Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, July 6, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

On a weekend where every dog in just as many neighborhoods laughs with each other, all confirming they weren’t scared of the Fourth-of-July’s “incoming! firecrackers,” we must begin this week’s Saturday Funnies with a sour note: After 67 years, MAD magazine has confirmed this year’s August edition will be its last – the Internet has dealt the death knell to Alfred E. Neuman and the wonderful humor that raised at least two generations. Oh, you’ll still see the year-end Hall of Fame and special commemorative editions, but the monthly version had to end sometime.

Incidentally, the Arkansas Times-Democrat is now publishing just one newspaper – Sunday only -- and giving current subscribers free iPads to read the online edition every day. Other newspapers the world over are watching this experiment, and while most of the early predictions are negative, everybody has sensed this day was coming and let’s not forget the Arkansas owner, Walter Hussman, also owns the Chattanooga Times FreePress.

No greater example that there is online success for news is Chattanoogan.com. It has no relation nor connections with the Times Free Press in any way yet the print liberal elites refuse to identify Chattanoogan.com in any way, calling it simply “an online news source.” I can remember when the former Chattanooga Times refused to acknowledge, in type, the Chattanooga News-Free Press, calling it as only “another Chattanooga news source."

I can also remember being just one of four in a room when the Chattanooga Times, admitting they had spent over $35 million of New York Times money in hopeless folly, totally surrendered with its tail tucked between its shaky back legs. On that very day, “another Chattanooga news source” became, “Where would you prefer I sit, sir?” after a terse side whisper, “Thank you for insisting we keep our jobs ... you are an answer to many prayers.”

Ah, but I digress … loyal readers of the Saturday Funnies recognize that I do not write The Saturday Funnies; I simply collect the ones that are sent to me over e-mail during the week and pass along those I hope are not offensive. Here are the best of this week:

* * *

DID SIR LANCELOT KNOW TO TRUST HIS OWN WISDOM?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question? What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.  He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of The Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: “What a woman really wants,” she answered, “is to be in charge of her own life.”

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day … or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

So, now … upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

And, the moral to this story …

Scroll down

The moral is ...

If you don't let a woman have her own way ...

Things are going to get ugly!

* * *

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE HOLY LAND SHOULD STAY IN THE HOLY LAND

A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law dies.

So, the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.

“We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”

The husband says, “Look, over 2,000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

* * *

AN OBITUARY PRINTED IN THE LONDON TIMES (ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT)

This obituary was published several years ago in the London Times and still regarded as an all-time classic …

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

* -- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

* -- Why the early bird gets the worm;

* -- Life isn't always fair;

* -- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; by his wife, Discretion; by his daughter, Responsibility and, by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepchildren:

* -- I Know My Rights

* -- I Want It Now

* -- Someone Else Is To Blame

* -- I'm A Victim

* -- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

* * *

THE REAL-LIFE TRUTH ABOUT MOTHER’S DAY

On Mothers Day, the mother of three little kids was showered with kisses, hugs, cheerios for breakfast in bed, dandelions from the yard, and crayon drawings. As much as she loved it, all the activity made the house a bigger mess than usual. After a long day, she finally got the kids in bed. All she wanted to do was clean up and relax.

She put on an old gown from the back of the closet, went into the bathroom and coated her face with thick, white facial cream. Then she started washing her hair.

But the kids were not settling down. She could hear them talking, giggling, jumping on the beds. Finally, in exasperation she wrapped her head in a towel, ran into their bedroom and sternly told them to calm down and go to sleep.

After she left, she overheard the youngest one ask, “Who was that?”

* * *

BEST VIDEO OF THE WEEK – Glenn Draper, aptly described as the greatest choir master in the South, had a special song that he and the Chattanooga First Presbyterian Church Choir had finally perfected. It was so important Glenn’s wife and two songs came from out of town. Many of his best graduates volunteered and, to this day, Draper’s skill was never better when his choir sang Lee Greenwood’s triumphant “God Bless The USA.” Minutes after the service ended Draper and singers were darned near mobbed but … wait … up walked a stranger in boots and cowboy fittings. With tears freely flowing down his face, he told Glenn, “I have waited for years to hear the song finally done as I have envisioned. You, sir, just did exactly that … Glenn … my name is Lee Greenwood.” And Lee Greenwood was among those in attendance at Dr. Draper's funeral at First Pres. When Dr. Draper died last month and choirs of angels trumpeted high about the clouds … I suspect there might have been the slightest, yet still notable, before some rich baritone voice finally began to guide Greenwood’s voice towards its crescendo:

(To sing along with Lee Greenwood, CLICK HERE)

“ … And I'm proud to be an American,

Where at least I know I'm free.

And I wont forget the men who died,

Who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,

Next to you and defend her still today.

Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,

God bless the USA!

* * *

royexum@aol.com


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