I have written dozens of obituaries in my life and eulogized many people. I am not ashamed to admit I think I am good at it and I am flattered when a friend’s family approaches me to ask for my help. I have written a number of obituaries on those who are still alive who want to “proof-read” what will be turned into the funeral home and I have honored death-bed requests that this point be added, or this incident be omitted.

It’s all about the ‘dash’; that symbolic sign between the birth date and the end date, i.e. “1949 – 2021.” Tell me what happened during your “dash,” or during the time you spent on earth, and we’ll honor your passing with dignity.

In almost every instance, things like divorce, bankruptcy, attempted murder, and similar life events, albeit factual, are omitted from funeral notices.

And if the deceased had family disputes, mental illness, a lengthy history of tape worm, or was asked to leave a certain church those are never mentioned. Nope, every obituary should be all roses, which brings us to the life of a lady in Ringgold, Mrs. Mary Frances Green.

The chances are huge you missed reading Mrs. Green’s obituary in Friday’s Chattanoogan.com and that’s a shame. “Miss Mary Frances” will have her remains blessed and buried this afternoon but among the mourners will be a somewhat devilish soul I’d love to enlist to write my obituary. I can assure Mrs. Green’s life was cascaded with laughter, that joy ran rampant in her life, and rather than achievement and accolades, her life was chock full of merriment.  How grand is that! Her obituary proves it.

Here is her obituary … again taken from Friday’s Chattanoogan.com … as delivered by the Turner Family Funeral home:

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ENJOYED BOWLING AND TRIPS TO THE CASINO

Mary Francis Green, 73, of Ringgold, Georgia, passed away peacefully on May 11, 2022, surrounded by her loved ones.

She enjoyed bowling and trips to the casino. One of her favorite things to do was stay up all night chain smoking and reminiscing about the good ol’ days. She enjoyed working at Dustex for the Lovell family. Her co-worker and partner in crime, Dean Webb, was an astonishing friend and the friendship lasted over many decades.

The last 11 years of Mrs. Green’s life (were) spent enjoying every moment she could spend with her granddaughter, Kalie Wilson. Words cannot express the love Mrs. Green had for Kalie. Mrs. Green provided for all her family’s needs, including loaning money and bonding about every living survivor out of jail.

She was preceded in death by her husband, Kenneth Green.  She once tried to run his van through Kermit’s Bar, with him inside the bar. 

She was also preceded in death by her parents, Marvin Sr. and Katherine Wilson; brothers, Butch Wilson and Robert Wilson, and cousin, Steve Altum.

Mrs. Green may have never multiplied, BUT was survived by thugs. 

Survivors include her brother, Billy Wilson Sr., Billy Wilson Jr., Eric Wilson (has a job), Toby Wilson (has a job), Mark Wilson (allergic to sweat), and Ashley Wilson (can’t get-right), Kimberly Mooneyham (never been right). The few that weren’t thugs include: Kalie Wilson, Annabella Wilson, Harlee Wilson, Chance Wilson, and a dear friend who was there till the end, Andrea Brandon.

The family will receive friends on Sunday, May 15, from 11 a.m.– 2 p.m. at Turner Funeral Home at Highway 58.  A funeral service will follow at 2 p.m. in the chapel with Pastor Randy Teem officiating.

Mrs. Green will be laid to rest in Lakewood Memory Gardens East on Monday, May 16, at 2 p.m., after a short committal service.

Please share your memories and express condolences at www.turnerfamilyfuneralhome.com

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Are you kidding me? Heaven’s journey ought to include sparklers. And the sign of a great obituary is when the reader wishes the deceased had come their way. Oh, how I wish I’d have met “Miss Mary Francis.”

royexum@aol.com