Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

  • Saturday, January 2, 2021
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

It was announced yesterday that this weekend was the first time in history more people stayed up until midnight to make sure the year 2020 ended than did to welcome 2021. As one man said, “When I saw the ball drop at Times Square it reminded me of more than what we’ve done in the past year than the start of the New Year!”

So, we begin this New Year on The Saturday Funnies with some 2021 riddles to get you off on the right foot:

RIDDLE NO. 1 – A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50." The boy looked around and saw no scale, so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less. In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

RIDDLE NO. 2 -- You walk up to a mountain that has two paths. One leads to the other side of the mountain, and the other will get you lost forever. Two twins know the path that leads to the other side. You can ask them only one question. Except! One lies and one tells the truth, and you don't know which is which. So, what do you ask?

RIDDLE No. 3 -- One day, the police found a man dead inside a hut. In his left hand, he's holding a gun. In his right hand, he has a recording. When the recording is played, the police hear the man talking about how horrible life is and how he wants it to end. The recording ends with a gunshot. The police are about to call it a suicide until you point out a very important clue. What is it?

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While you mull your answers, please remember the contents of The Saturday Funnies come from contributors and the emails we receive during the week. We love it when our readers share what makes us laugh so we can pass it along every weekend.

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THIS WEEK’S ANSWERS

NO. 1 -- The man did exactly as he said he would and wrote "your exact weight" on the paper.

No. 2 -- You ask each twin: “What would your brother say?” This works because.... Well let's say the correct path is on the left side. So, say you asked the liar "What would your brother say?" Well, the liar would know his brother was honest and he would say the left side, but since the liar lies, he would say right. If you asked the honest twin the same question, he would say right, because he knows his brother will lie. Therefore, you would know that the correct path was the left!

NO. 3 -- The recording played a gunshot inside it. If the man committed suicide, he wouldn't have been able to stop the recording after he pulled the trigger.

Here we got with this first week of The Saturday Funnies!

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WHY OUR TEACHERS LOVE WHAT THEY DO

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have 10 years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: ‘I is ...’

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to… my Mum is a good cook.

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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's... Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

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WORDS, WITH MEANING, YOU MUST USE IN 2021

Destiny:  Even the most ambitious pebble will never grow up to be a boulder.

Pretension:  Learn to use words that you don't understand; it will make you seem more photosynthesis.

Reality:  There's nothing standing between you and your goals but gross ignorance and a total lack of talent.

Irresponsibility:  No single raindrop is ever given credit for causing a flood.

Teamwork: just a bunch of flakes cooperating to cause an avalanche.

Problems: They are like icebergs -- no matter how bad they seem right now; you've only seen the first 10 percent.

Overconfidence: Can you beat the odds, or will the odds beat you?

Motivation: Every corpse on Mount Everest was once a confident, motivated person.

Doubt:  In your battle with the world, bet on the world.

Teamwork -- it gives you the chance to blame someone else.

Futility -- you'll miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take … and about 99 percent of the ones you do take.

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KEVIN, AT AGE 5, HAS IT FIGURED OUT

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”

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OH, THE STORIES TRAVELLERS CAN TELL

While traveling in Louisiana my wife and I saw a sign for Natchitoches.

We debated for a while about how to pronounce the name of the city.

We stopped at a fast-food restaurant and my wife asked the girl behind the counter to slowly pronounce the name of the place.

She replied, BUUUR - GERRR – KIING.

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I THINK WE WERE ONCE CLASSMATES

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1952."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"

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AND YOU WONDER WHY HE’S RICH?

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his new car to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.

"Well, here are the keys to my car," the man said. The loan officer had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man returned to the bank and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 in principle, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said.

The man wrote out a check picked up his keys and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I safely park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

* * *

A DISC JOCKEY DEDICATES SOME SONGS

This one is dedicated to…

A DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said, "is for Jenny Green, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Jenny, congratulations on your ripe old age!"

Seconds later, there was a short pause and then the DJ said in a somewhat more subdued voice, “I'm sorry, I got it wrong … This next one is for Jenny Green, who is ill."

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Another … this one is dedicated to...

The DJ then prefaced another top hit: "This next one," he said, "is for Mr. and Mrs. Sam Brown, who are celebrating their ninety-first wedding anniversary”.

“Wow! That's remarkable – married for 91 years”.

There was a short pause and then the DJ said in a somewhat quieter voice, “I'm sorry. The Browns are celebrating their 16th anniversary. I had the note upside down”.

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SOME FAMOUS APOLITICAL APHORISMS

* -- “If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.” -- Jay Leno

* -- “The problem with political jokes is they get elected.” -- Henry Cate, VII

* -- “We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” – Aesop

* -- “If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.” -- Will Rogers

* -- “Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.” -- Nikita Khrushchev

* -- “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.” -- Clarence Darrow

* -- “Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.” -- Author unknown

* -- “Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.” -- John Quinton

* -- “Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.” -- Oscar Ameringer

* -- “I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.” -- Adlai Stevenson, 1952

* -- “A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.” -- Tex Guinan

* -- “I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.” -- Charles de Gaulle

* -- “Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.” -- Doug Larson

* -- “There ought to be one day—just one—when there is open season on Congressmen.” -- Will Rogers

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100 POINTS WILL GET YOU INTO HEAVEN

A man dies and goes to heaven. As usual, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay” the man says, “I attended church every Sunday”

“That’s good, says St. Peter, “that’s worth two points”

“Two points?” he says. “Well, I gave 10 percent of all my earnings to the church”

“Well, let’s see,” answers St. Peter, “that’s worth another two points. Did you do anything else?”

“Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s certainly worth a point,” St. Peter says.

“Hmmm…,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“THREE POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!”

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THIS WEEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- There is no such thing as “worst fumble” in college football but after Wisconsin had beaten Wake Forest in the Duke Mayo Bowl, 42-28, on Wednesday, the Badgers had a joyous celebration in their locker room. Wisconsin quarterback Graham Mertz was dancing the trophy that centered on a beautiful Lenox crystal football when …whoops! he lost the handle. The result? Priceless. CLICK HERE.

* -- The clever commercial from Berlin shows it pays off to be brave CLICK HERE.  

* -- This prank tape raised a lot of eyebrows when a little girl asks for help getting her cat out of a tree. CLICK HERE.

* - Here’s another prank tape: These unsuspecting homeowners are delivered a live donkey! CLICK HERE.  

* -- The state of Georgia’s law enforcement agencies came up with this awarded-winning public-service ad to curb road rage. (That's heavyweight boxing champ Evander Holyfield!) CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com

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