Best of Grizzard- Living Alone

  • Friday, February 16, 2024
  • Jerry Summers

The love life of Lewis Grizzard (1947-1994) through three marriages prior to his death and his experiences of being without in-resident female companionship is reported in “Won't You Come Home Billy Bob Bailey?” (1980 Peachtree Publishers) in the appropriate titled on living alone, which unfortunately informs the readers therein a non-complete life history of LG with ladies. LG first gives his highly scientific analysis of why a red blooded American adult would prefer the solitary life:

"I can think of at least three reasons for that:

1. People are waiting ting around longer before they get married.

2. Those who didn't wait around to get married are getting divorced in droves.

3. Maybe there are more nerdy-type people who can't find anybody who will live with them.

I am sort of an expert on all this because I live alone. I could go into details as to why, but that isn't really necessary. Just check somewhere between aforementioned reasons-for-living-alone "2" and "3."

He proceeds to convey from a male viewpoint why an individual would assume the life of a hermit and describe some advantages:

“1. People who live alone can leave their underwear lying. around all over the floor.

2. There are never any arguments over what to watch on television. If you live alone, you can even watch "The Dating Game," and who will know?

3. The phone is always for you.

4. You never have to hear, "Honey, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about," when Dallas is fourth-and- one on the Washington two-yard line.

5. If you find a hair in your soup, you know for certain whose it is.”

After a scholarly dissertation on the topic of underwear, he reaches the conclusion based on his non Gallup Poll findings on Fox News and CNN broadcast that “people who live alone tend to die younger than others”. (Bad news for divorced folks in their 80s.)

LGs candid and forward thinking column was quick to point out other problems from lonely bachelors(ettes, etc.):

1. “Toilet paper and fresh towels don't grow in the bathroom. Strange green things do if you don't clean it, however.

2. Light bulbs. Light bulbs will drive you crazy. They are always burning out. You have to take the time from your busy schedule to go out and BUY more light bulbs and then bring them home and screw them in. That alone can take years off your life.

3. Food. You live alone, you try cooking for yourself. You cook for yourself, you can get poisoned, and then there are the dishes. You don't cook, you eat a lot of heat-and-serve Mexican dinners, which annually kill thousands of men who live alone.

4. Beer cans. Who is going to throw his/her own beer cans in the garbage? Let me tell you something about beer cans. You leave a couple of empty beer cans around, and the next time you look there will be four beer cans, and then eight, and, pretty soon, you are up to your eyeballs in empty beer cans. If you are about to strike out alone, big boy (girl, etc.) , I don't mean to frighten you with this, so to soften the blow, maybe I should offer one more advantage to living by yourself: If you do happen to die young, maybe the end will come before you finally have to break down and change your sheets."

(Said words of wisdom may equally apply to those who have never enjoyed marital bliss of one or several marriages/divorces like LG.)

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Jerry Summers
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