wants to sell her brother to a pet store so she can buy an owl. CLICK HERE.

* -- Turn up your speakers as the Texas Tenors nail this one. CLICK HERE.

* -- Here is what happened when a black activist against police brutality went through a class with the police department on use-of-force/ CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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