Roy Exum
SOME DANDY ONE-LINERS
* -- Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.
* -- Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied "you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?" I am now blocked.
* -- Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers ... if you do find one, what's your plan?
* -- I still have a full deck...
I just shuffle slower.
* -- Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.
* -- I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.
* -- Covid-19 Fact: 87% of gym members don't even know their gym is closed.
* -- I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.
* -- My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
* -- If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they are a drug dealer. There's no other explanation for that type of income.
* -- After a year of this pandemic, I'm either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.
* -- The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah let only animals on the boat.
* -- Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. Others age like milk ... they get sour and chunky.
* -- Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, bacon-less years.
* -- We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.
* * *
BRAD HAS SIMPLY HAD ENOUGH
Brad lives in California. He was sick of the world, of COVID-19, of Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines. In short, he was despondent.
Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle. He simply couldn't take it anymore.
Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.
A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
Brad is a registered California Democrat.
* * *
TALK ABOUT ‘HEAVY BAGGAGE’
My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.
"The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don't want to put up with it," she explained.
Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."
* * *
AT THE MARRIAGE SEMINAR
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." They were then asked to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the heck is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the (expletive) did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??
* * *
WILLIAM PENN ADAIR ROGERS
He was an American stage and film actor, vaudeville performer, cowboy, humorist, newspaper columnist, and social commentator from Oklahoma. Rogers was born to a Cherokee family in Indian Territory. As an entertainer and humorist, he traveled around the world three times, made 71 films and wrote more than 4,000 nationally syndicated newspaper columns.
By the mid-1930s, Rogers was hugely popular in the United States for his leading political wit and was the highest paid of any Hollywood film star. He died in 1935 with aviator Wiley Post when their small airplane crashed in northern Alaska. (From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)
Will Rogers Quotes:
I am not a member of an organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.
My ancestors didn’t come over on the Mayflower, but they met ‘em at the boat.
The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.
If stupidity got us in this mess, how come it can't get us out.
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.
Common sense ain't common.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
* * *
THE MENTAL DEFICIENCY TEST
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three voyages around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?
“I must confess I don't know much about history."
* * *
WHAT IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY?
A married couple was having a conversation.
The husband asked his wife: "If I ever win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife's respond was: "I would take half and leave you!"
The husband said: "Well, you're in luck - I won the lottery! So, here's $25 now get outta here!"
* * *
CUTTING TIMBER IN THE SAHARA FOREST
A Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his ax, and knocked on the manager's door.
The manager took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant oak over there?" said the manager.
"Take your ax and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the manager's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the manager.
"Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
* * *
THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
* -- What Nick Saban Said About Kirby Smart After National Title Game CLICK HERE.
* -- Johnny Mathis - An Affair To Remember CLICK HERE.
* -- Tuba Skinny - Storyville Blues - French Quarter Fest 2017 CLICK HERE.
* -- The Man Who Can – Edgar A. Guest CLICK HERE.
* -- Sound of Silence - Dana Winner, Simon and Garfunkel CLICK HERE.
* -- Bronze Cowboy's way of spreading laughter CLICK HERE.
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