Roy Exum
THANKSGIVING ONE-LINERS
* -- If your grandmother saw you making instant mashed potatoes she would turn over in her gravy.
* -- I looked in the oven and asked my mom where the turkey was. She said, “He's watching TV.”
* -- My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, so I quit cold turkey.
* -- The difference between a female and a male turkey is the male is the one with the TV remote.
* -- Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape … to play Santa Claus.
* -- Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to become the US national animal.
He thought the eagle had a “bad moral character”.
* -- Last year I went to buy a live turkey for Thanksgiving. I couldn't buy the one I wanted, it had just been elected to Congress.
* -- About two weeks into November, the head turkey turns to his second-in-command and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down. The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
* -- I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I ran them off and took their land.
* -- Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. Other shoppers at the supermarket were upset.
* -- A cannibal came home late to dinner. He got the cold shoulder.
* -- How do you keep a turkey in suspense? I'll tell you next Saturday.
* -- Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 20 minutes. Football game half-times take 20 minutes. This is not coincidence.
* -- I bought a live turkey the day after Thanksgiving, I named him Lucky.
* -- Why did the turkey cross the road? He wanted people to think he was a chicken.
* -- The difference between turkeys and chickens is chickens celebrate Thanksgiving.
* * *
THE DIVORCE BEFORE THANKSGIVING
A father in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, 'I am sorry to tell you but your mother and I are getting a divorce. I just cannot take any more of her moaning. We can't stand the sight of each other.' I am telling you first, Eddie, because you are the oldest, please tell your sister.
When Eddie calls his sister Julie, she says: 'No way are they getting divorced. Julie phones her father and tells him 'You must not get divorced.
‘Promise you won't do anything until Eddie and I get there tomorrow.’ The father puts down the phone and turns to his wife and says, ‘Good news' … 'Eddie and Julie are coming for Thanksgiving.'
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TURKEY HUNTING IS A FAMILY TRADITION
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing turkeys."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it.
How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!
How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!!
Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
* * *
ONE GUY’S CURE FOR THE HICCUPS
A guy goes to the doctor, “Do you have something against a persistent hiccup?”
The doctor gives him a huge slap in the face and says, “Yes. Sorry, this is the best treatment.”
The guy holds his cheek and says, “Okay, but it’s actually my wife who’s got the issue!"
* * *
A milking stool has only three legs because the cow has the udder.
* * *
WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS AND NOT WIVES
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
* * *
A man had just got his car stuck in a during a drive in the country and he needed help getting it out. So he walked until he found a farm and asked the farmer for help. The farmer agrees to help the guy out. So he takes a horse out of the stable and leads him to the car. The farmer then ties a harness around the horse and the other end to the car.
The farmer yells, "Pull, Sandy!"
The horse just stands there.
The farmer yells, "Come on now, pull Twister!"
The horse once again just stands there.
Finally the farmer yells, "Ok dang it, PULL RANGER! You're just standing there!"
The horse springs forward and with all the strength he has, he pulls the car out of the ditch and onto the roadside.
The man thanks the farmer many times, but before leaving the farmer why he yelled out names of horses that weren't there.
The farmer just smiles and replies, "Oh, you see Ranger there is completely blind and a lazy horse. He wasn't going to pull if he thought he was the only one trying."
* * *
THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
* -- The Best Jewish Proverbs and Sayings CLICK HERE.
* -- The Doctor at Walmart Gave Him 3 Months To Live CLICK HERE.
* -- “See You Again” - Anthony Evans CLICK HERE.
* -- 100 Men Sing “You’ll Never Walk Along” CLICK HERE.
* -- “Using Just The Black Keys …” -- Over 13 Million Have Watched This CLICK HERE.
* -- Lt. Columbo (Peter Falk) Roasts Frank Sinatra (1978) CLICK HERE.
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