Ferris Robinson
My last driver’s license picture was one of the worst photos of myself ever. At least I hope it was. I was sweaty and my hair was more horrible than usual. My lips were nonexistent (again, more so than usual) and my flat eyes looked pissed off. A mug shot of a meth dealer comes to mind, but my father said, “That’s a really good picture of you.” I wish I could say he had been joking.
For years, each time I showed my ID, “I gushed, ‘It’s a really bad picture of me!”’ as the clerk glanced up at me for verification, immediately finding it.
I felt like I needed to explain the horrible picture, but apparently I didn’t.
A few years ago, I moved from Georgia to Tennessee so I had the opportunity to get a new glamor shot for my license. I slathered on concealer, teased my limp hair, coated my lips with some fiery hot pepper enhancing concoction that stung and outlined my eyes with liner to make them somewhat pronounced. Mascara, hair spray and eye shadow followed. On the way to the DMV, I could barely take my eyes off my reflection in the rear view mirror.
I arrived at the DMV on the coldest morning of the year, actually skidding though ice on the way. Smug, I knew that would work in my favor, certain that most folks had more sense and would opt to stay home. As it was the height of flu season, I rationalized that most would stay away for that reason, as well.
I was wrong. There was standing room only in the DMV, and people lined the walls, several holding their heads in their hands in despair.
Chirpy, I approached the woman at the counter, thinking I might sail right through since I was probably one of the few people moving from out of state. Wrong on that count. She directed me to take a number (A-19) at an automated kiosk that took me a while to figure out. I was challenged by Redbox, too.
I leaned against the wall and tried to look perky. They called K-19 and I put my head in my hands as I realized they had to go all the way to letter Z before calling my number. But I was greatly encouraged when they seemed to only be calling A, K and D! However, I realized that blip of cheer was all for naught. The numbers rarely moved – they seemed slower than molasses on a freezing cold day.
I wondered what my chances were of actually being arrested for driving with an out-of-state license. Jail time probably would have been quicker. After an hour, they called my number, checked my paperwork, and gave me another number, A-35. I scored a chair, and sat for another hour before my number was called. She simply checked my paperwork again to make sure it was all in order and sent me back to my seat, which had been taken.
I leaned against a wall for another hour and a half, right next to a man hacking away without even attempting to cover his mouth. In an effort not to put my hands in my mouth, I just rested my head in them, not concerned with mussing my hair.
Three hours and 15 minutes after I grasped my paper tab printed with A-15, they called A-35. This is no embellishment. I rushed to the counter, ready to get on the other side of this experience. I didn’t need to check the mirror. I knew my mascara had run under my eyes, my hair was matted flat down on my head, my lips had vanished, and I looked murderous. If they could convict based on mug shots only, I would be behind bars.
In hindsight, I’m glad the woman behind the counter said that on second thought, my paperwork was not in order after all. And I needed to start all over, from my birth certificate on to present day. Apparently she just checked it every hour for the pleasure of telling me it was lacking when she called my final number.
So, I am back to square one. A-19 if you will. The only good news is that there may be another chance to get that glamor shot for my ID.
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Ferris Robinson is the author of three children’s books, “The Queen Who Banished Bugs,” “The Queen Who Accidentally Banished Birds,” and “Call Me Arthropod” in her pollinator series. “Making Arrangements” is her first novel. “Dogs and Love - Stories of Fidelity” is a collection of true tales about man’s best friend. Her website is ferrisrobinson.com and you can download a FREE pollinator poster there. She is the editor of The Lookout Mountain Mirror and The Signal Mountain Mirror.