Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, May 15, 2021 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

OVERHEARD: Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. Observe the following examples below:

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass.

Instead, the ads said that "It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed, "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

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This Week’s Riddles

1. I have married many women throughout my life, but I have none for myself. Who am I?

2. Imagine being captured and kept in a pitch-dark room with two guards outside. How would you escape without anyone noticing?

3. Peter wears shirts sized XXL and weighs 240 pounds. He has an assistant at his butcher shop who wears shirts sized XXXL. What does Peter’s assistant weigh?

4. How many of each animal was Moses instructed to take into the ark before the great flood?

5. When moving forward I am very heavy. You cannot lift me with your hands. But when moving backward, I am not. What am I?

6. Think! It is greater than God and all supreme beings / It is more evil and influential than Satan / The poor people have lots of it at any given time / The super-rich need it too. / But if you live on it, you surely will die. What is it?

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OUR DISCLAIMER: As our Saturday Funnies regulars know, we do not write the riddles, nor the jokes seen here every Saturday. No, they are included among the funny emails people share with us on email. So, if you happen across a funny, allow us to share in the laughter. Kindly remember younger folks are among our readers so please be mindful to make the laughter suitable for any age.

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This Week’s Answers

1. A Catholic father.

2. Stop Imagining.

3. Peter’s assistant weighs meat at the butcher shop

4. None. (The story is about Noah and the ark, and not Moses and the ark)

5. Ton (now spell it backwards)

6. Nothing … absolutely nothing

* * *

LOOKING FORWARD TO THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON.

Let’s do a little recap of the season past…

Alabama beat Arkansas, and Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee and Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope was irate.

Alabama beat Auburn and Auburn fired their coach.

How do we get the White House to play ‘Bama?

* * *

THE PERFECT GIFT

Every time Larry gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a rotten gift it was. "Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"

A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only two small boxes.

She opened the first box; it was a box of matches.

She opened the second gift. It was a candle.

* * *

YES! I AM THE GREATEST!

A 12-year-old boy was in his back yard with his bat and ball. “I'm the greatest batter of all time” he said.

He threw the ball into the air, swung. Strike one.

“I'm the greatest batter of all time”

He threw the ball into the air, swung. Strike two.

“I'm the greatest batter of all time”

He threw the ball into the air, swung. Strike three.

Undaunted, he yelled: “I'm the greatest pitcher of all time!”

* * *

THE FOSSIL … PLUS FOUR

While touring a museum, the tour guide said that a fossil we were looking at was three million and 4 years old.

When asked how he could be so specific with the date, he replied. “When I came here I was told it was three million years old and I've been here 4 years.

* * *

A LITTLE BOY SAYS HIS PRAYERS

A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers,

"Dear God, please bless Mommy and Daddy and Granny and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep."

Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget I want a bicycle for my birthday!!"

"There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't hard of hearing."

"No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is."

* * *

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY DARLING DAUGHTER

A mother told her daughter who was turning 32 not to get too excited about her birthday party since it would be very short.

The daughter said, But mom, “I've had a party every year since I was born, why will this one be short?”

The mother replied, "This is your thirty-second party … "

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- From the movie ‘Lonesome Dove:’ “I think we’ve found our man!” CLICK HERE.

* -- Every high school graduate should memorize “IF.” Sir Michael Caine’s favorite, and mine, too! CLICK HERE.

* -- Yankees great Reggie Jackson tells his favorite Yogi Berra story. CLICK HERE.

* -- The best catches in baseball! CLICK HERE.

* -- Best Bo Jackson Highlights … ever! CLICK HERE.

* -- D-Day Veterans speak out on the accuracy of the movie, ‘Saving Private Ryan’ CLICK HERE.

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royexum@aol.com


Take Care Of Our Elderly

CPD Lawsuit, Mr. James And 2 Juveniles

Juneteenth 2021: Freedom’s Dawn


The news of the cruelty to the elderly in the news, a few days ago, was disgusting. As a former employee of a well known home for the elderly in Chattanooga, I cannot imagine how this all came ... (click for more)

As unpopular as I know this opinion will be, here it is for what it's worth. For anyone interested in the minutiae of law enforcement the preferred response in policy of both CPD and the Sheriff's ... (click for more)

On June 15, 2021, the United States Senate unanimously passed the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act which would, “amend title 5, United States Code, to designate Juneteenth National Independence ... (click for more)



Opinion

Take Care Of Our Elderly

The news of the cruelty to the elderly in the news, a few days ago, was disgusting. As a former employee of a well known home for the elderly in Chattanooga, I cannot imagine how this all came about. There was no air conditioning anywhere except the office, how convenient. All of the employees walked out, except one. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior goes on, more than ... (click for more)

CPD Lawsuit, Mr. James And 2 Juveniles

As unpopular as I know this opinion will be, here it is for what it's worth. For anyone interested in the minutiae of law enforcement the preferred response in policy of both CPD and the Sheriff's Office is to call the parents of juveniles unless the infraction is severe, like felony severe. Put yourself in the officer's shoes and decide, based on what you have been told by radio, ... (click for more)

Breaking News

1 Dies After 2-Vehicle Crash Early Thursday Morning At Hixson Pike And Thrasher Pike

One person died in a crash involving two vehicles on Hixson Pike early Thursday morning. At approximately 6:30 a.m., Hamilton County Sheriff's Office deputies responded to the Hixson Pike and Thrasher Pike intersection for the report of a motor vehicle crash. Upon arrival, deputies and emergency services personnel located a crash involving two vehicles. There has been ... (click for more)

Historic Zoning Panel Allows 1 New Hillside Home In St. Elmo, Rejects One Beside It

The Chattanooga Historic Zoning Commission, after hours of discussion on Thursday, approved one new home on a steep hillside in St. Elmo, but rejected a similar one that was to have gone in beside it. Watchtower Investments initially wanted three identical large new homes clustered together between Tennessee Avenue and Seneca Avenue near Forest Hill Cemetery. The Community ... (click for more)

Sports

Vol Fans Invited To College World Series Watch Party Sunday At Lindsey Nelson Stadium

Tennessee Athletics is celebrating the baseball team's College World Series berth by hosting a "Big Orange Watch Party" Sunday at Lindsey Nelson Stadium during the Volunteers' opening game against Virginia. Admission is free for all fans. The stadium's front gate opens at 1 p.m. ET, and first pitch is set for 2 p.m. ET. Free parking is available in the G16 garage and all other ... (click for more)

Vols’ Johnson Claims Choo Choo Title

As he walked off the final hole at Council Fire Golf Club Wednesday afternoon, unaware that he had an insurmountable lead to win the Chattanooga Choo Choo Invitational, Tyler Johnson was suddenly caught off guard by an impromptu recognition of his victory. Tournament director Chris Schmidt asked a member of his staff to blast a loud rendition of “Rocky Top” from nearby speakers, ... (click for more)