Roy Exum
We are told a lady with a van filled with a dozen screaming kids was at Hamilton Place mall, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a pedestrian crossing and an irate man screamed, “Lady, don’t you know to stop?”
She screamed back through the window, “What on earth makes to think all of these are mine?!"
Welcome to the first issue of The Saturday Funnies and, remember, if some joke makes you laugh, the chances are good we’ll giggle, too, so please share.
Here is another summertime quiz to keep our children smart before school starts next month.
That’s right, we are just over one month away, so if you take your first shot of the COVID vaccine next week, you’ll get your second before our schools reopen.
Here we go with this week’s Funnies:
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THIS WEEK’S QUIZ
1. Who painted the Mona Lisa? a) Van Gogh; b) da Vinci; c) Picasso; d) Monet
2. In the Bible, how does the Virgin Mary learn of her pregnancy with baby Jesus? a) God tells her; b) the angel Gabriel tells her; c) she has a dream about it; d) a doctor tells her
3. Who wrote the songs for ‘The Lion King’? a) Elton John; b) Phil Collins; c) Celine Dion; d) Stevie Wonder
4. The superstition believes that when the groundhog sees his shadow, it means: a) early spring; b) 6 more weeks of winter; c) it’s going to rain; d) a tornado is coming
5. Where in the United States is the largest aquarium? a) New Jersey; b) Maine; c) California; d) Georgia
6. What is the most populous city in Canada? a) Toronto; b) Ontario; c) Quebec; d) Vancouver
7. Which classic novel has the line, “Stay Gold, Ponyboy”? a) The Catcher in the Rye; b) 1984; c) The Outsiders; d) Catch-22
8. How many time zones are there in the world? a) 7; b) 24; c) 23; d) 9
9. What is the name of the second American astronaut to step foot on the moon? a) Buzz Aldrin; b) Neil Armstrong; c) Alan Bean; d) James Irwin
10. What was the first capital of the United States? a) Washington, D.C.; b) Richmond; c) Boston; d) Philadelphia
(Answers are below)
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THIS WEEK’S RIDDLE
* -- What is such a thing that doesn’t make a sound upon breaking?
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THIS WEEK’S FUNNIES
IT CAN HAPPEN ON VACATION
At Disney World I got in line behind an old classmate I hadn't seen in years.
I said "Wow, it's a small world!"
She said, "Actually this is Pirates of the Caribbean."
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WHO SAYS MEN DO NOT REMEMBER?
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed and as the wife walked through one of the stores she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was concerned so she called his mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."
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THIS LADY HAD A WONDERFUL DREAM
One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband,
"I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"
"Maybe you'll find out tonight…," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."
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A FEW ADDED ITEMS FOR THE PORTRAIT
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, gold bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know," she said. “It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
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OLE AND SVEN MEET AT THE BAR
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why sure," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "where ya from?"
"Norway," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway."
The first man then asks: "Where in Norway are ya from?"
"Bergen," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to old Bergen."
The first man then asks: "So, where did you live?"
"On a boat, at the fishin' docks," replies the second man.
"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishin' docks, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are drunk again."
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THIS WEEK’S ANSWERS
1. b) da Vinci
2. b) The angel Gabriel
3. a) Elton John
4. b) Six more weeks of winter
5. d) Georgia
6. a) Toronto
7. c) The Outsiders
8. b) 249.
9. a) Buzz Aldrin
10. d) Philadelphia.
Answer to the Riddle: Belief.
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THIS WEEK’S VIDEOS
* -- “THANK YOU” – This clip is from the movie, “The Lone Survivor,” and shows Navy SEAL Marcus Luttrell being rescued by American troops. Marcus will be the key speaker at this year’s Seventh Annual Champions dinner that benefits the ‘Honoring the Sacrifice’ Foundation on Friday, July 16, at the Chattanooga Convention Center. The foundation helps wounded warriors, particularly amputees. Those wanting tickets or interested in sponsorships should contact
www.honoringthesacrifice.org.
CLICK
HERE.
* -- WOW! Gary Sinise tells John's story - National Memorial Day Concert 2014 CLICK
HERE.
* -- "Battle Hymn of the Republic" w/ the Mormon Tabernacle Choir LIVE from West Point & West Point Band CLICK
HERE.
* -- Ronald Regan’s Speech on Freedom. CLICK
HERE.
* -- Kyle Carpenter and ‘The Ragged Old Flag’ (From Super Bowl 53) CLICK
HERE.
* -- The best part of the movie "Pearl Harbor" CLICK
HERE.
* -- WOW! Sam Elliott pays tribute to SGT Ray Lambert CLICK
HERE.
BONUS VIDEO
* -- Over 22 million viewers have delighted in ‘The Sound Man.’ CLICK
HERE.