How do we know whether we can continue living independently or if it’s time to move in with a child or move to a senior community?
At a certain time in life there is a role reversal between aging parents and adult children. How do we decide when that is?
Eventually we must ask ourselves whether our independence is more important than our safety. It’s a personal decision that no one can make for us—not our families or our friends.
A friend of mine moved from an independent apartment in a senior community to the assisted living unit because her family insisted she’d be better off.
They were worried about her falling and lying on the floor for hours. And they worried if she needed assistance, no one would be available to help. The family wanted guarantees she’d be safe. Having worked in senior communities for many years, I could have told them there are no guarantees.
My friend wanted to keep the peace so she complied with the family’s wishes, even though she wasn’t happy about it, and she quickly found the assisted living unit was not the place for her. She didn’t fit in. Many of the residents were cognitively challenged, which she was not, so she had no one to converse with. Also, in spite of some mobility issues, she wanted to be independent with her ADLs (activities of daily living) and rarely asked for or needed assistance.
So when my friend’s family went out of town, she made a decision: Without consulting anyone, she hired a moving company and transferred back to her independent apartment.
She was not ready for someone else to make decisions about how she lived her life. Good for her!
But how do we know when it is time for someone to take over our affairs—to pay our bills, determine where we live and how we live?
Will I recognize when I require assistance or will I stubbornly hold onto my independence even when my safety is in question? And how should children of stubbornly independent individuals react?
When our kids were very young, we made all the decisions. We might ask if they wanted to wear the blue shirt or the green one, but we made the important decisions—when it was time for shots, when bedtime was, when they should wear seatbelts, and “no, you cannot play in the street.”
As they grew into adolescence, we hoped the values we instilled would help them make good decisions, and we became less directive. Of course, they made many poor choices on their path to adulthood, but at a certain age we had little control over their decisions.
When they became adults and made all their own decisions, some were wrong ones, but more often they made good ones. If we were lucky, they continued to ask our advice about tricky situations, but we didn’t give advice unless they asked or unless there was danger afoot: If they or their children were being abused, for example, or if they were abusing drugs.
I liken the journey to adulthood to our journey into old-age. In our 70s, 80s, maybe 90s, we make all our own decisions. At a certain point we’ll be in the adolescence of old age, still making our own decisions, but also making mistakes and perhaps needing some help or advice. For example, if I have a medical concern, I ask my daughter or son-in-law (both in healthcare) whether it warrants a trip to the doctor.
So what are some signs we may need help making decisions?
• We’re having trouble keeping our medications straight or forgetting to take them;
• While driving, we forget where we are or where we’re going, or are involved in fender-benders;
• We can no longer balance our checkbook or we forget to pay bills;
• We consistently miss appointments; or
• Our balance is poor and we fall frequently (although we may simply require therapy for strengthening).
It’s hard to admit we need assistance, and it’s embarrassing when our children take over, but sooner or later, if we live a long time, we will be faced with the reality that we need help. Hopefully, we can accept the assistance with grace.
At this stage of life, I listen to my children (who are in their 50s) when they offer advice. It is often good counsel (my daughter frequently tells me what to eat to be healthy), but I still make up my own mind about whether to follow her advice.
One day my daughter found me standing on a chair changing a lightbulb. She said, “Mom, you shouldn’t be climbing like that.”
I told her I’d been climbing on chairs for over 75 years and saw no reason to stop, “If I begin having balance problems, I’ll reconsider.”
Those of you who are caregivers of someone with cognitive decline know the challenge of trying to balance the loved one’s need for independence with your need to protect them from harming themselves. That’s a whole different story. They still have rights, but also need guidance.
But as we age, if our mental acuity is intact, we can determine for ourselves when help is required or when we should move into a place with more safeguards.
And it’s up to our children to respect our decisions even if they don’t like them—just like we had to respect their wishes as they entered adulthood.
No, there is no 100 percent guarantee that older adults will be safe on their own, just as there were no guarantees our teenagers would be safe.
Because there are no guarantees in life. We just have to do the best we can—and pray.
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Diana Walters retired from paid employment at age 76. Now 77, she is again working half-time, volunteering, writing and spending time with her husband. She believes we all need a purpose to get up every day and not having one is the downfall of many a senior. One of Diana’s purposes is working on this weekly column. She enjoys hearing from readers and can be reached at dianalwalters@comcast.net.