Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Friday, September 6, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

It is rumored – but unsubstantiated -- that  researchers at Cambridge University have concluded that it doesn't matter what order the letters of a word are in; as long as the first and last letters are in the proper place, you can scramble the rest of the word however you like, and it's still readable. As the Saturday Funnies investigated the phenomenon, let’s try it with this spell-checker nightmare:

“Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.”

Intrigued? The Mother Nature Network offers this explanation: “Research has revealed that when we hear a sound that leads us to expect another sound, the brain reacts as if we're already hearing that second sound.” The brain reacts in a similar way to an arrangement of letters or words. As your brain deciphered each word in the example above, it also predicted which words would logically come next to form a coherent sentence.

Another example: “A vheclie epxledod at a plocie cehckipont near the UN haduqertares in Bagahdd on Mnoday kilinlg the bmober and an Irqai polcie offceir.” "We are continuously anticipating what we will see, hear or feel next," Dr. Lars Muckli, a researcher at the University of Glasgow's Institute of Neuroscience and Psychology told Phys.org.

Now try this one: “Remember our dmsicaleir. The Sadturay Fnieuns are not wtirten by Roy Euxm, but are ccloteled diurng the week form the eilmas and sotiers taht are shread wtih him ecah day. We thnik The Saurdtay Feunnis shulod be an Acmieran spatle, aaedrly gonig bcak for gnoteiarnes. So, let's tkae a look at tihs week's buuoeqt and thakns to DtiaecTolughswll.com for tihs iihgnst. [DouglasTwichell.com]

* * *

A LATINO IN TEXAS WANTS TO HELP

The Immigration "Round-Up" has created a flurry of activity in local and national media and we hear many stories that break your heart. Here's one story I found very touching, I'm sure you will too.

Latinos in Texas say they are worried by the crackdown on immigration and the potential impact on their families. Seeking some relief from this terrible situation, one local Latino man posted this note on the White House website:

"I'm terrified that President Trump is going to deport my Latino mother-in-law who is here illegally and lives at 1801 3rd Street, San Antonio, TX 78206. It's the blue house on the corner. She gets home from work and shopping about 6:00 pm."

* * *

AUTHENTICATED! THE WORST FIRST DATE EVER

This might be the worst date in Tinder history. Or the worst date in history, period. Two Brits were on a first date when the woman reportedly went to use her date's bathroom, only to soon find herself in that most terrifying situation: Her poo wouldn't flush. So she allegedly went with plan B: removing the poop, wrapping it in toilet paper, tossing it out the window, and, perhaps less explicitly, telling date Liam Smith what she just did.

As Smith explains in a GoFundMe campaign (more on that in just a minute), "I was understandably concerned," but suggested they go outside, retrieve it, put it in the trash, and "pretend the whole sorry affair had never happened." But the plan was thwarted by a "design quirk" in which the bathroom window was made up of two non-opening windows—and the feces was stuck in there. And, soon, so was she.

You see, Smith's date decided to climb in head-first from the top of the window and reach to the bottom to retrieve the poo. Which, amazingly, she reportedly did. But then she found herself stuck—and ultimately had to be rescued by firefighters, who broke the window in the process. Smith took to GoFundMe in a quest to raise some of the funds needed for what he says is about a $400 replacement cost.

He has nearly raised $2,500 and says the excess will be split between a charity that brings toilets to the developing world and a firefighters charity.

For the skeptical, Avon Fire and Rescue service did confirm to the BBC that it rescued a woman trapped between two windows, with the Telegraph confirming the call was made regarding Smith's address at 10:41 p.m. on Aug. 7. Smith posted photos documenting the ordeal on what Gizmodo has christened "the world's best GoFundMe." (Or is this the worst first date ever?)

* * *

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER FORGET AN ANNIVERSARY

Fred was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Fred got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Fred has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

* * *

SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS FOR A RANDOM SATURDAY.

* -- A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

* -- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

* -- Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

* -- Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

* -- When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

* -- My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

* -- Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

* -- When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.

* * *

THOSE FUNNY ANNOUNCEMENTS IN THE CHURCH BULLETINS

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

* -- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

* -- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* -- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

* -- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

* -- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

* -- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* -- Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* -- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* -- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* -- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* -- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

* -- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

* -- Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

* -- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* -- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* -- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* -- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

* -- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* -- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up …

* -- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

* * *

DEXTER STOPS AT THE FARMER’S CO-OP

I was picking up some bailing twine at the Farmer’s Co-Op this week when I saw my pal Dexter in the parking lot. Listen to this …

He told me, “I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

“That bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him,” said Dex just as he winked, “... but they kind of taste like peppermint.”

* * *

THE JONESES VISIT THE A WACKY FOREIGN JAIL

The Joneses were travelling with Mrs. Jones' mother in a far away country when the mother-in-law made a careless remark, insulting the native royal family. They were arrested, convicted, and sentenced to 50 lashes with a cane.

To show their magnanimity, the royal family granted the guests one wish before their beating. "Mrs. Jones, what is your wish?" "Before my beating, bind a pillow to my bottom." "It is granted."

But the pillow was small, and the executioner missed it a few times, hitting her and causing great pain.

Next they asked the mother-in-law for her wish. "Before my beating, bind a pillow to my bottom and a pillow to my back."

"It is granted." She got her 50 lashes, but barely felt a thing.

Finally, they asked, "And Mr. Jones, what is your wish before your beating?" Jones replied, "Before my beating, bind my mother-in-law to my back!"

* * *

THIS WEEK’S FAVORITE VIDEO

The movie “Rudy,” which came out in 1993, is without question one of the best movies of all time. Not just inspirational, or sports, but the best of all time. Rudy Ruettiger (Sean Astin) wants to play football at the University of Notre Dame, but has neither the money for tuition nor the grades to qualify for a scholarship. Rudy redoubles his efforts to get out of the steel mill where his father works when his best friend (Christopher Reed) dies in an accident there. Overcoming his dyslexia thanks to his friend and tutor, D-Bob (Jon Favreau), Rudy gains admission to Notre Dame and begins to fight his way onto the school's fabled football team. During the movie, this clip is believed to be shown to millions of high school and college athletes every year. “In this lifetime, you don’t have to prove nothing to nobody … except yourself!” After it became No. 1 at the box office, one girl so succinctly wrote, “I showed it to my dog … and she became a wolf.” To know why, CLICK HERE

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